Can I really do this #3

[sandi2]

First question, to get out of the way here.....don't you have a relative short time before you need to present the idea of relocation to her? Shouldn't you get that out of the way, first? IDK, just asking. Are you trying to work on the relationship, in preparation to discuss the family relocating?

The yard work is a bit 180 for me. I have been mowing and trimming the lawn but could step it up a bit. My issue with that is I am very allergic to cut grass and it drives me crazy in both the sneezing and itching so when it gets done I immediately have to take a shower.

Who usually does the yard work? Is this a point of irritation with her, even knowing of your allergies? Can you afford to pay someone to mow and trim the yard? There are a lot of physical 180's I would love to do, but my health prevents it. We have to make the 180 improvements in the areas of our capabilities.

My thought would be that if we did this together, it might connect without an emotional and/or physical relationship issue but would give us a chance to come together as a team and accomplish a task.

Well, I wouldn't spring on her. Before purchasing a lot of stuff, I would discuss it face to face. Something like....

You: "I know you always took pride in having a nice yard, and your health has prevented you doing all the things you enjoyed. I've let my allergies hold me back from a lot of the yardwork. If you'd like, we could team up to do a few projects and see if we can improve the looks of the yard".

WW: "I never know how I may be feeling......but what did you have in mind as projects?

You: (Explain the flower beds, etc.)

WW: "Why the sudden interest in how the yard looks?"

Then, what will you say?

I need to get out more and do things but I feel that if I do that would cause more friction with our financial issues and resentment. I would also LOVE to take my kids away for a few days (W is always welcome) but there would be the issues associated with that as well with her thinking if she did it may send a wrong message or just her desire not to be social around me.

There are some things that you can't hold back just b/c she might see her joining the family activity as sending you the wrong message. You can tell her she is welcome to go along, but no pressure. Whatever she feels about it, is up to her to decide. That's out of your hands.

If I were you, I would not kill myself trying to do all that yard work, leading up to an invitation to join in a family trip. All of this preceding a talk about moving to a new location......just looks as if you are buttering her up. Can you see what I mean?

Maybe Sunday we can hit the new Jurassic Park movie or something and a late lunch or early dinner. W's involvement will greatly depend on both her attitude and her health conditions.

Just causally mention that you are going to take the kids to see Jurassic Park on Sunday, and she's welcome to go if she feels like it. Don't make activity decisions for you and the kids all about her. You have become so accustomed to putting her feelings in the center of everything you do, until I wonder if you even realize it. I'm not suggesting you be callous about her health issues, but go forward with doing activities with the kids. If she doesn't feel well that day, then you and the kids go anyway. This is how it would be if you were not living together. The kids will begin to resent her health issues a lot, if their wants & needs are determined by how mom feels.

Should I send an email or text to my wife talking about me stopping at Home Depot to get some mulch, flowers, etc to brighten our yard?

No, b/c it sounds as if you've made the "team" decision without her input.

Also thought about grabbing our lawn chairs, cooking some food and hanging in the cul-de-sac while the kids play in the late afternoon/early evening.

That part is fine, b/c you can do it with just you and the kids, if she isn't feeling well. But whenever you are suggesting something done as a team, you need to consult the team members before you make steps to purchase things. See the difference?

Is this pursuing? or is it just 2 people in the same home coming together to spruce it up and make it more comfort

You want to do it together, so yeah, it's pursuing.....masked by wanting to spruce up the place.

There is no magic bullet, and I know this is a long road. We can get the kids involved as well, ice cream or popsicle breaks for them and hopefully some work, accomplishment, laughter and followed by a decent evening outdoors.

I think I once told you to treat her as if she was there as boarder. If you want to invite her to join in the activities, that's up to you. If she is considered part of the team effort, then treat as her such. If you are going to do something with the kids anyway, and you invite her to join, that's up to her. If you had a little old lady living there for room & board, would you base your activities solely on what the boarder wanted? I don't think so. You would proceed with your family, doing whatever you enjoyed. The boarder can sit on the side watching, if that's what she wants.

Realistically, I know it's not that simple for you. This is your W and your future. I'm simply giving you a guide to check some of the less major day to day decisions that you make.