Advice on my Scenario Pt. 15-Lighthouse Guardsman

[TBSakaJ9]

OK - I used to ask myself and everyone else the similar questions you are asking. More than 1 year later I still do not have any answers but time does heal all wounds. I no longer care that I never got those answers and the personal journey I am on does not allow me the ability to dwell on it.

I know that I have put in the work and I know that she is still the same person, has done no self-reflection, and chalks our R up to 2 people that grew apart from one another. I highly doubt she recognizes her mistakes and will not make them in any of her future relationships.

Over time you will become more excited about your future, excited to meet another partner, and happy with yourself and the man you have become.

Just remember you don't get to that place by constantly looking in the rearview mirror.

[OrangeK]

Well the cycle is a normal part of grief and recovery. The fastest way is not around, but through. You've got to let it happen. There's a book called The Happiness Trap that helped me a lot, one of the themes of the book is there are no "good" or "bad" emotions, they are all a natural part of us and we shouldn't chase what we think are the good ones and shun the bad ones. We should accept them as they come and process them. You are going to keep cycling for a while, I know it's miserable but you'll eventually work it out of your system.

Ill definitely look into that book. Thanks, The only way i can describe how the low point in the cycle feels is, i have fire in my chest, like if i breathe out in the wrong direction i will start an inferno. I have tried to describe the PHYSICAL sensation of rage and anger before, and i have found only other guys who understand what i am talking about. This tangible feeling of raw energy in my muscles and skin. i feel like a vessel trying to contain 150 megatons of energy in a Styrofoam cup. Forgive the nerd reference, but the best way i can describe it is, I feel like a sorcerer who just tapped into his power for thes first time, there is this endless tide of burning fury, then it eventually cools and fades, and i feel great for a few days. Rinse and repeat. for a vision - google Image search "Geek and sundry Phoenix Sorcerer"
Yea. Im a nerd

I went back and read your very first post again. I don't know her and I don't know her side of the story, but someone who commits to M and then engages in an affair mere weeks later has some serious issues that need addressing.

Yes, she does. If you get to about mid way through my Sitch, Sandi, Vanilla and i begin discussing Personality Disorders. I am 99% she is a Cluster B of some type, seemingly a Somatic Covert Narcissist.
Scary stuff. Whether she is AWARE of her behavior and patterns, is a mystery to me.

I question whether someone like her can even feel love, she may be chasing every direction to find it because SHE can't love to begin with. If that's the case then she needs to get to the root of why, and that would take some serious therapy. But you can't help her. She doesn't want your help and resents you right now. All you can do is pull back and remove yourself from the equation. Give her time and space and hopefully she will come to realize she needs help.

In regards to her capability to love, i agree. it isnt there. Not in the true sense. She is always chasing "the butterflies" of a new R, when those fade, she feels she has fallen out of love, and begins looking for a new source. It is an addiction to Limerence.
Again, a key component of Narcissism is the inability to develop true love, empathy or guilt. I believe she was neglected, and possibly sexually assaulted as a child, and then was periodically put on pedestal and spoiled, as an only child. So much dark history to screw up her emotional maturity and development of emotions.
She is emotionally stuck at age 8. Its really sad. She has the potential to be such an amazing person, but thats all her "mask" or "Facade". Once we lived together, and got married, that false front slipped away, I also think when this happens, she cuts losses and bails before she can be abandoned.
She fears being alone, in any way. She has to have a partner, and a fresh one at that, at all times.
I do believe she tried to fight against her nature and stay with me, and make it work for a little bit when she began to see the devalue happening. I even recall her saying once "I would have left you a long time ago if we weren't married with a child"
I believe it will take a really hard, serious loss, or for her to alienate herself to the point of having nobody before she seeks help.

OM is a fool for having an affair with a woman that had only been married for weeks. Either he is just in it for the physical gratification or he's an idiot. Regardless, their relationship is built on lies, secrecy and adultery. Do you think a relationship based on that can last? Highly unlikely. What often happens is the married party gets a D and moves in with OP and all of the excitement of a sneaky affair is gone and OP quickly loses interest.

Well, she also lies and slanders her EX's at the onset of a new R. She did it with me, about 2 of her EX's.
Im sure OM was fed a story from Day one of knowing her, how i am abusive, controlling, take her for granted, and much more. The same spiel i heard in the onset. I remeber saying "Holy Crap, how could any man treat you like THAT?! you are the sweetest, most amazing woman ive ever known!! HAHA! his loss, IDIOT! if he ever bothers you again, ill take care of it"
Double whammy for her, Negative attention and floods of admiration all in one fell swoop.
So OM thinks he is some rescuing hero, saving her and S3 from my tyrannical clutches. Even though she has already contradicted her story to him. (She told him and all her new friends we were already split up and divorcing this time last year, but when i discovered affair in Oct. i had her text him and "Cut all ties" right un front of me. If we had been split for months, wouldn't this be suspect to him??"
I agree if he cant see hes being lied to he is an idiot.
No, i dont think it will last, not for a second, but that fear that it will is HUGE and REAL.
I have this strong need to see them break up, even if her and i never speak again. I feel kinda bad (like 0.00000215%) for OM, he has no idea whats coming in the next 3-5 years.....Poor bastard. Oh well. thats what you get for actively pursuing a married woman with a 3 year old son. F**k him.

I imagine they will move in together once D is final.
I know my Devalue rampped up to full speed when we moved in together.
Once she sees he is a human, with flaws, and not her prefect reflection, he is screwed.
[/quote]


Thanks Again man. getting all this out really helped.
I seem to need frequent reminders of how treacherous and awful she has been, even if i type it myself.
I tend to fall back on the good memories.

Man, i do miss family Sunday snuggles in bed together, and the thought of OM Doing that makes me want to go grab my sword....(Yes i do own and practice with swords....lol)

Not worth my time

[OrangeK]

OK - I used to ask myself and everyone else the similar questions you are asking. More than 1 year later I still do not have any answers but time does heal all wounds. I no longer care that I never got those answers and the personal journey I am on does not allow me the ability to dwell on it.

I know that I have put in the work and I know that she is still the same person, has done no self-reflection, and chalks our R up to 2 people that grew apart from one another. I highly doubt she recognizes her mistakes and will not make them in any of her future relationships.

Over time you will become more excited about your future, excited to meet another partner, and happy with yourself and the man you have become.

Just remember you don't get to that place by constantly looking in the rearview mirror.

Rear view Mirror quote is on point.
thanks.

I can see how i will have achieved apathy regarding her this time next year, maybe finalizing D will help me get some closure.
Did that help you at all?

I am excited about the man i am becoming. Need to get back in the Firehouse.

[TBSakaJ9]

It happened in stages for me. I was in limbo for about 8 months and then in Jan she told he she was ready to move forward. That helped a ton and yes once the D was finalized that helped as well. Now that I have started interacting with other ladies that has further pushed me down the path also.

It's just a process but early on we all had the same questions. I remember the sleepless nights, not eating, not being able to think about anything else, crying on my way to work, on the way home, talking to my mom 2 times a day, spending hours on this board reading, saving links......just anything that would help. I was a mess, crying at my desk at work even.

Just know that it does get better, what your experiencing is normal but in time you will heal and move on. Be grateful for you son, the memories you made, and you are now wiser and smarter for having gone through this ordeal. Your a young man with a long life ahead of you. Just try to learn and grown from this experience so your next R will be a healthy one.

[OrangeK]

It happened in stages for me. I was in limbo for about 8 months and then in Jan she told he she was ready to move forward. That helped a ton and yes once the D was finalized that helped as well. Now that I have started interacting with other ladies that has further pushed me down the path also.

It's just a process but early on we all had the same questions. I remember the sleepless nights, not eating, not being able to think about anything else, crying on my way to work, on the way home, talking to my mom 2 times a day, spending hours on this board reading, saving links......just anything that would help. I was a mess, crying at my desk at work even.

Just know that it does get better, what your experiencing is normal but in time you will heal and move on. Be grateful for you son, the memories you made, and you are now wiser and smarter for having gone through this ordeal. Your a young man with a long life ahead of you. Just try to learn and grown from this experience so your next R will be a healthy one.

I guess i misjudged timeframes. I found out about affair in Oct, and thats when we split up, So im 3/4 of a year into this, and i am a lot better than i was say, in Jan / Feb, but I really thought i would be a lot further along in healing by now, especially after knowing the scope and depth of the things she has done to me, said about me, and all with no remorse, not so much as a tear or a backward glance from her.

Makes me sick i gave my heart and soul to someone like that.
I feel so duped.

[TBSakaJ9]

i would be a lot further along in healing by now, especially after knowing the scope and depth of the things she has done to me, said about me, and all with no remorse, not so much as a tear or a backward glance from her.

I was with my EW for 17 years and she never showed one once of remorse for what she has done either. No remorse for being selfish, for not wanting to work on the R, for breaking up our family, and the pain she has caused our children.

She has told family friends she never wanted to hurt me but that still did not stop her from doing so. She was a runaway freight train and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was no amount of GAL, detaching, being an Alpha, 180's, etc. that was going to make a difference.

Eventually you will get to a point to where you are done with the pain, done with giving her so much of your mental energy, and that usually goes hand in hand with you getting stronger. As I grew as a person, increased my confidence, focused on all the good things I have in my life or the things that I created post my EW leaving the more detached I got. You just have to keep moving forward and turn yourself into the best possible OK you can be. When you are operating at a high level, when you are confident, and know your value you will attract the right women into your life.

I did not get my EW to return to our MR however I am a completely different man than I was 1 yr ago today. I have turned a negative situation into the most transformational period in my life. I still have some periods of sadness, I still look in my rearview mirror from time to time, there is a part of me as well that hopes my EW does wake up some day however I know I have to keep moving forward, and I am done wasting my mental space and energy on a woman that does not want to be with me. There are too many attractive women in this world, that have their $hit together, who would love to be with a man like me.

OK, just remember only you can pull yourself out of the muck. Everyone can offer advice and suggestions BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE WORK!.

Keep moving forward.

[mtb1981]

Well, she also lies and slanders her EX's at the onset of a new R. She did it with me, about 2 of her EX's.
Im sure OM was fed a story from Day one of knowing her, how i am abusive, controlling, take her for granted, and much more..

My W does the same $hit. There are a lot of lies being told to EVERYONE about me right now. The best part is that anyone that is worth a damn and knows me, knows that what she is saying is not true. The only people she is fooling is the new crowd of losers that she has attached herself to. And I couldn't care less what those jerkoffs think about me. She is actually telling close friends of mine that I am beating her. That I show up at her house drunk in the middle of the night and slam her head against the wall. Told this to my good friend that was a groomsman in our wedding. He called her out on her BS and told her nobody believed her...

[Maika]

I was with my EW for 17 years and she never showed one once of remorse for what she has done either. No remorse for being selfish, for not wanting to work on the R, for breaking up our family, and the pain she has caused our children.

She has told family friends she never wanted to hurt me but that still did not stop her from doing so. She was a runaway freight train and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was no amount of GAL, detaching, being an Alpha, 180's, etc. that was going to make a difference.

Eventually you will get to a point to where you are done with the pain, done with giving her so much of your mental energy, and that usually goes hand in hand with you getting stronger. As I grew as a person, increased my confidence, focused on all the good things I have in my life or the things that I created post my EW leaving the more detached I got. You just have to keep moving forward and turn yourself into the best possible OK you can be. When you are operating at a high level, when you are confident, and know your value you will attract the right women into your life.

I did not get my EW to return to our MR however I am a completely different man than I was 1 yr ago today. I have turned a negative situation into the most transformational period in my life. I still have some periods of sadness, I still look in my rearview mirror from time to time, there is a part of me as well that hopes my EW does wake up some day however I know I have to keep moving forward, and I am done wasting my mental space and energy on a woman that does not want to be with me. There are too many attractive women in this world, that have their $hit together, who would love to be with a man like me.

OK, just remember only you can pull yourself out of the muck. Everyone can offer advice and suggestions BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE WORK!.

Keep moving forward.

That is pure gold. Heed this and you'll be good. More than good.

[AnotherStander]

I was with my EW for 17 years and she never showed one once of remorse for what she has done either. No remorse for being selfish, for not wanting to work on the R, for breaking up our family, and the pain she has caused our children.

She has told family friends she never wanted to hurt me but that still did not stop her from doing so. She was a runaway freight train and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was no amount of GAL, detaching, being an Alpha, 180's, etc. that was going to make a difference.

^^^ Seriously you could be describing me and my ex, except 5 years prior (my BD was 2012).

Eventually you will get to a point to where you are done with the pain, done with giving her so much of your mental energy, and that usually goes hand in hand with you getting stronger. As I grew as a person, increased my confidence, focused on all the good things I have in my life or the things that I created post my EW leaving the more detached I got. You just have to keep moving forward and turn yourself into the best possible OK you can be. When you are operating at a high level, when you are confident, and know your value you will attract the right women into your life.

Precisely, well said!

I did not get my EW to return to our MR however I am a completely different man than I was 1 yr ago today. I have turned a negative situation into the most transformational period in my life.

Yes, again I relate so well to your words. I just bought an art piece yesterday from one of my favorite artists, it's a sculpt of a burning tower based on the "Tower" tarot card. She was telling me about the symbology, how at first glance it appears the tower is burning down and all is lost, but in reality it is making way for something newer, better and stronger to be built. I bought it because I liked how it looked, but when she explained it to me I told her it must have struck a chord with me on more levels than I realized because that's very symbolic of my life the last several years.

[OrangeK]

Well, she also lies and slanders her EX's at the onset of a new R. She did it with me, about 2 of her EX's.
Im sure OM was fed a story from Day one of knowing her, how i am abusive, controlling, take her for granted, and much more..

My W does the same $hit. There are a lot of lies being told to EVERYONE about me right now. The best part is that anyone that is worth a damn and knows me, knows that what she is saying is not true. The only people she is fooling is the new crowd of losers that she has attached herself to. And I couldn't care less what those jerkoffs think about me. She is actually telling close friends of mine that I am beating her. That I show up at her house drunk in the middle of the night and slam her head against the wall. Told this to my good friend that was a groomsman in our wedding. He called her out on her BS and told her nobody believed her...

Yea, my WW hasnt tried to Slander me to anyone from my side, she likely knows it wouldnt work, and she doesnt do well with rejection or being wrong, so she just feeds it all to her new social circle, "THe Hen House" as i call it, and OM. I could give a dusty rodent fart what any of them think, bunch of superficial losers.

MTB, Have you researched Personality Disorders?