Advice on my Scenario Pt. 15-Lighthouse Guardsman

[OrangeK]

Just submitted a request to hear from a new office of IC's.

[Ginger1]

I pretty much concur with J9. There is a point where you are just sick of the pain and wasted energy on something that really isn't going to make things any better anyways.

it's been 10 years for me. I have learned to live without apology, remorse, him marrying OW and her being my daughter's stepmother. I just got tired one day of being angry, of wanting to know how he could possibly do this to me when pregnant with our daughter via IVF. I was 27 years old.

I turned the focus on me and my daughter. I became the best me I could be and the best mother I could be. And I think I am pretty amazing at it all. I have since furthered my education and my career, I have always done well for myself and my daughter. I simply take pride in that.

[OrangeK]

ZIts just tough to swallow sometimes.

GAL, 180's and all that are the perscribed method, and if it has worked for hundreds, it seems there is an established pattern there.

I know i have said this in the past, and its a recurring thought, so i figured i would bring it up again.

The issue i have with the method of GAL/ 180's, self care etc. is that it feels like letting her win. Like she got to do all these awful things, and will likely go on to do them again to someone else, without consequence, or any sort of reccompense for what she has done.

Focusing on 180's and GAL feels like turning around and walking away, and just letting her walk into the sunset with OM, and 50% of the time My Son.

I have this overbearing feeling that there is some action i need to be taking that i am not.

it doesn't feel right. I feel like i have been missing some crucial piece of the puzzle of recovery this whole time, and still am.
Like there is 1 cog missing in the clockwork of my healing, and when it falls into place EVERY SINGLE gear will begin spinning as it is supposed to, and right now all the other gears and springs are there, and working, but not doing anything due to that 1 missing cog.

[OrangeK]

I hope to be able to come here one day, hopefully before 2019 and talk in the way Makia, Joespeh, Ginger AS and others that are Separated, or divorced, but most importantly DETACHED and help newbies who are suffering.

I have this distinct feeling I am going to be the one commenting on newbie threads in a year coaching them on what its like to have a WW deep personality disorder issues....

[Ginger1]

ZIts just tough to swallow sometimes.

GAL, 180's and all that are the perscribed method, and if it has worked for hundreds, it seems there is an established pattern there.

I know i have said this in the past, and its a recurring thought, so i figured i would bring it up again.

The issue i have with the method of GAL/ 180's, self care etc. is that it feels like letting her win. Like she got to do all these awful things, and will likely go on to do them again to someone else, without consequence, or any sort of reccompense for what she has done.

Focusing on 180's and GAL feels like turning around and walking away, and just letting her walk into the sunset with OM, and 50% of the time My Son.

I don't understand. How is you living a good life with your son letting her win?

What can you possibly do to stop her from going off into the sunset with OM. What do you have in your power to have her not do that?

You know how win's when YOU don't GAL or do 180's or make your like better for yourself?

That's when she "wins" and you "lose" Because she still marches off into the sunset with OM and you are just angry and bitter without making a great life for yourself.

FWIW, my ex H has exactly what he wants. He wanted to be a very part time father. he didn't want the same woman to be his wife and the mother of his kid. He did get what he wants. Did he "win"? Nope. Because whether he won or lost is no matter to me. All that matters to me is me and my kid.

[OrangeK]

I don't understand. How is you living a good life with your son letting her win?

I didnt say anything about me Living a good life with my son being attributed to my feeling of "letting her win".
I feel like its letting her win to simply sit back and do nothing, and walk on eggshells so i dont incur her wrath any further than i already have. It feels defeatist.

What can you possibly do to stop her from going off into the sunset with OM. What do you have in your power to have her not do that?

I dont care if she stays with OM, that is a forgone conclusion. Its going to happen, at least for the next 2-4 years until she devalues him.
I simply wanted to discuss the feeling of powerlessness that i have from everything that has occurred over the last year. She sought and found, and sucsessfully hid the affair for 8 months, WIN. She stung me along as Plan B the whole time afterwards, long enough to get her new life set up and comfy. WIN. She is getting what she wants in the Divorce. WIN. I am getting PORKED in the divorce. WIN.
at each step of the process she has gotten what she wanted, what she lied and manipulated for. She has had no repercussions, no set backs and no justice for her actions.
How does that not drive you crazy?

You know how win's when YOU don't GAL or do 180's or make your like better for yourself?

That's when she "wins" and you "lose" Because she still marches off into the sunset with OM and you are just angry and bitter without making a great life for yourself.

I never said I am not going to 180 and GAL, it just doesnt feel like "winning" per-say. I will be a better ME no matter what.

FWIW, my ex H has exactly what he wants. He wanted to be a very part time father. he didn't want the same woman to be his wife and the mother of his kid. He did get what he wants. Did he "win"? Nope. Because whether he won or lost is no matter to me. All that matters to me is me and my kid.

I wish i could be as apathetic about that as you are.
Sorry but i cannot just accept her "Winning"
Im sure to your EX's mind, as warped as it may be, he did WIN, because he got what he wanted.
I cannot abide that.
I dont think i will ever be able to confidently say
"Because whether or not she "Won" makes no difference to me"

we are just different in that regard Ginger.

[OrangeK]

I also have wondrous things to work through, that not all LBH's have to deal with.

The Trauma Bond, the Gaslighting, The stonewalling and emotional abuse. CPTSD, and so on. SO that adds a dynamic of my recovery i never thought i would have to deal with, or even knew about before all this happened.

[Ginger1]

But you have power. Over you. You are powerless over what she does, and if she wins, ect. But you have power in so many other places. That's what GAL/180's are all about.

I wasn't always apathetic. I just realized whether or not he gets to say "I won" really matters. Sure, it stinks. I pounded my fists a bunch of times and said "It's not fair he won!!" I don't even think my ex feels like he won. He knows he got what he wanted, but I don't understand the concept of the other person winning.

But where did that get me? Absolutely nowhere. Wait, I lie, I got me angry and less focused on my life and more on his.

So what if you don't "win"? But you do get a better you out of it. So what if you can't run around and say "I won"!

Honestly, and I am not saying in spite, but the winning and losing thing is kind of an immature way of thinking. I had the same immaturity at one time. a whole "stupid f*cker won!" but then I realized how childish that was. It's ok to grieve what you lost. But being so bitter about what someone else has can wear a person down.

[AnotherStander]

I didnt say anything about me Living a good life with my son being attributed to my feeling of "letting her win".
I feel like its letting her win to simply sit back and do nothing, and walk on eggshells so i dont incur her wrath any further than i already have. It feels defeatist.

I get what you're saying. I mean I'm sure you would love for her to have to feel some repercussions from her actions, but on the other hand what would those be that would bring you any kind of peace? There was another guy here, this was many years ago so I'm sorry but I have no idea his handle anymore, but his W was similar to yours in that it seemed like she had some kind of mental disorder. She left him and he did all the right things as far as DB'ing and giving her time and space. I think they did end up divorced, but he would come back now and then with updates that her fling with OM was not working out like she had hoped and that she seemed to be struggling trying to find direction. Then one day he popped in to report that she had killed herself. It certainly did not bring him closure, or any kind of sense of relief or any feeling that he had "won". I promise you your W is not happy with her life and feeling like she's been victorious over you. She's a mess, and if she doesn't eventually get help there's no telling what her path is. The thing is, you can't do anything. She doesn't want your help or suggestions. All you can do is focus on you and let her path lead her wherever it does. There just aren't any winners in these situations. Everyone comes out damaged.

I never said I am not going to 180 and GAL, it just doesnt feel like "winning" per-say. I will be a better ME no matter what.

I know it's not easy but try to let go of that winning versus losing thought and look at this as a renewal. Don't let this crush you, think of it as a cocoon you are breaking out of to become something new and amazing. I went from being dead inside and literally thinking my life was over to becoming someone with a vibrant, active life full of new people. My GF is young, sweet, beautiful and has a centerfold figure. We have so many common interests it's uncanny. We go to waterparks, theme parks, haunted houses, motorcycles rides, etc. etc. We even collect the same things, watch the same shows and movies. Guess how many of those things I did with my ex? NONE! She didn't like any of that! I'll never forget how I planned a motorcycle trip for our 15th anniversary (we had gone on one for our honeymoon so I thought it would be cool to do) only to have her tell me she wouldn't get on it with me because "if something happens to both of us then what will happen to the kids?" But here's the thing, I don't see my new life as a "win". It's just different. Like I have said here before, one chapter in my life closed and another opened. Is this the last chapter or are there more? Who knows, I just take it a day at a time!

Im sure to your EX's mind, as warped as it may be, he did WIN, because he got what he wanted.

Make a written list of the things you want. Ask yourself if you can get those from W. If not, then ask yourself what changes you need to make to get on the path of achieving everything you want and leave her in your dust. Keep that list and look at it now and then. WHO CARES whether she thinks she won or not, except maybe her. And if she does think that way, then how petty is she.

[OrangeK]

Let me clarify.

It's less of a "She is winning i am losing" factor, than it is a "She did all these horrible things, and has had to suffer ZERO consequences, setbacks or karma/justice because of it"
While i, having done all i could to be a good husband and father, faithful, providing, caring and present, have had nothing but low blows, getting screwed over by the bias court system, pain, misery and slander. Plus she has been able to dictate how most of this has gone due to the Rest. Order that she A. doesnt seem to comprehend the scope of, and 2.) she seems to take pleasure in throwing in my face.

Its the fact that she did all the bad things and is seemingly benefiting from it, all the while having no remorse or a care in the world the pain and hurt she has caused S3 and myself, the 2 people she was supposed to truly love and care for.
coupled with the fact that I did everything i believe to be right, fair, honest and just, and have gotten nothing but heartbreak and financial destruction for my efforts.

the sheer unfairness and injustice of it makes me sick.

The fact that she doesnt care a wink, makes me sicker.

The only factor of relief i have is the fact that deep down, beneath her facade i believe she is very emotionally damaged, no self esteem, constant fear of others opinions, and being abandoned.
This gives me no joy. I did love this woman and do not want her to live with the gaping black hole inside her that i know Narcissism produces. I want her to heal, and be content and happy. While at the same time, i am so angry and bitter towards her for all she has done, which was all premeditated and planned.
She was mistreated as a child, and had no choice in her development of a personality disorder, she is broken, and i cannot imagine living life the way she does, constantly concerned with others, seeming superior, wearing the mask and so on. It must be exhausting, and soul crushing.
Until she sees wahts wrong and seeks help, she will have to live like that forever, and i know the world of hurt OM is in for in the next few years, its inevitable.
I just feel awful that S3 will be hurt when OM gets the boot.