Jim and KML, thanks for your thoughts. This is such a sensitive topic for me. I should point out again that I'm talking about not having gone out at night but I've gone out during the day and early evening. I've done the sharing thing during the day but at night it's hard for someone else to singlehandedly put your toddler and their toddler to sleep. I also moved here where I have friends but they either work full-time or they have their own kids. They can help during the day but again, night time is harder. Yes in NYC, where I lived, $20 is the norm and some babysitters even want $25 per hour. Then even when we moved, which was to another expensive area, my own neighbor wanted $20 per hour and the sitters I found on care.com wanted the same. I found a high school student from my church who'd watch my daughter for $10 per hour so I used her every week but I never went far away because she had no experience with kids whatsoever. I know there are plenty of babysitters out there, but to keep trying new ones until you find the best one takes a long time....anyway I found the whole childcare issue to be complicated. I'm morally against paying some $20 per hour to text their friends while your kid sits in front of the TV or sleeps. They'd have to be spectacular in my view to get $20 per hour. I'd rather not go out than to pay someone that amount plus tip.
Jim yes those are a lot of excuses but I'm fed up with the role my husband has played with our daughter. I feel like I've tried many times over the past four years to get my husband involved and it hasn't worked. His excuses aren't even good ones - "Men from my country don't take care of children." "I never wanted her or asked to have her." "I have to write my notes / go back to work / go to check the house, go to the gym, etc.." How do you force someone to take a child they don't want, and how fair is that to a child to be with someone who doesn't want them?
If my husband takes her and she doesn't sleep that will mess up her schedule for a whole week after that and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of getting her back-on-schedule. I can't in good faith let my daughter eat at their house. My father-in-law puts raw chicken and lamb directly on the kitchen counter to trim the fat and puts the meat on the bottom of the sink to rinse it. There's blood from meat and fat trimmings visible and then they put fruit and vegetables on the same surface to cut them as well. They have no concept of hygiene. They came from a country where there's no such thing as anti-bacterial wipes. Their toilets are a hole in the ground. So the way they live is simply disgusting to the average Westerner although normal for them. I just don't feel comfortable sending my daughter there.
I know I'm just making more excuses which is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve but I don't feel strongly enough at this time to demand the overnight visits under these circumstances. I guess I'd have to really want it and I just don't.
It's possible that my attention towards my daughter was one of several factors that pushed my husband away, although since he was unwilling to help with her I don't see what alternative I had. She'd scream at night and my husband wasn't willing to help, so under extreme sleep deprivation she started sleeping with me. During the day I couldn't really ignore her and my husband wouldn't care for her, so I had to do it. I did get an Au Pair for a while but I found out soon after she arrived that she lied on her application about her experience with kids just to come to the US. That's a whole other story.
I don't know. I have endless excuses but at the end-of-the-day I'm responsible for my daughter's safety and welfare. I'm working on getting a sitter to go to the local divorce care group and I'm hoping that'll work out, but for now I've accepted my role as a mother and I'm truly happy and honored to raise my daughter. She goes to school and waves goodbye with a smile and her teachers say she does great, so I know she's gaining independence and I want her to gain more. This week she's in a summer camp for six hours per day and the most she's done in the past at preschool is four, so she's progressing.
This is a totally different life than the one I imagined when my husband and I decided to have a child. It's not at all what I wanted. Each innocent child deserves the best and I'm trying my best, but I guess with the range of parenting strategies out there someone will always see things differently.
