Help...Confused Newbie Pt5

[ballast]

Thanks for the kind words guys (blush). I can only share that I got excellent help and support when I was in your shoes so I know how meaningful it can be.

See up front...WOW!!! The thoughtfulness, quality of what you give me Acc...truly I can't repay nor thank you enough! Truly means so much to me to have support from folks like yourself.

Ballast I don't feel like your situation is hopeless, I used "exW" and "exFIL" in talking about my sitch, not yours. Nothing is hopeless until you decide to give up, or completely reject DB and keep pursuing.

Understood. I WILL NOT give up and I have been doing my best to keep from pursuing. Beyond you calling me out on my opinion about all of my family losing in divorce and her disagreeing...I have been radio silent otherwise.

I think the big thing to me was that I showed W respect for her no matter what as the wife of my D on her day, but W could not return the same respect to me

^== Covert contract. Yep, for sure I did that.

I^== That is not a fact, that is a story you're telling yourself. Your self-narrative is that W wants to hurt you, so you're telling yourself a story to reinforce what you already want to believe.

Agreed. I create self-narratives from facts to feed my anxiety and negative thoughts.

^== That's a story you're telling yourself. She didn't actually *do* anything. You're assigning malicious intent to something that happened, but you're the one doing the assignment. If she said "I didn't send you a Father's Day card because I want to punish you and hurt you", then you're entitled to feel this way, but she didn't.

Yep, again on me for taking facts and making them align to my negative mindset.

The WAS is afraid that showing you kindness, compassion, or intimacy will cause that dam to burst, have you unload a torrent of tears and emotion on them, cling to their leg and refuse to let go.

When they believe that YOUR mental state is tied to THEIR words and actions it reinforces this perception that you're just completely emotionally unstable as far as they are concerned.

So I can understand why W might think that, although I believe I have been VERY good at being stable throughout this process (at least to her directly). Thing is...let's cut the crap here a bit...I'm a simple honest man who loves his W...all of this talk about dams, W being such an expert at feelings, thoughts, action...h*ll Acc I don't know s88t about all that stuff. I mean I'm learning for sure, but God it feels like a relationship has to be a constant calculus problem I need to solve. If so, I'm screwed!

It was not intended to hurt you, it was intended to keep you at bay so that you wouldn't see an opportunity for pursuit

here again this is a W who has made up imaginary women that I'm running with! "we both know you have moved on"...woman I haven't done a D**N thing but try to figure how how in the H I can R with you and create a new MR we both can find satisfying! I have not been pursuing...my whole goal in LIFE has been patience, time and space. I can't even remember the last time I tried to talk to her about us.

Remember as well when thinking about W that there are really only two base emotions -- joy and fear. Other emotions are expressions of those two basics. Anger is rooted in fear, it's an expression of fear. W isn't angry with you, she's afraid.

So for some time in my IC sessions, my IC has said flatly..."Look she is not able to be vulnerable and share her feelings for whatever reason...probably predates you two even being together...but all she can do is be angry and suppress those more painful feelings...underneath that anger is fear...fear of hurting you, fear of losing you, fear". Do you know how HELPLESS it is to hear that the one you love SO much is going through that and YOU.CAN.NOT.HELP.HER!

If you are CONFIDENT and SELF-ASSURED the dam is gone. If you have "the attitude" there is no dam, because your emotions are not based on what she does or doesn't do.

When that happens, it is SAFE for her to be nice to you, to be compassionate, and not have to worry about being swept away.

But it has to be 100% believable, which means that you're acting that way even when no one is looking, and then sufficient time has to pass for it to be convincing, that you're not just putting on an act.

You will get there, and once you do, it won't matter what she does or doesn't do, because your self-worth is disconnected from her validation.

And you know what? That's where you *must* be in order to reconcile, because reconciling is not "taking her back" its making her convince you that she's worth starting with again, because YOU are the prize to be won. In that context, she needs to be willing to do the work, and she needs to know that if she doesn't you are GONE.

Until you have "the attitude", she won't believe that, and you can't reconcile.

I often tell people in one of my first posts that "the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction" and that's what it means. Until she believes that you are (1) good on your own, (2) don't need *anything* from her, and are (3) confident and emotionally healthy, you are NOT safe to return to.

Sometimes you have to make things worse before they can get better.

That right there is pure GOLD. I do get what you are saying. I think as I've said before H8ll man I'm just a simple straight forward guy. Trying to understand all of this...WAY harder than I ever thought. If I ever thought to give up it would not be because I question my love for her nor how much s88t I'd be willing to endure to have a new MR with her...it would actually be that I'm simply not able to process all of this emotional analysis that you are laying on me! I mean I love her true, committed for life, rich/poor, whatever comes. All of these deeper layers...God have mercy on my soul I was NEVER taught ANY of this! AND my father, grandfather each had 50+ year marriage and I know for d88n sure they had ZERO information like you are giving me.

Acc...I do not know why you care about my sitch like you do, but I can tell you that I get every word you say and that you call me out accurately every single time AND you help me see the errors in my ways. Seriously I can't thank you enough for your counsel as I struggle through the most painful time in my entire life.