Can I really do this #3

[SteveLW]

JS, you said:

"So I am just struggling with the sadness, darkness and mostly just down all morning. Maybe it was just being gone, relaxing for a moment, and then getting back and reality rushes and floods back into the heart and the mind. "

But look at the difference in your last two updates. First one "busy, busy, busy" and you were feeling good.

Then you aren't busy and you are struggling.

See the correlation. Staying busy is paramount to remaining more consistently in a good place.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve and yes, you nailed it.
The busier the better.

Did get an email this morning that W changed her IRA email accounts and took me off. I just gave her a quick call and asked if she had done the change. She said yes. I told her thank you I just wanted to make sure it was you and not a hacker.

So I don't know if that was her thing or what. Every once in a while she actually does something to seem to move things toward a D. You'd think if she wanted a D so bad, she would schedule the mediation appointment which she still hasn't done. I don't know if she does it just to keep herself convinced or what.

The things us LBS's have to deal with and living in the unknown...

[SteveLW]

She is being passive-aggressive. Also, I didn't think you could be removed from those accounts until after D. Might want to check into it.

It is the illusion of action. As long as she is doing easy things like that then she feels she is still progressing toward her BD proclamation. But again, WAWs and WWs in particular can be the laziest creatures on plane earth. Likely she did this to provoke you and to make it easier for her to stick to her "plan".

[Dtrmned]

She just changed the email address for her account.
Or that is what she said she did.
So I guess with that she din't remove me, just the place the statement was sent to.

Thanks Steve. I do think it was maybe a combination of both. Her justifying she is moving forward with her decision and her trying to provoke me. I didn't take the bait. I was calm and only asked the relevant questions, was calm and cool and thanked her when I ended the call.

I was actually a bit taken aback by the call. I prepared myself prior to only treat her more like just another person on the phone and not my W. The conversation was mostly transactional but polite. I steered the conversation with brief, direct questions. Validated the information she provided and ended the call. It was like I wasn't even speaking with my partner of 20 years! WEIRD!

[Dtrmned]

Looking for opinions on what she is trying to accomplish:

She has done nothing to re-file for D or schedule a mediation appointment.

BUT, she has:

deleted her facebook account and added a new one under her maiden name.

got her own checking account (done months ago and i responded by getting my own as well).

Changed the email and contact reporting address for her ira's and life insurance.

So she is making progress and moving towards detaching and separating, but as far as I can tell, she can re-activate her facebook account at any time, same with the bank (close it) and the ira's could change back in the future as well, so none of these are giant things that can't be immediately undone. Is the reason she is doing this to get a reaction out of me and hopefully I blow up allowing her to justify her decision to D?

Just very curious as I try to look from the outside in but when you are deep in it, it is difficult. Very much value the guidance from those dealing and helping with similar situations.

[sandi2]

Is the reason she is doing this to get a reaction out of me and hopefully I blow up allowing her to justify her decision to D?

I don't think she needs you to do anything to allow her to justify her decision to D. I think she is just trying to get a feel of playing single. The OW could be applying a little pressure ("You've not done one thing to show you are serious about this split") and this could be an attempt to show that she is doing something proactive.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Sandi.
Like I mentioned, that is why I ask to get that much clearer perspective and ideas. She is totally frustrated still with the kids this summer invading upon her space (got the 3 texts today how they are driving her crazy). I did not respond other than validate.

VERY valid observation on maybe it is her friend/s pushing her along and making her stand by her decision as well.

As I noticed, it is forward progress from her but nothing even close to any type of heavy lifting.

All superficial in MHO.

[sandi2]

I did not respond other than validate.

Have you tried not responding at all, if there is not a direct question in the text?

[Dtrmned]

Sandi. I wish I could just chat with you for hours on end. Your insight is phenomenal. Your 37 rules, a ton of which are very hard, are pure gold. I know everyone here is going through some of the roughest times of their lives. The erosion and ripping apart of their MR and mostly families is heart wrenching to read and experience. I can admit my faults in both what I have done and my shortcomings in my selfishness of sometimes clinging to any shred of hope or positivity when in reality I know nothing other than my W has changed her thought process and her selfish ways are affecting everyone in our home.

Main question this morning. I am being recruited by a company that is very interested and things are progressing quickly. I would expect an offer in the next 2 weeks with a start date of August or September 1. Only issue is that it would require a relocation. The relocation would be to a place that my W would want to return to. Not because of any past friends or relationship, but for a fresh start. Only issue is that it couldn't happen with a physical separation or D as I couldn't afford to finance and support 2 homes and I know for a fact that she cannot afford her own living expenses by herself (I know not my problem, but a reality). So question is, final negotiations and last face to face are next week. IF the offer comes in where I think it will be, I can get my family back on track, get a fresh start for everyone, move to a familiar area though we would know very little people and if W was willing, rebuild our MR through R.

If there would not be an agreement, then it financially just wouldn't work and then there would be the custody issue being a few hours apart, etc. Or we just stay where we are, separate-D or whichever and we end up being stuck in a city that she dislikes. In all the places we have been, my thoughts have always been that home is were my family is, so I am open to almost anything as long as we could remain together and work on rebuilding and happiness.

What do I do. I know I have to wait until the official compensation package to come in prior to speaking to W, but how would this work?

Do I just sit her down and lay the situation out to her and check our options? If she decides not to do this, I have 2 choices. Stay where we are, pass on the opportunity and struggle a little more as we drag on the process, or then push for mediation and D and push for full custody based on the fact that I can provide the best stable home environment and she has no feasible means of income.

I really feel she is in a prison of sorts in her own mind so I don't know how it would go. She hates the city we are in, never has liked it and didn't connect with very many people. She dislikes our current home and with the health issues she feels like it is her prison. Combine that with her thoughts of twisting the facts to her advantage on a horrible abusive unhappy marriage makes for not a pleasant, positive or happy W.

I am not trying to push this as it is kind of coming together but no hard and fast offer yet.

Would I giving her a choice on this of sacrificing her dignity to refocus? I don't want to do that. I also, and she cannot as well, afford 2 households.

If she were to consider and agree to this, I am also concerned on how to document and protect myself so that if we try to R though this fresh start that if she changed her mind in a few weeks or months that I am protected and not set up and be stuck on the financial side.

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEEDBACK!

Other than W complaining about kids again yesterday, a quiet, non confrontational evening. I had ran a little late so there was not a lot of time for chit chat or akward silence.

I would like some more time to DB, 180 and GAL and rebuild myself, but life doesn't always give you that perfect path. It is frought with decisions, peril and sometimes delight.

SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...feedback and suggestions.

[sandi2]

Wow! Thanks for your kind words!

Well, I would tell your W the positives about this new job and relocation. However, I don't think she will go for a reconciliation. That doesn't mean you couldn't work toward that end, once the family moved, but just in approaching her about the opportunity....you might need to be careful that you don't use the reconciliation word or get off into a relationship talk. That may prove to be tricky. If she sees it more in the light of a business agreement (with you and your W) and how it will benefit her, she might agree. I'm not suggesting you withhold anything, just that you don't try to make this a move + reconciliation = package deal. Make sense?

How would you feel about approaching her as if this is a business agreement between the two of you? I know it is not idea, but things could change once everyone moved. Do you believe she would consider it if she didn't think you were pressuring her to reconcile?

Would I giving her a choice on this of sacrificing her dignity to refocus? I don't want to do that. I also, and she cannot as well, afford 2 households.

If you can leave the relationship part out of the agreement and focus on how it will benefit financially, I don't think she will feel she's having to sacrifice her dignity. WW's don't have a lot of dignity, but they have stubborn pride. If she sees it as relocating and maintaining an in-house separation, she might go for it. As much as I dislike in-house S, that might be your best option, if you think you can tolerate it. That would be something you'd need to decide for yourself. Things could get better for the MR, but there are no guarantees.

If she were to consider and agree to this, I am also concerned on how to document and protect myself so that if we try to R though this fresh start that if she changed her mind in a few weeks or months that I am protected and not set up and be stuck on the financial side.

Like I said, I don't think she'll go for a reconciliation with the move, but once there......who knows. she may get a new attitude. You make a valid point about her changing her mind to S again. So, my suggestion is to get legal advice in how to protect yourself going forward. It's a big decision. Financially, had you rather be in two houses where you currently reside or in two houses in the new area (worse case scenario). Would you really have to pay for both houses, just b/c she did not have a job? Wouldn't it be her problem how to support herself? I know you say she is not physically able to work, but does the law actually state that you'd have to pay everything for her? (Some people have to apply for disability assistance). Then again, the law can be very unfair at times. IDK, so that's why I say to get legal advice about the financial end of it.

These are just my opinions. You do what you think is best.