Can I really do this #3

[Dtrmned]

struggling this morning. More just journaling than anything.

Had a bad dream. Don't remember all of it, just the parts I do were very vivid and of future events where W and I are D'd and having to deal with each other. No fighting or anything like that, just the sadness of the situation and seemed like a cloud was over everything that happened.

This caused me to wake up in a not good mood. I had to push myself to get my work out in, but the entire time I was thinking and focused on our situation. How it hurts and how difficult going through this is. I want and need to feel some normalcy in my life and for life of our children.

Absolutely nothing happened last evening. No confrontation, no talking, in fact W was a little chatty about nothing when I got home. She was very cold last week, and of course the night I got home from my business trip, but since then she has added in some "have a good day" and even "good night" when we went to bed. Her demeanor is a bit softened and I don't feel the bitterness in her voice the last few days.

Just in my head this morning. Wondering about the career situation and if it might work out to be a good opportunity. Would that be a good re-start point for us. Sandi, I did read your posts and agree that outside of protecting myself that opening the door to us doing this together without huge expectations about a total R would be best.

I need to get out more and do things but I feel that if I do that would cause more friction with our financial issues and resentment. I would also LOVE to take my kids away for a few days (W is always welcome) but there would be the issues associated with that as well with her thinking if she did it may send a wrong message or just her desire not to be social around me.

Going to do some projects around the house this weekend, get the kids involved and maybe W will participate as her health allows. Supposed to rain on Sunday so it will have to be this afternoon and tomorrow.

Maybe Sunday we can hit the new Jurassic Park movie or something and a late lunch or early dinner. W's involvement will greatly depend on both her attitude and her health conditions.

I am doing my best to not be a doormat. The yard work is a bit 180 for me. I have been mowing and trimming the lawn but could step it up a bit. My issue with that is I am very allergic to cut grass and it drives me crazy in both the sneezing and itching so when it gets done I immediately have to take a shower.

Should I send an email or text to my wife talking about me stopping at Home Depot to get some mulch, flowers, etc to brighten our yard? Also thought about grabbing our lawn chairs, cooking some food and hanging in the cul-de-sac while the kids play in the late afternoon/early evening. A drink or 2 with some music, laughter and being outside would be nice.

I don't know if I am deluding myself with what could be pipe dreams and I am not trying to press or push the situation. I know about detaching,but he 180's that I need to do is to change being more involved in the family and chores. My working took a bunch of time and the health issues with my W took a bunch of time away from us working together as well. My W enjoys the yard work, working outside and making a happy home. This has not been done for a few years. My thought would be that if we did this together, it might connect without an emotional and/or physical relationship issue but would give us a chance to come together as a team and accomplish a task.

Please help and give me some feed back. Should I just send her a quick text or email saying my ideas and how it would just help us all feel better about our home for the rest of the summer.

Is this pursuing? or is it just 2 people in the same home coming together to spruce it up and make it more comfortable.

PLEASE HELP WITH FEED BACK ON THIS IF YOU CAN.

There is no magic bullet, and I know this is a long road. We can get the kids involved as well, ice cream or popsicle breaks for them and hopefully some work, accomplishment, laughter and followed by a decent evening outdoors.

Thoughts.....again PLEASE.