I am loving this, and reading everyone's answers and thoughts too.
For all of us, finding ourselves again after everything we've been through, is a slow process. For those that have been through something along the lines of what you've been through V, I think it can be harder still perhaps.
But there is also much joy to be had in rediscovering ourselves and finding new aspects of ourselves which make us even more who we are now. I'm very slowly starting to feel solid and safe in myself. That's something I've never felt before up to now.
I'm not quite sure how it happened. I think it maybe started with me trying to put as much emotional distance as possible between myself and XH after October 2015.
I think I did that by finding small things to focus my attention on (painting my front door, chatting with the lady behind the counter for a few minutes whenever I went to do some grocery shopping, doing some work for a couple of hours here and there alongside other people). The only thing I told myself was that I had to be fully present while doing those things, even if it was just for literally two minutes. And then I had to stop and find something that I was grateful for in whatever I had done.
I think that focussing so much on my inner journey so early on had the effect of creating something that was alive and new in me. Even though at the time, it was the smallest seed and I think that only I could notice it.
I remember that I completely lost touch with how I looked. I mean, I would still turn up at work with clean, ironed clothes, brushed hair and makeup on. But I couldn't have told you how I looked, or felt like I related to that side of myself.
I think I was shocked back into that side of myself three or so months after October 2015, at Christmas/New year time, on a night out. It was something a work colleague said to me, a passing comment. That's maybe when I started on my journey to try and inhabit my physical being more, and learn to love and appreciate that more.
I think that slowly exploring and pushing the boundaries of that side of my being, (which was something I'd never done before) has led me to appreciate how strong I can be. Talking about physically here, not emotionally, or mentally.
I still suffer from pain from the back injury that I had when things got super bad with XH. The physio I had was straight to it, and got pretty much instantly (actually a good while before I understood), that it had been caused the the huge amount of stress I had been under.
That was in December 2014. Three and a half years on, I wake up in pain every morning. And I feel so stiff round my midriff just as a matter of fact that it feels like I'm wearing a steel corset.
Anyway, I think I feel a lot more comfortable in my physical being than I have done for many, many years. I am aware of, and appreciate what my body can do, more than I ever have done before in my life. I try and look after it as much as I can in as many ways possible.
It's helped me reconnect with myself in all sorts of ways, but it's also helped me develop a new relationship with myself.
I want to say something else in answer to what you said about facing your own shadow. But I'll gather my thoughts a bit first. And it might even make more sense to read that post first, and then what I'd written above.
