Advice on my Scenario Pt. 15-Lighthouse Guardsman

[OrangeK]

I know i said i was done posting. I need to get this last thing off my chest.

How can i stop the cycle? Everytime I get to a good spot where i am confident in the following facts, and moving towards better healing, i cycle back and start getting depressed again.

1.) Our relationship was rife with lies from Day 1. It was never what i thought it was.
2.) Why would i even want someone who would do all these awful things to me?
3.) Why would i want someone who put her own needs before her sons?
4.) why would i want a cheater?
5.) I deserve better
6.) She doesnt deserve me
7.) She knew what was going to happen before we even got married.
8.) She lies to everyone around her, family, friends, colleges.
9.) she is Broken, damaged, and is going to change.
10.) SHE IS DONE. SHE LEFT. SHE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE.

Why, if i know these things, do i always circle back to the following?

1.) Could i have saved it?
2.) She is sick and needs my help.
3.) She must still have SOME feelings about me.
4.) She isnt aware of her cycles and habits.
5.) She isnt happy, she is misreable, and self destructive. Its not her fault.
6.) Surely all we shared couldnt be fake?
7.) What if OM is really her one and only, and they are together forever? (i know if i truly love her, i should prefer to see her happy, but this is a solid FEAR i have. That OM will replace me forever, i know this to be unlikely, but it scares the hell out of me)
8.) I miss my wife, even if it was false.
9.) I wasnt truly happy in MR, but i was a hell of alot happier then, in ignorant abuse, than i am now.
10.) Why wont it stop hurting?
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This cycle seems to amplify after talking with WW about anything, even if the interaction goes well.
I Shot myself in the foot trying to be amicable, i need to stick to the dark safety of my lighthouse.

Why do i keep doing this to myself?
Why am i stagnant?
Im not making progress, internally.