But a lot of times when I try to implement advice I receive here it feels like I should be having "harder" feelings toward her and encouraging my anger.
Do you have to muster up harder feelings for her in order for you to implement some of the advice? I'm sure it must feel very uncomfortable and perhaps unnatural, b/c you seem to be a gentle person. You have been in a very manipulative relationship for a long time, and it must cause you to question your feelings a lot.
To be clear, I don't want you to harbor hard feelings for your W. Those type of feelings will result in you becoming a WAH. If your goal is to have a healthy MR, then don't swap the positive feelings for negative ones. Make sense?
I felt the vacation trip was much, much too soon following the events in your sitch. But I knew you were going and nothing I said was going to prevent it. During that time, you lost touch with your support system, and it probably set you back. She is contacting the OM, manipulating you, etc. If you called her hand on anything.....I didn't catch it in your posts. I understand not wanting to "ruin" the trip, as you probably thought you'd be doing......so now you are pretty much back to the starting line again (with her). I believe once you can grasp the correct concept of how you should feel vs the actions to show, you'll be okay.
You love this woman with all your heart. As long as she is respecting you and the MR, then by all means.....show all those warm, tender, affectionate actions that are bursting to get out. She will see, "When I respect my H, I get wonderful acts of love in return".
What happens if she doesn't respect you? What happens if the lines become a bit blurred for you and you aren't sure if it is disrespect.....but it seems she takes advantage of you, likes to dictate what you do, reacts petty when you do something for yourself, etc. If you continue with the warm affection or subservient behavior, she'll think, "Hummm, I get his wonderful acts of love regardless of how badly I treat him. My sex desire for him is gone. He is not what I admire in a man. I can treat him anyway I want, and get the same results".
You'll lose her positive feelings, if she can manipulate or boss you and still get the warm, fuzzy actions from you. Does your love stop? No, but you have self-respect and your values of how others treat come into play. When you refuse to succumb to her bossiness, or comfort her pettiness, or be understanding of her cheating behavior, or give physical affection when she belittles you....then she sees, "44 is stronger than I gave him credit. I admire him for not taking any of my cr@p behavior. I miss him spending time with me, and I miss the affection he once gave. I miss the closeness we once had. I want to treat him better, or I might lose him completely".
That's kind of the way it is in a nutshell. Of course, it's not as easy and quick as this sounded, b/c a bad situation has been created, and she feels in total power over you. She is not going to give up that sense of power easily. You have been in a subservient mode for so long that it may take a professional therapist to help you get out, IDK. I do think you have blurred the lines between feeling one emotion and doing another action. If we all based our actions on our feelings, the world would be more messed up than it already is. We base our actions on our values.
Quote:
I don't know how to internalize the fact that I'm done putting up with her and will be better off without her, without also abandoning the belief that she is a decent human being. I don't know if that makes any sense at all or answers your question.
It makes sense, but I'm telling you it doesn't have to be that way. I wish I knew how to tell you that you don't have to think of her in derogatory terms, in order to stand up yourself. We teach people how to treat us. If I tell you that the only thing a WW respects is strength, then tell me why it is so difficult for you to show that strength to your W? What do you see in your mind when you think of a man of strength dealing with a wayward W? I'm just curious to know.
I so hope that you have not developed the mindset of an emotionally abused spouse. If you haven't, there's a good chance that you will, continuing to subject yourself to this type of treatment. Can you see how you make excuses for her, try to blame yourself, find reasons to believe it's not as bad as it may sound to others, etc. What led you to read Stosny's book? Nobody on the board is going to blame you or find fault if you feel abused. If you do, then I suggest you get professional help with it. By that, I'm not trying to get rid of you or anything. I'm trying to get to the heart of what's really going on with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
