Going the Distance (Saying ILY Pt. 6)

[Vanilla]

I think she confuses co parenting with custody.

Just my thought.

Confuse her back by saying, I think parallel parenting is most appropriate.

Or the standby I am thinking on it (Well for 2 secs)

Or can I have a detailed written proposal to consider?

V

[mtb1981]

I think she confuses co parenting with custody.

V

I think she does too. Honestly, the only reason I think she wants to have 50/50 custody is so she can get child support. She knows she won't get any if I have them majority of the time. Funny how she hasn't given a $hit about the for the past 6 months, but now wants them half of the time...

[OrangeK]

I think she confuses co parenting with custody.

V

I think she does too. Honestly, the only reason I think she wants to have 50/50 custody is so she can get child support. She knows she won't get any if I have them majority of the time. Funny how she hasn't given a $hit about the for the past 6 months, but now wants them half of the time...

And the court will see through that like Saran Wrap buddy.
Your resilience and solidarity these past few months will pay dividends coming up.

[Vanilla]

I think she confuses co parenting with custody.

V

I think she does too. Honestly, the only reason I think she wants to have 50/50 custody is so she can get child support. She knows she won't get any if I have them majority of the time. Funny how she hasn't given a $hit about the for the past 6 months, but now wants them half of the time...

And the court will see through that like Saran Wrap buddy.
Your resilience and solidarity these past few months will pay dividends coming up.

And documentation, the fact you are the current carer, you have no addictions, work, attend meetings doctors appointments, school stuff.........

Etc, etc, etc.........

V

[mtb1981]

Last Wednesday, when W stopped by, she asked if she could have the kids Friday night. I agreed. She also asked if she could come by on Saturday to pick up some things from the house. I agreed. Guess who never showed up either night. I'm not surprised, but I hate that she does this. It's almost to the point that it gives me anxiety...

[mtb1981]

I've also really been fighting the urge to pursue lately. I know it is thw wrong thing to do. I know my W and I know that she is not really happy at all right now. I also know that she has way too much pride and ego to turn back at this point. All the lies, having her uncle buy new beds for the kids and fixing the van, and everyhting else she has done make it too hard for her to explain wanting to R. So I'm afraid she's going to keep barrelling down this path she's created. Looking for attention in all the wrong places from all the wrong people. I have been told by several people that she is hanging out with people that give her the attention she craves and tell her the things she wants to hear, but they really don't care about her. They are just using her to get what they want (most likely sex or drugs). I know that at this moment she is not someone that I want to be with, but it is so hard not to think that I cannot help her...

She went through a period like this in high school where she hung out with people for attention and was being used. We had talked about it several years ago when she was getting counseling after rehab. She realized that she was being used by these people and just craved the attention because she didn't get it growing up. That when she met me, I was different. I cared about her and wasn't just telling her what she wanted to hear so I could get something from her. That she was grateful to be with me because of that, and I helped her to realize what was happenning in her life and break the cycle. She was finally able to be loved and to reciprocate that. Then the relapses began, and she was back to being selfish only caring about herself. (Prescription narcotics turn the most amazing people into emotionless zombies)...

I recently found some letters she had written to herself during this time that her counselor had her do as homework. A letter to her old self and a letter to her future self. The letter to her old self focused on her forgiving herself for making bad decisions and apologizing for putting herself through those things. Knowing that she deserved better, but couldn't realize it at the time. There was a lot of acknowledgement about how her mother neglected her growing up and how her mother's alcoholism affected her. The letter to her future self was how she wasn't going to let these things happen again. That she has a wonderful, beautiful family that means the world to her and to stay focused and not fall back into old patterns...

It $ucks because I worry about her a lot, and lover her to death. The worst part is that I know it is out of my control. I just wish there was something I could do. And I've been having these moments recently where I feel like I need to do something. Sometimes I want to give her those letters, in hopes it will snap her out of it, but I know it won't. Sometimes I want to invite her to go to the zoo with me and the kids so she can realize how much she loves her family, but I know it won't. Sometimes I just want to tell her to come home, put all this in the past, get the help she/we need and work on a new MR, and she'll we can fix things, but I know it won't...

Sorry for the rant, but I hate seeing the one person I've loved more than anything hurting and ruining their life, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. That being tied in with the "what ifs" of those things working if I did try them, but I know they won't...

[OrangeK]

I feel you MTB. I have accepted that WW has gone beyond the point of no return, at least for the time being.
It does $uck to have to sit there and decide between "For better or worse, in sickness and health" Vs. Self defense, self preservation and self respect.

Even with things as bad as they are in my sitch, i still have these thoughts also.
I couldnt realistically even take WW back now if we both wanted to, there is too much collateral damage to our families, friends, she has slandered me to everyone she knows.
How do you even recover from that?

Ive found as detachment increases, so does disappointment.
I used to be so PRODUD to be her husband, and i never wanted to be single again, and to be a man who was only ever married once, divorced never with my partner to grow old with.

Life can be surprising.

At least ive learned a lot about myself through this ordeal.

Keep it up MTB. You are a pillar of stone man. You inspire me.

[SteveLW]

mtb, what really struck me is that she wrote about her mom's alcoholism and how it affected her.....yet she is making the same mistake with her kids. Such a vicious cycle. People usually go one of two ways: repeat the mistake, or work like crazy to make their life different. Sadly she chose door #1.

Others on here talk about the "illusion of action". And that is what it is. You could do 1 or all of those things, but she has to want to change. Reading those letters, going to the zoo with you guys, and moving back home won't change her. Only she can change her. I know you know that. But as guys we are fixers and we think we can fix everything.

Love stinks. Especially when it isn't reciprocated.

I am intrigued by the period she went through in high school, and other times since. To me that would have been a heck of a red flag. I've been on record stating that you've put up with more than most others on this site. I hope you listen to your head and do what is best for you and your kids. You can't trust your heart.

[neffer]

It is out of your control, you are right. You are the lighthouse now. You are protecting your children and yourself. She must figure out her way.

Keep strong man, keep detatching.

[mtb1981]

Orange, thank you. I feel like our sitches have a lot in common. Everything about it $ucks. Especially the damage they have caused with the lies that I'm afraid she is to stubborn and headstrong to go back on...

Steve, one of the hardest things with this whole sitch, and I'm sure I've mentioned it before, is how she has always realized that her mom's substance abuse and neglect has caused her the majority of her issues. Yet, she is doing the exact same thing right now. I've heard her say many times in the past that one of her biggest fears is ending up like her mother, but here we are. I never really knew about the things from high school because I did not know her then, but she told me about these things after we were married. The red flags were there, but not for me to see them until later. And by that time, I thought it was all in the past. That she had changed. That she had chosen door #2 and learned from her mom's mistakes and wouldn't let that happen. I can't tell you how many times she mentioned hating being from a broken family (her mother and father have both been married 3 times) and that she would never get divorced. As far as the illusion of action, I totally unerstand. I know that she has to want to change. I guess I feel that by doing those things, it will create a spark that will lead her in that direction. For the past few months, we had little contact, and I feel like anything that was there has slowly burnt out and she has forgotten what things were/could be like. And I need to create that spark again to keep her thinking that R could be a viable possibility. Wishful thinking, I know...

Neffer, you are right. Everyhting I've done recently is for the protection of my children and myself. I have no control over the situation and she is on her own in her journey. I've always taken a liking to the lighthouse story, and have tried to be the lighthouse. But sometimes I think I'm not shining any light, hence me feeling like I need to take the actions I mentioned in my previous post. Sending out bursts of light. But then I realize you can't see the light when you have your eyes closed...