After these events and later on the afternoon she acidently smashed a glass, lost her temper and left the house for a drive in the car (run off to see the OM), came back 3 hours later. While she was out my daughter kept asking where she was, i replied that mummy needed time to herself. She wanted to call her, but i said the leave mummy alone, was i right to stop her ringing?
She came back all happy. She has an history with drugs, should i be concerned?
She came back from work today quite happy. I needed to pick my car up from work which was 2 hours walk away, so i a said i was going out and left. I come back and she is sleeping on the sofa. Then she wakes up and is quite offish with me.
So i went outside and played with the kids for the next 3 hours. Now im upstairs out of her way.
I dont know if going dark is working. She was talking to her mother on skype tonight, i was in the next room. Shes telling her mother that she is looking at living at another house. She saying to her mum that she feels like a stranger in her own house, because of the way i am. She complained to her mum, that when she came home from work that i went out for 2 hours. And then she says that we not really in the house together that much.
She was also talking to them about the money that they gave us, they said they dont want it back, but she was sayimg, that your going to give him that money. They said it was for the family, she then tried to spin it that why would you want to give me the money. She has some serious issues with me.
scoobs: going dark is not a tactic that should be "working" it is for you. It is meant to keep your from constantly thinking about, focused on, and being hurt by your wife. It is not for manipulation. Also please realize that whatever is going on it is in the YEARS timeframe, not days or weeks. I know this is hard to hear, I know we all think maybe our case will be different and they will just "snap" out of it. But that does not happen.
You have to accept whatever she is about to do she has to do alone. Protect yourself and protect your kids. Everything else will clarify over the long term, whether she will be able to find her way out of this or not. Nothing you do will make any difference.
You are confused because you are engaged and still not detached. You are confused because she is incredibly confused and you are being dragged around by a confused and broken person and none of this makes sense. You will start to right yourself and not be confused once you detach, go no contact and put the focus firmly on yourself and your kids.
If this sounds like a broken record, it is. But it is the right record, please for your sake start listening to it.
BTW you are in the VERY early days, everything is still raw and very very fresh and I am wondering if some parts of you can not yet accept this is really happening. This is normal, we all went through this. It is an insane situation and we keep applying "sane" rules to it. The sooner you realize it is not a normal situation, it is not sane, and she is in a mental health crises the sooner you can start stabilizing. This of her as having a mental health breakdown and is in an institution, would you look at her behaviour applying normal logic and expecting anything from her in that case?
How do i go no contact when we have kids and still live in the same house?
I think she is trying to play games now. I go out every mon & wed to play sports. I normally don't get home until 9pm. I get a text today asking if i am going to pick my son up from footy. My response was yes. Then i imedietly get a text "what time will you be home, i want to go out if its OK. My response was 6.10. She goes out at the same time i normalky do and returns at 9pm.
I had previously said that she does not have to ask me if she wants to go out, just let me know.
Then go dark which is as little contact as possible. Only discuss factual things about kids, set up clear and hard boundaries of interaction. This is whatever works for you, maybe just text messages. Also is it possible to minimize interaction in the same house? How would you deal with a room mate that was sharing your house but you knew nothing about nor liked particularly?
Yes I know this is very hard, this person looks an sounds like someone you knew, loved and shared a life with. But she really is not the same person.
You have to start finding your own footing and it will be very hard until you can separate emotionally and even physically.
Didnt tell her i was going out for a few hours, but she can just leave the house and dissapear when she likes. Sent her the utility bill to pay, that was wrong, because i didnt send an explanation with it. Made food for me and the kids the night before, but i didnt ask her. She supposed to be on a diet. Shes going out on friday and wants to know what time i get home from work, so she can go out. (This one is playing games, as i have been out the last 2 fridays straight from work).
I'm also dressing smarter which is getting noticed in work, but i get scanned up and down by the W, every time i come home.
But im doing good, no shouting back, just taking it. Trying to detach, got plenty of GAL. Following sandies rules.
She still thinks shes done nothing wrong, but admitted she was talking to other man with messages on her phone while we were together. Still doesnt see anything wrong with that.
She started with the tears and said she is worried about her future because she doesnt get paid well. She said that this is the type of thing that she should have been doing in her 20's. That if i stay in the house she will have nothing, no security, no deposit for a house.
She still mentions that she wants to look at moving out as she finds our situation uncomfortable. I dont think i could afford the mortgage on my own, unless i get a lodger in, or my bussiness venture really picks off.
She also complaining that our arrangement is like bussiness, that we don't talk to each other. She wanted to put a date to end our arrangement. Which i did not agree too.
So i come home from work at get hit with w saying we need to sell the house she said it will make the split official. Shes been telling this to her mother too. I said i dont want to sell the house and will be keeping it. She got quite nasty, saying that other option is to leave, but she does not want to do this and give the kids the impression that shes leaving them.
She feels like im forcing her to stay. She thinks the marital home will get to keep the kids.
Is this normal for mlc? Im not too sure its mlc, as she is quite happy most days.
Do i sell the house, her parents have some money behind them to get the lawyers involved if i hold out.
Well, she is certainly in la la land for sure. I am so sorry you are having to deal w/this.
Here's my take on the situation, if you can afford to remain in the house, then keep it. I wouldn't sell anything until the ink is dry on the divorce decree. Selling it now, in her mind, would give her a clean break and money in the pocket.
If she wants to leave, she will leave. That is her decision to make...but you are the sane, mature person in the mix and I would most certainly not put a "for sale" sign in my front yard. You and your children need a place to live and why would you up root them just because your wife doesn't want to live there?
The only person who is forcing her to stay is herself. She is looking for any excuse and isn't woman enough to walk out the door...she wants you to tell her it's okay to leave...don't do it. Listen and allow her to make that decision on her own.
I would also suggest, if you have not done so yet, seek the advice of a lawyer...but unless you are divorced...no, I wouldn't think of selling at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
