Actually I'm pretty certain it was to see the OM. But I have moved on and will only raise it with her if/when I want to help make the case that she should move out when we do eventually have the R discussion.
And you certainly could be right. But regardless, you know she's having an A so that wouldn't exactly be a newsflash anyway.
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Thanks AnotherStander. I am duly back from the ledge. Another bad day yesterday, and more in control again today. Although Doodler and Vanilla seem to favor the 'kick her out' approach
Well we are all about trying to help people save M's here, that is the point of these forums. Sometimes you have to let go of your M now for a chance at saving it later though. But I've got to say I went back and read your first post and I really don't think your W is wayward. Your M went on autopilot and you were functioning more like roommates and business partners than H and W. You are both to blame for that. She finally went elsewhere to find what she was missing in the M, and shame on her, that is the wrong thing to do. But, I don't see her as some girls-gone-wild wayward that you should be kicking out. I see her as a WAS that you should be giving time and space while working on yourself. If SHE decides to leave then let her, but I most definitely would not recommend kicking her out.
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I will continue with my 180, LRT, GAL etc, and stay patient. Yep - it's a marathon not a sprint, I get that. Just hard to see that in the day to day.
Yes good, that is the perfect approach. And no it's not easy, especially early on.
But regardless, you know she's having an A so that wouldn't exactly be a newsflash anyway.
That's right, I do know of course, but what really wound me up was the fact that she makes arrangements to see him (a) when I'm out for the day being a good Dad taking our son to explore options for his future, (b) on our son's birthday, like somehow that's an irrelevance to her, and then (c) I'm the one that ends up washing the spoils of her encounter like I'm some kind of supportive cuckold. As we would say here, she was taking the p1ss and it made me mad.
Anyway, just clarifying the reason for my original outrage. But as I say, I have moved on. Honest! Good days and bad days..
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Your M went on autopilot and you were functioning more like roommates and business partners than H and W. You are both to blame for that. She finally went elsewhere to find what she was missing in the M, and shame on her, that is the wrong thing to do.
Yes, you're absolutely right. We were on autopilot, and that was due to poor communication on both sides. But I've thought about this a lot over the last weeks, and if she really has been feeling disconnected from me for a very long time, as has basically been acting the part of my W for many years, being male and failing to read any of the signs, I am pretty sure my behaviour simply responded to what I saw from her. She withdrew more and more, stopped being affectionate, I stopped trying to be, and it just spiralled downwards from there.
You're right, she is WAS not WW or GGW, but what is frustrating is that had she raised this sooner (more blatantly than just with female signs) we would at least have had the chance to try to work on things inside the marriage. She says the reason she didn't raise it sooner was because she knew it would be the end of us - but she took these decisions about the marriage without me, and then as you say, got what she was missing elsewhere. And now we are where we are - I'm in a whole load of pain, feeling betrayed, lied to, humiliated, punctured self-esteem, wondering if I can trust again etc having had the worst 6-9 months of my life, and have had no choice in the matter. I know that's often the way, but still very frustrating to know it could have been avoided.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read through my posts and share your thoughts and advice. It does all help, and it's good to know there's support out there. I really appreciate it.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
If there is an OM and wayward behaviour and no formal S then she is wayward.
Doesn't matter if once upon a time she wasn't. She is now.
Frankly until there is a formal S it's an OP.
It's an affair and not a bf.
I have a complete distaste for cheating scumbag behaviour and knickers off stuff. Knickers don't accidentally fall off, ooooops I dropped them and an OM fell in. It's a choice.
Most walkaways (Not yet heard of one who has) don't have a bf whilst living with their spouse.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes, you're absolutely right. We were on autopilot, and that was due to poor communication on both sides. But I've thought about this a lot over the last weeks, and if she really has been feeling disconnected from me for a very long time, as has basically been acting the part of my W for many years, being male and failing to read any of the signs, I am pretty sure my behaviour simply responded to what I saw from her. She withdrew more and more, stopped being affectionate, I stopped trying to be, and it just spiralled downwards from there.
Yeah, this may be the biggest mystery to all of us here, why didn't our WAS just SAY something. A WAS will of course say they DID, that they "tried" for months or years to get our attention. Sorry but I don't buy it, it's BS. If they tried 1/100 as hard to get our attention as they did to get OM's attention, then we would have known something was up. But instead they suffer in silence and convince themselves their silence is something we should see, understand, interpret and respond to. WE'RE NOT FREAKIN' MINDREADERS. Anyway I totally understand where you are coming from. We all come here confused, upset and stunned. We want answers and explanations and there are none to be had.
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but what is frustrating is that had she raised this sooner (more blatantly than just with female signs) we would at least have had the chance to try to work on things inside the marriage.
Yes Michele talks about this in DB, that after BD we well and truly are listening and ready to change. Except by the time we get BD'd the WAS has completely given up all hope and decided we will never change, so our changes are to an unreceptive audience. Why don't they BD BEFORE they are done? A question for the ages.
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I'm in a whole load of pain, feeling betrayed, lied to, humiliated, punctured self-esteem, wondering if I can trust again etc having had the worst 6-9 months of my life, and have had no choice in the matter.
First I'm very sorry you're hurting, having been through it myself your words really ring true and bring up unpleasant memories. But take it from me, this is temporary. You will emerge better, stronger, more independent. I was as desperate and needy as any LBS here and thought I would die from the pain and loneliness. Not only did I lose my W full time and kids for half the time, but not too long after BD one of the kids went off to college and was gone 99% of the time, and then another not too long after. But now a few years later I am enjoying life like I haven't in probably 15 years. I'm strong, independent, often alone but never lonely. I have a lot of friends unlike when I was married. I have so many hobbies and activities that my biggest complaint is I don't have enough time for them all. I don't look back on BD, S and D negatively, now I see it as a chapter in my life that was closing and another opening. When I look back I think my number one fear wasn't losing my W, it was fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me, how can I do life alone. I had spent most of my adult life with my ex and had unknowingly become so dependent on her that losing her left me feeling scared and helpless. But shame on ME for getting to that point. Never again, I am in another R but I don't depend on my GF for anything! I "want" her but I don't "need" her. There is a huge difference.
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Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read through my posts and share your thoughts and advice. It does all help, and it's good to know there's support out there. I really appreciate it.
Absolutely, happy to help! I wish I could be on here more but I kind of post a flurry of stuff and then disappear for days or more due to work and stuff. I will try to keep tabs though!
You were about to drop off the page so I had to come back and bounce you to the top by giving you a couple more tasks.
First, you have to set the stage for creating some confusion about your identity in your wife's mind. This task has two parts. Part one is to get a hard copy of Caitlin Jenner's new book. Specifically the new book, not any of Bruce's old books. You don't actually have to read the book. (Who'd want to read about a stud that gets his wanker removed?) You just set the book out someplace prominent and you can occasionally pretend to read the book if you'd like. Part two is to shave your legs. Just shave your legs, that's all you have to do.
Second, sometime in the next few days, mention to your wife that her lips are looking thin. Then, ask her if she's considered Botox.
That's two simple tasks. They may not help save your marriage, but you might as well have some fun. Know what I mean? We'll get into the cross dressing soon enough.
Thanks Doodler. The bounce was just what I needed.
And the extra tasks are great. Luckily I've already got Caitlin Jenner's book, so will dig it out and keep it somewhere prominent. Maybe in my W's underwear drawer where she's sure to see it. Leg shaving on the otherhand... you've got to be joking. Who do you think I am? I don't want her back that much...
Loving the botox line though. Will use that tomorrow.
Your're the man Doodler. Keep 'em coming...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
On a [slightly] more serious note, still nothing to report on the R conversation front. We were both at home all day today - working in our own home offices, happily not talking. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I know she has decided what she'd like to do so really not sure what she is waiting for but I will stick with the silence, detachment, LRT and keep on being patient.
We then had D12's parents evening at school. More pretending to be happy families in a public setting. D12 is much loved by teachers, so all good there. Was very proud of her, and made me realize (if I didn't know it already) it's the kids who will keep me sane, level headed and motivated to be the best 40free I can. No matter what happens with WAW.
Tomorrow W and I are both out during the morning. W is looking at properties according to my intel. And then the kids are back in the afternoon, so there won't be any R discussion. Mark another day off.
Maybe it'll be Thursday...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Leg shaving on the otherhand... you've got to be joking.
40free,
I never joke. You've just got to take action. Knowing will come later. You might as well clean up those armpits while you're at it. For now, just consider it a 180.
You see, I grew up with two sisters. I know what I'm doing. My oldest sister was a little weight obsessed; sometimes she wouldn't eat much when we were having supper. My mom would talk to her and calm her down and let her know that she wasn't fat (she truly wasn't fat). After that, little doodler would say to his sister, "Hey fatty, can you pass the salt?" Everything my mother had done was totally blown out of the water. That anecdote is an example of the mindset you need to have.
You need to anticipate situations that will arise with your wife. For example, if she says , "I feel so fat today," then you respond with "You're not fat you just look fat." You have to remain on top of the situation otherwise she might start thinking that you want to have her around.
