Just a Vanilla change 38

[Vanilla]

The great purge. The G would not move out and despite him saying he hadn't much stuff. It was everywhere.

I had to pack his stuff after he left because he was taking so long to collect it. It was torture and traumatic he would turn up unannounced and collect stuff. It was very hard as he raged at me. I texted him "What is it about I do not want to see you again do you not understand?" Make it happen.

It was deliberate abuse and it was threatening and designed to intimidate. There is no doubt in my mind on it at all.

The G bought me gifts before we got M but afterwards they were bizarre things like hand warmers and lampshades. Cutey stuff never came my way. There was no romance at all, only rages and awful accusations.

I still struggle with feeling insignificant and ugly. Above all ugly and rather worthless. I know it's complex PTSD, but knowing what it is, taking extreme care, walking to the pain, none of it makes it stop.

I know I am out of danger but yet I still feel unsafe. My life was threatened. And yes I have had counselling and have been through an abuse programme twice. I have trained to help others, taken active steps and am taking a full on legal course to assist me. But I still feel unsafe. I believe the G is capable of killing me and he has said he will. I think he has done it before and that thought that admission is in my head. Once you know you cannot unknow.

Writing it down or saying it out loud make it seem far out. Far away, unreal but it is reality. One of my support team was counselling an abuse victim who was stabbed by her ex after being hit with a claw hammer. That ex is out on bail and visited the hospital to 'apologise" and ask the tormented to 'drop the charges or get them dropped.'

So what I want to purge isn't physical things or belongings. It's the thoughts, the feelings and the trauma. The trauma of a forced oral cop which may mean that sex is going to be near impossible as a loving experience. The verbal abuse which makes it impossible to recognise and love my body. The emotional abuse which leaves me with full blown anxiety in front of supermarket shelves.

I am not the only one, I am here to say do not repair an M or R based on abuse. Repair yourself as that takes real courage.

The triggers are not in the stuff left behind but in the implanted triggers in the mind. Some of it is very humorous and some of it is pathetic.

It is that I wish to purge, and by my higher spirit I will. I will face each one head on and although I am afraid of my own shadow. I will face it down.

It makes no sense to me at all. But it will gradually come together. I sense I will only be free when the G is truly gone and I am sure he isn't coming back. That may mean I will have to take legal action to do it. I am learning how.

V