Spoke to L today, per advice I just stick to my guns and let H be. There is nothing I can do to stop him from taking Ds with him once he leaves for as long as he wants other than proceeding with S custody paper work which will bring us a step closer to D. She recommended I get a restraining order on him if he continues to threaten or intimidate. This is H of 10 years and father of my 2 lil babies, I do not want it escalated to a condition which not only ruins any chance of R but worse will have my kids suffer in the long run. They need a father and he is a good father, an impatient one right now and not a great one nevertheless a good father. Cant help feeling this is just a lose-lose for the kids and for us in every which way. Praying hard so I somehow get thru this stronger, better and my kids survive it without any permanent damage.
Is it time to take stock and change my behavior? I am wondering if I am in the last bucket of MWD's explanation where some WASs are just not willing to work back into the MR no matter how hard you try. Just after saying he does not want to sell house this year 3 days ago, today he confirmed he has called in a realtor to get an appraisal. I only said OK. I have to think more about this and tell him if I am willing to sell this year or not.
He was in one of his moods today for some reason. I only Spent 15 minutes together with kids around but he couldnt just control himself.
H- You havent inculcated D3 to wish me for father's day this year I - Oh but we did, remember the first thing as soon as you came down in the morning we wished, and she is just 3 doesnt understand much. H - I see how this R is going to be after we are done, its just 45 more days I cant wait to be done. You are just being selfish and self centered as usual I - I am sorry you feel that way but we did wish you.
H - You also did xxxxxxx, and f***d us over. I - please dont swear in front of D3, it affects her. H - You have given me so much grief for something much smaller, and this is what you did, the loss is so much I - we couldnt foresee it , we both did it unknowingly but I agree the loss is huge, so unfortunate. H - you used to yell at me whenever i brought it up I - when have I yelled about it? H - Not after I started this , now you have become meek but earlier you did I - I am sorry if I did( i might have so I just apologized more than validating) H - Cant believe you did such huge blunders and walks away
I got myself out of there before he could launch another round of attack. I have no idea what his decision will be next and what he will do, I dont think he does either. I did not voice it out but him leaving in 45 days is actually a good thing for all of us, he needs some alone time to reassess and hopefully do some introspection and not use me as a punching bag.
My biggest 180 according to me is that I am being patient, it is not inherent to me, i used to be a fire cracker and he had problems with it. Now my being patient he is seeing as meek. Is my 180 backfiring?
Arsh I am sorry you have to put up with this abuser. As stated before the minute he starts swearing , to me this is a time to set and hold your boundary but saying this conversation is over untill you can speak like an adult and just walk out. I will continue to pray for your family.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I'm sure someone might come and say DB is for you, it's not to save your marriage, and to focus on yourself but we all know that the reason it's called "DB" and the reason we turn to it is because we hope to save our marriages. In your case though I kind of think at this stage it's not that your 180 is backfiring but that nothing you do would make a difference in your husband's plan. Sure you could make it worse by being more obstinate but it doesn't seem anything you say or do will magically, instantly turn your husband back to the nice guy he used to be. I do believe, however, that once he's living alone he'll initially love it and then slowly he'll start to realize what he did. We can only believe and hope that he'll regret what he's done. If your 180's become permanent then hopefully your husband will see that you've changed over time and he'll start to see you in a new light. It doesn't appear that he's doing this because of you or how you treated him. Don't we all have good and bad points about ourselves? The vast majority of husbands, even when they have their kids, still love their wives and stay committed. So what's happening to your husband must be something deeper within himself that's wrong or he's having an affair which you don't suspect. Are you sure in 15 years there was never any sign of instability in your husband? My husband had a mini-episode two years before he left the first time. He almost had an affair, started talking about needing time alone, ignored me, and became hostile for about three weeks. I was devastated. Then one day he came home and said he was sorry, he loved me, and he was wrong. He said he would stop acting that way and he did and everything went back to normal. I blamed it on certain circumstances in our lives at that time (he was hanging around a younger crowd at a school he was attending, we had just moved to a new city, etc..). At that time I thought it was an isolated incident but now after he left two times I know that something is seriously wrong. Has your husband demonstrated any kind of this behavior in the past? If so, what fixed it? Maybe that would give you a clue. Otherwise maybe the pressure of working with two young children caused him to snap but what he doesn't realize is that this is a temporary phase. In a few years the girls will be at school. In 18 years they'll be away at college. He's obviously just thinking about himself right in this moment and wants to get out, but he hasn't thought at all about the long-term. One of my friends from your region made the point that it'll be harder for her daughter to marry a good man if she gets divorced because people in your culture care a lot about someone coming from a good family. A broken family might turn away some suitors. Has your husband thought about that? If he loves his children, doesn't he want them to have the best life possible? And what about your finances? Won't you both have less resources to offer your daughters living in separate households? Won't your husband be sorry when you don't have enough money to give them certain things? It doesn't seem like he's thought about this at all. He's just thinking about himself and how miserable he is and how this is all your fault but I'm sure you're not that bad or you wouldn't be here on this forum desperately trying to save your marriage! If you were that bad you'd be like the wayward wives we hear about from the men on this board. But no, you're working hard, doing everything for your family. Even if you're too controlling sometimes or have a temper your husband could have asked that you go to counseling together to work on managing it better. That's not the case. He just wants to leave. Just like my husband - he just walked out without a care in the world about how it affects us.
My impression is that you're doing the best you can do right now and unfortunately even if you change your strategy it may not help just yet. But I bet within a year the situation will be quite different. I bet within a year you'll start to see changes in your husband even after divorce.
I hope you can just make it through the next few weeks and then the worst will be over and you'll get a chance to breath and hopefully grieve this loss and then wait to see what happens over time.
Nicole, H has had a good childhood with most things provided for. And he really has not shown any depressive tendencies in the 15 years, he might have had some blues but nothing even remotely close to this.
V, H has been the most gentle speaking non confrontational individual before BD, sure we had our fights but nothing even close to a D level. and he really has been kind and supportive throughout, patience being one of his strengths. After BD it is a complete change in personality in every which way. If he was like this before BD, I would not have decided to fight to keep an abusive H. If his depression has turned him into this, I want to give the H that he was a chance to come back.
A crazy weekend it has been. Need advise on how I did, and please guide me wherever I may have made a mistake
H was either depressed or angry as usual.
Convo 1:
H - D 7 months' day care had made something for father's dad and you had left it in garage. I - Yes, they made XXX, D3 was playing with it, I didnt find it initially, when I did I hung it u[ on the wall H- When these things happen you need to let me know since it is for me I - You are correct, I should have looked and brought it in the same day.
Convo 2: H - we need to discuss finances and custody soon. You have been stone walling me I - These are hard topics for me, I understand it is important we will discuss in some time H - I am moving out in a month I - Yes there is a month more, so we will sort it out H - Stop f*ing stone walling me, you think its hard for you? I am the one who has to move out, who will lose money and home . I will also have to convince D3 the new place will be her home also. You have it all easy just staying back here. I - I understand this is hard for you, I can only imagine the hurt you must be going through but they are difficult topics. H very defensive acts as if his head will explode and starts swearing so I just gathered the kids and left the room saying I cannot stay with kids if he continues swearing.
Convo 3- We started discussing finances and it got ugly. The first ever real argument since BD I think. I insisted whatever money we have need to be put into a college plan for children He wants to do this as a monthly committment, with only some saved up front and I did not budge. He said financially its not pragmatic, I agreed but I kept repeating all I need at this time is the children's future secured. Lot of yelling on his side, I tried to keep calm but broke down saying I cannot move forward if I have not sorted out their future expenses. He said you act as if I am abandoning them, I said I understand he will be always there for them but putting something in future will be for 2nd child, at least one child's college funds should be saved right away. He said I am determined to leave him a pauper, so I asked him would my condition not be the same? He said you f*ed my life for 15 years and you are hell bent on doing it for 15 more years. I knew you were going to make this difficult, I am warning you dont make it ugly
This was the first ever discussion we had about finances, custody has not even come up. Without standing my ground, I do not know how to be practical here. I might have failed at validating and DB here, H definitely is crazy angry right now at me.
How do you DB in such circumstances? At one point he said, I would have understood if you asked money for yourself, but you are asking it for Ds and there is at least 15 more years for it. I read sitches where these discussions are peaceful, I am not sure how the LBSs in those case manage it. For the last 6 months I had not provided him new material to get angry, he was ruminating in the past. Today I definitely did, but if I cannot save this MR I need to know that I saved my Ds future
Future convos regarding finances and custody will be worse, how should I proceed? Please help!! Today I feel I took 100 steps back. It seemed like he has gone so far away, its hard to find the warm real him inside this new person.
Arsh- I feel you did pretty good for most part. Simply put- You should not tolerate or validate bad behavior. The second he starts to swear makes the discussion end IMO. Set your boundary and have him respect it. Your children should never be a witness to this monstrous behavior. Think of the imprint it will leave on their precious brains. I speak from experience when I say this- I too remember at a young age when my father would belittle my mom in front of me. Not a good image. As for yourself set your boundary and make him respect it. You are the mother of his children and you require respect. I speak from experience here too- for I have yet to swear,scream,be violent at my W. Stay Strong and God Bless!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
