I think rather than focusing on how those hopes and dreams are gone is start envisioning new hopes and dreams. Make real manageable modifications.
We can all look back and see things we should have done differently and sometimes couples can adapt to stress and change together but sometimes they just can't.
Start with something simple - like how you hope your daughter finds joy and friendship in her new school/activities and how you want her to have a good relationship with both of her parents... whatever that relationship will be.
Try not to define what or how your H's husband should be with his daughter. Do everything you can to enhance and support whatever is there. You are not doing this for your H or for you... but your D.
I truly get where you are at. I was there too. My son's father has never even taken him for a simple haircut. I had to do it all. That's not to say he was never around - he was but on his terms with what seemed to be minuscule to me. My son loved his father but knew I was his go to parent. There were times over the years I got asked "why doesn't my dad come to the soccer game?" and then having to fend off disappointment when his dad didn't call or just couldn't be there. I just made sure to point out the things his dad would do and the times they got together though sometimes they were indeed very few. I never did things to point out... such as "well your dad wasn't there again." It wasn't my job to judge his dad or to place my own expectations on him. I had to let him come into his own.
Eventually he did a little more with my son but it was still no where near what I felt as a parent it should be but I never complained. I was just grateful when he starting taking my son to scouts that he stuck with it - it was their one activity.
Now several years ago his dad moved many states away and he only sees our son 3 times a year. He may call once or maybe twice in the 6 months between visits. Of course Nicole you and I would be calling twice weekly to daily but that's us. We are the parent our children will rely on most for nearly everything. But, I just drove 9hr to deliver my son to his father for the next 4 weeks and my son is happy, adjusted and glad to be seeing his dad and his half siblings despite having only 2 other contacts since his last visit with his dad at Christmas Break. I did my job.. :-).
Now you are not going to change your H. Then you need to ask yourself what can you change? You can change your expectations. You can modify your hopes and dreams.
I can see you are working on becoming that strong independent woman again.
Make a list of positive things that are going on right now... this moment... do not focus on how you and your daughter have been ill lately... just note even the smallest positive point in your day.
Now try working toward new hopes and dreams. Start small and be specific and make it attainable in the next 2 weeks. Try something like "I will have an a relaxing evening with a friend". Now this evening can involve getting babysitter and going out OR it can be inviting a friend over for a light meal and conversation after said toddler is in bed.
