Husband gone for second time - 4

[Jim1234]

Jim, thanks for your suggestion. I'd love to do try to the overnight visits but they aren't practical at this time. When my husband comes from out-of-state he stays with his family. There are four of them crammed into a small apartment all sleeping together and the apartment isn't even remotely clean, not to mention they all stay awake until 1:00 or 2:00 AM every night and sleep late the next day. My husband has never cared for our daughter, much less any child, at night and hasn't expressed any interest in doing so. He has no tolerance when our daughter cries and leaves the house or closes the door so I can calm her down. My daughter's also never slept away from me before and I anticipate it would be a disaster to send her to my husband's family's place even if he was willing. It's an hour away so I imagine him driving her back here screaming at 3:00 AM and then not coming again for months due to the trauma. At this time I don't see it as an option but it'd be great if I could do that. I've never even seen a movie or gone out with friends in the evening in the four years since our daughter was born. She's always been with me and even sleeps in the same bed as me. I write all that just because there are some solutions that make so much sense, like this one, but I don't know how to work around these barriers to ensure it'd be a success. Maybe when my husband moves up to this city in a year (if ever) and has his own place he can try to host her. By that time she'll be five and hopefully more independent.

Nicole, I'm sorry about the 2X4, but the entire paragraph you've written is one giant excuse. He bears half the responsibility for your daughter. You DON'T bear it ALL. Your daughter won't be broken or traumatized because she isn't sleeping in the same bed as you one night and gets to stay up late with her aunt and uncle and daddy on occasion, and if he has to deal with her screaming at 3am for an hour, so what? He won't come back? Small loss. She screams for an hour at 3am? So what. She'll get over it. It will be harder for you to let her go than it will be for her to go with daddy to visit family. You need to SELL it rather than let YOUR insecurities about the situation show.

And note the highlighted text above. This is precisely the reason you have to get a babysitter, or have H watch your daughter. Others have responded, and I'm not going to quote them, but they are exactly right. There are other options for babysitters. And I'm sorry, $20 per hour is crazy. You can find cheaper alternatives that are just as good. Didn't you say you moved to this city because you have friends/family around? Use them. You don't need to go on a date. Just go for a drink with a girlfriend or family member, or go to a movie you want to see by yourself. YOU HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME TIME TO YOURSELF. Your daughter will be better off if you do because you will be be healthier and happier.

And unless you plan to go off to college with your daughter, you need to allow her a measure of independence. You are not doing her any favors by being with her ALL the time. Don't mistake YOU FEELING YOU NEED TO ALWAYS BE THERE WITH HER with HER NEEDING YOU THERE ALL THE TIME. They are not the same, and moreover, she NEEDS TO BE AWAY FROM YOU SOMETIMES, and YOU NEED TO BE AWAY FROM HER SOMETIMES.

I hope I haven't overstepped, but something else that strikes me is the effect all this may have had on your marriage. Maybe part of the reason H left is you allow D to take up all of your attention and energy, and you had no time, energy or attention left for your H or marriage. The first counsellor we went to told my W that she needed to save some time and energy for her husband and marriage. She said "no, my kids need all that, and he'll just have to suck it up and deal with it." Well, fast forward 10 years, and our marriage has deteriorated to the point of divorce. How much good did showering all that attention on the kids do over the long term? They are both very distressed over the divorce, suffering pretty severe consequences. In hindsight, they would have been FAR better of with less attention then, and an intact family now.