Advice needed...confused

[sandi2]

Since you brought up your first W, I feel the need to ask if you are 100% done with her?

Moving on to your current situation, you said:

So here is where I am. I have been LRT very hard the past couple of weeks

How would you describe the LRT?

Your W said, "I'm not here to work things out". But then she said she was committed to working things out. Do you find that a bit confusing? If so, let me interpret, since it is written in WW language. She is saying she is not staying with you to work on the MR. She is staying b/c she benefits from what is provided through the M. While she plays with Plan A (OM), she'll still have her M benefits, too. If Plan A fizzles out, she'll use backup Plan B (roommates with you). Either way, she is committed to seeing that things work out for her.

1. Be direct with her. Tell her that if she is in love with this other person we both need to move on with our lives. Explain that even though she says she is committed, she isn't.
Tell her that she has become unreliable as a partner and we'll be better off moving forward without each other. I know the ramifications of this approach, as everyone has pointed out it probably will be the nail in the coffin.

And if she lies and denies, what's your next step?

2. Stay the course, let the A fizzle out eventually and keep doing the LRT..then decide if she is at a point of trying to start a new R with me. And I know that this is such a difficult approach and will require a lot of strength, strength I'm not sure I have at this point..i'm feeling somewhat on my heels currently.

And, if she says her feelings for you have not returned, what's your next step?

Which option did you chose with your previous W?

[hiking8]

Hi Sandi2, thank you for responding. I probably didn't make it clear in my first post that my first W is also my current W...we remarried after being divorced for 10 years, and have now been remarried 3.

I'm in a pretty good place now..I won't say that I've thrown in the towel, but she seems dead set on D. At the same time, she is being very nice to me...bringing me coffee in the mornings, picking up dinner, etc. We actually talked a little last night..although I was trying to steer the conversation clear of the R, I wasn't successful. She said that I'm her best friend, she has deep down love for me, but not intimate love..I did not argue nor try to persuade her otherwise. We currently are living in separate bedrooms, and we come and go as we please...roommate situation. I will be leaving for a 13 day trip starting Monday, I'll be across the country from her. She said when I get back from my trip we should try to get the house ready to sell. Ouch.

It's a very strange situation for me..I have thought that there is an A going on, or another person...and I know in the vast majority of cases there is...but I have no proof, and she isn't all obsessed with her phone or anything. She says she has lost herself, and that the alone time helps her. I know, space and patience. But I can't see her being ready to ditch me without having someone in the on-deck circle..which is what happened in our first D.

I'm hoping that through GAL (i've lost about 15 pounds over the past 6 weeks and am fitter that I have been in a long time) and being away for this trip, something will happen that would give us a starting point. I so want to make it work, but I know all I can do is to take care of me for now.

[hiking8]

Hi all...just journaling. I've had moments today of calm, but also of panic. Such a roller coaster. Waking in the middle of he night, frightened..unable to go back to sleep. I know these are common feelings as I've read many stories on here.

Trying very hard to remain strong, to take care of myself and to feel positive about the future. I feel like I am doing a reasonable job of detaching, but know I could do better. My emotions are just so out of whack at the moment. I have not quit, I am not going to quit, I am just trying to work on myself because I have no idea what the outcome will be. But working on yourself is one of the hardest things, isn't it? I'm following Sandi's rules, some days better than others. I'm also thinking of all the mistakes I have made.

Thanks for listening, just having a rough day.

[hongaku]

I know what you mean and am right there with you. Hang in there, brother!

[ovrrnbw]

Find someone to talk to. Expand your support group. Talking helps and sometimes you need someone to listen to you, sometimes it helps just to hear what someone else has going on.

[hiking8]

A little journaling this morning.

I find myself on the roller coaster again. Last night was decent, she stayed with a family member..which is the norm now for much of the time if our 16S is out with his friends. I'm doing things to keep busy, trying to keep my mind off things. As I was sitting there watching tv, I began to feel things loosen a bit, as if I knew one way or another things would be ok. But this morning, I'm mentally backsliding, dreading much of the pain that selling the house and going through the logistics will bring. It's such a strange thing to have her doing things like folding my laundry, bringing me coffee, etc. and then hear that she doesn't want to be with me anymore...I know, I know..there is no making sense of it. I'm trying to be strong today..hoping and praying for strength. Although W wants to go ahead and start getting the house ready to sell when I get back from my two week trip, we live in a state where there is a 90 day waiting period if children are involved. My assumption is that she wants to go ahead and physically separate during the 90 days. Sigh. Apologies, just sad this morning.

[ovrrnbw]

You can tell her to stop bringing you stuff and that it's hurtful. It's NGS to let her keep doing things that hurt and avoiding the conflict.

Maybe get off the couch and get your mind off things next chance you get?

[hiking8]

Thanks Overrnbw...trying..just struggling a bit today. I know EVERYONE says the same things on here..but just 4 weeks ago we were on vacation together..having a wonderful time.....wow...

[ovrrnbw]

She didn't just come to the conclusion of starting an affair or betraying you overnight. Likely it had been in her head for much longer than 4 weeks ago.

[Tofbrks]

She's trying to show you the real "her"... she tried the first go round but I guess it didn't sink in. She's monkey-branching again after the honeymoon period is over... I'm guessing this would have happened earlier in first marriage if not for bump in emotion for kid(s)? It seems as though she's looking for someone to make her happy rather than being responsible for it herself.