Banked that one. Just waiting for the right moment then will pounce. Still need to work up to the leg shaving task though... how about a light trim instead?
I know you are the expert when it comes to detaching and actions that prove this, Doodler, but I've seen your very constructive and thoughtful posts elsewhere and wondered if you have any other advice for me - perhaps about ways to manage the agonizing wait for this limbo period to end? It's a daily rollercoaster of emotions here, and it's getting less fun by the minute.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
But take it from me, this is temporary. You will emerge better, stronger, more independent.
Thanks for your thoughtful feedback on all my responses AnotherStander. It's nice to know what I have experienced is common even though none of us really have answers to why we never got the opportunity to prevent it.
Your anecdote about coming through the other side better for it and enjoying life more than ever is inspirational and I will try to have that in my mind as I look to the future. I can certainly feel the changes I have already implemented in myself will stand me in good stead for better, happier times, mostly likely without my W, and it is feedback like yours that really helps me stay positive when I am more often than not feeling quite low about things.
I look forward to more of your wisdom in due course. Thanks again.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
...perhaps about ways to manage the agonizing wait for this limbo period to end? It's a daily rollercoaster of emotions here, and it's getting less fun by the minute.
40free,
The one thing that I think most of the DB crowd seems to agree on is that GAL is hugely important. GAL helps refocus your mind which helps reduce the ruminating thoughts and it also shows your spouse that you can have a life without him/her. Of course, you already know all of that.
In my own case, I held on too long. I talked my wife into staying through the end of the school year so that my sons would have stability through the end of the school year. But, when I went to visit my wife at the hospital after she'd had neck surgery, the OM was in her room talking to her parents. (Granted, they were "just friends." Um yeah...) Finding the OM at the hospital was the last straw for me and I asked my wife to leave.
Once we'd separated, I was very surprised to find that my life actually seemed to improve. Although I hated the fact that I didn't get to see my sons every day (we had a rotating 2-3 schedule at the time). There was no more walking on eggshells. Honestly, it felt great.
Prior to the separation, I'd blamed myself for a lot the issues we'd had. I actually believed a lot of what my wife had been telling me. After separation, I was able to be much more objective. That's when my anger started ratcheting up; I felt like I'd been a doormat for a long time. After that, I had zero tolerance for my wife's crap, to the extent that I eventually banned her from coming in the house.
Looking back, I don't think the marriage could've been saved unless I was willing to tolerate the OM for as long as my wife wanted him to be around. I'm not interested in that kind of relationship, so the end result was divorce (she filed).
I'm not a huge proponent of "waiting it out" through a lot of bad behavior. My opinion, and it's just an opinion, is that DB seems to keep the LBS hanging on far too long. I think a decisive action early-on is probably best in most cases. Regardless, there aren't many successes, and I don't think that's due to technique, it's just the nature of the beast. But, I think DB gets a lot of stuff right, so I'm not trying to poo-poo the overall approach.
Thanks Doodler. Really appreciate you taking the time to provide your thoughts, and very helpful insight. Will certainly try to GAL more. Aside from exercising regularly and getting out during the day, it's a little tricky to go out at night as would look odd to the kids, but everyone now and then is ok, I know.
I also think separation will be good for me, although I'm concerned she wont move out (and I definitely do not want to - why should I?). The stress levels will reduce and detachment will be much more straight forward.
UPDATE FROM JUST NOW: I thought my W was off seeing houses today. I think I was wrong. I think she saw her lawyer because I have noted she has downloaded divorce documentation. She wouldn't have done or known what to do without advice. She has another session in her diary for this Friday, so I am concerned she is planning to complete documents tomorrow and meet with lawyers on Friday with a view to filing. And we haven't even had a discussion about the R yet!! Although of course I know this is the outcome she was planning, I am understandably reeling from the fact that she was going to go ahead with this without even having the courtesy or respect to talk to me about it.Or maybe she plans to do the documentation and then speak to me about it so she is fully prepared to push the button straight after we talk. Probably.
She is so sly, scheming WAW - which I obviously knew already. Aren't they all. But I think I need to break DB rules and initiate the conversation tomorrow morning when the kids are gone. She should at least have the decency to tell me what she is feeling and that she has decided we need to separate. Any views on whether that would be the right thing to do now? It seems appropriate given the circumstances. I need to be able to defend myself and so this is just information gathering - she'll probably lie but she'll tell me some things I can use.
I will also chat to my L tomorrow too. I've briefed her that this might happen.
Any advice very gratefully received.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Aside from exercising regularly and getting out during the day, it's a little tricky to go out at night as would look odd to the kids, but everyone now and then is ok, I know.
40free,
I totally understand, I had the same issue. After separation, there was no way I was giving up my time with my sons just so I could GAL. My GAL became home improvement. Some people om the forum would argue that home improvement is not true GAL. Whatever. It did the trick for me and I could be home with the boys as well. In fact, the boys really liked what I was dong and referred to the house as "The Castle."
At the time, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep the house, but my reasoning for working on the house was that, whether or not I kept the house, I would increase the value of the house and I'd benefit either way.
You can also include your kids in your GAL activities. Regardless, I found that getting up early and getting things done was a lot better than sitting around waiting on whatever was in store for me in the future.
Thanks Doodler. More great guidance, and you're right - time with the kids is more important than anything else. During this limbo period I've been doing all I can with them - all three of them individually and together. I am dreading the time when they aren't with me every day - I don't know how separated parents cope with that, but they clearly do, and so will I'm sure will I.
Between GAL with them, and with my friends (who I really do need to try to reconnect with as those friendships have definitely suffered during my M life), I'll make sure I get through this.
Thanks again.
PS- told the wife she had thin lips tonight and suggested botox. She nearly spat out her lychee martini... good one.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
I think I need to break DB rules and initiate the conversation tomorrow morning when the kids are gone. She should at least have the decency to tell me what she is feeling and that she has decided we need to separate. Any views on whether that would be the right thing to do now? It seems appropriate given the circumstances. I need to be able to defend myself and so this is just information gathering - she'll probably lie but she'll tell me some things I can use.
Any views on this guys? I do think it's time. I won't initiate in an emotional or agitated way, just matter of fact. From my side, I will still be full of validation, just feel we have to start communicating in some way. We have nothing at the moment. Can't be good, and really, although detaching/LRT etc is what DB'ing suggests, I think she is just not at the stage where she cares what I'm doing or thinking and is thus unaffected by this approach. It's been clear from her actions. She is the perfect example of detached actually! I should be more like her..
Anyway, views overnight would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
I think I need to break DB rules and initiate the conversation tomorrow morning when the kids are gone.
What is the outcome you are looking for from the conversation? If it's to start to separate or divorce then have it because 9 times of 10 that will be the outcome.
It's been 2 weeks since we last spoke on this. I know she is gearing up for something. From what I see it is S and/or D and soon and I do want to get ahead of that.
I would just ask an open question whether she has had any further thoughts since we last spoke, and leave it to her to tell me. We left it last time that she would see our CC to see if there was a way to work on her intimacy issues and then she was going to discuss with her mother to get her views. She's now done both, but not reported back on any of that despite saying she would, so it's a natural question to ask.
You're going to say forcing a discussion makes her more likely to confirm these feelings, but she's going to do that anyway at some point in my view, and if she is going to file for D, I would like to do so before she does. It would be adding insult to injury if she files after all she has done.
As I say, any information I get at this stage, in a civil, considered conversation, will be helpful to me. She could easily lie, and probably will, but I feel it's worth the risk.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
