Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind???

[Clyde]

You asked what about your behavior made me think you are being passive/aggressive. It's the inconsistency in your behavior towards her. Going back to the massages, you give her foot massages expecting a massage in return, you don't get it so you withdraw your massages and give her the cold shoulder. That's very passive/aggressive and NGS. And it's not just the massages, you are constantly trying to do things for her and then withdraw those things as "punishment" when she doesn't give you what you want. But then you turn around and try a different favor, but while you think you are doing something different you are not, it's more of the same.

I have struggled with this, hence my reasoning to re-read NMMNG, in the book the author refers to it as covert contracts. I stopped giving her foot massages, bringing her flowers/wine about 2 months ago, other than the one to two times she has straight asked for a massage. Up to that point I was petty consistent on giving even though it was not being reciprocated. I did so for two reasons, first being what you just stated, and what I had read about(covert contracts), and that I did not want to punish her or have her feel like the only reason I was doing it was in hopes of getting something in return. The second being that I have no desire to be in a selfish M, prior to the W's MLC/BD, everything was very reciprocal, I know see that in our M post reconcile, I was being too optimistic, putting too much stock in our M, not being patient enough - thinking our M would just pick up where we left off when things were good. So not only was I being very giving towards her, I was trying to step it up even more than when things were good (pre MLC/BD). This did not sow favorable results, and I can't disagree w/ what many of you are saying... that this is not a M, that I should not treat her like a W until she treats me like a H.

And IT'S NOT WORKING. Here is the thing- SHE IS 100% CONSISTENT. She is DONE. You have got to get that through your head, Her behavior ALL says she is done with the M. So why do you keep having these expectations that she will behave like a W? Your first step to recovery is realizing you are not married anymore except on some piece of paper somewhere. You and your W no longer function as a married couple. That ship has sailed. So what does that mean going forward, how do you change and adapt with the consideration that you are no longer married.

So the last 4+ weeks our interactions, communications have been minimal at my doing, we had the one night of what seemed like we were coming together, only to have the next day bring another road block via her actions. Over those 4 weeks I battled with where I was - over it, standing, angry, exhausted, disillusioned... any how, in the past 2 weeks I kinda shifted away from being over it, to just being aware of what it really is if you will - (is that just another way to say I have surrendered the notion I have any control of how this M will end up?), this helped me to be more cordial towards her, I did not initiate any convos, said hi/bye, good night, (NO ILY), at one point I kinda realized I was doing LRT, and decided to try and follow LRT guidelines and Sandi's rules. With the exception of a day or two after the argument we had about the "sister", the W has been very nice & talkative to me, in the last 2 weeks I'd been trying to figure out if she was pursing or not, if not for the jerky/sandals incident it definitely seemed that was the case (as a matter of fact I have to wonder if the jerky/sandals incident was not in response towards me not responding to her come ons to me). Anyhow in the past 4-5 days she has aggressively pursued me.

I been trying to walk that line, it got complicated the other night. We were laying in bed watching TV, she reached over and grabbed my hand and started to give me a hand/arm massage... she got very sensual wile doing so. Next thing I know she is jumping my bones w/ a passion I have not seen since pre BD, as much as I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was, it is probably needless to say I had a lot on my mind, first being - am I tossing out the last weeks of LRT, is this going to be a rug sweeping etc...

Anyhow, afterwards we are both laying there. I realize she is crying (she doing her best to hide it, even denies it at first). I ask her what is wrong, she says nothing, she finally opens up:

W: I feel like you are not in to me. I don't think you are attracted to me anymore, I have really been questioning if you might be seeing someone else.
M: Thats some heavy emotions, it can't be easy to feel that way... I know, because I have been feeling the same way for the past 18 months.
W: I am really trying, I just put myself out there, I did every possible thing I could think of to turn you on, and yet it seems like you are not into it.
M: I could see and feel how passionate you were, and as turned on by all of it as I was, I have so much going through my head as far as our M goes, I do not know that I can be 100% into it w/ all the factors lingering in my head.
W: But you are a guy, guys don't think like that.
M: Well I do............. We have had our ups and downs over the past 7 months, but this past month has been very discouraging for me, I feel like there has been some lines drawn in the sand that make it impossible to have a healthy M.

She is still crying.

M: Thanks for opening up too me, I was completely unaware you felt that way, do now this, I still think you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, but at the same time I am battling w/ the thought this M may not work, I still hold hope we will figure it out.

We lay there for a few minutes, she then says goodnight, I say goodnight back, (neither of us say ILY) about 2 minutes later the W says ILY (its like she was waiting for me to initiate it) I say ILY back.

Here's what you need to figure out- how are you going to pull yourself out of this financial mess you are in WITHOUT W. Quit counting on her to pitch in, she's already told you that's not going to happen. So gather yourself up and figure it out.

Usually I can carry the whole household on my own.

The sitch I was in is rare, several things contributed to it. First being, I usually have back up cash for these instances, any nest egg was spent on the lawyer, the cash I gave the W to leave etc., to compound that, I have been trying to keep regular works hours, and that has narrowed the jobs I can take on. Third, I had 3 contracts get delayed all in a row, (delayed - not suspended) - so here is the irony, its looking like all three of those jobs are going to now over lap if not happen simultaneously, I'm going to be busy as heck for 2-3 months, but I should also take home a fairly impressive payday if done right. Back to the irony... the W has now set the precedence that her money is hers, therefore this money will be mine, she's banking I will be NG when it comes to her financial needs/deficets.

You said your bills went way up when W came back, well then have her pony up or get the hell out. You're afraid she might call the police? LET HER CALL THEM. What happened last time, they told HER to leave. What are you afraid of? Your W has ALREADY done her worst and it all just backfired on her. Quit living in fear and take control.

My thought exactly, I have sat down and gone through household expenses, she will need to contribute her fair share if she wants to live here. This is a convo we have yet to have.

The irony is, if you do that then that may very well attract her back to you.

If the last week is any sign, then yes quite possibly!