Knowing how close female friends talk about everything, her new friend could be causing her to be a bit paranoid that you are going to scr@w her in the D. So, the least change in anything is scrutinized.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you all for the input. I see things seem to be working and am just having difficulty holding back and letting her realize within her own mind the direction she is wanting to go.
It is difficult for me to restrain, I am attempting to do better.
Good thing is I am out of town for work today until tomorrow evening so there is definitely time/space away from each other although briefly.
Being that I am out of town this is a brief response.
Thank you all for everything. Keeping me focused on my path and knowing it is not a quick fix, but rather a journey to a better place for me. IF the opportunity to re-establish and connect with my W towards a better MR all the better.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, women discuss things with their friends in detail and remember your W may be feeling like a trapped animal who wants out but is worried that it might hurt her financially so she will threaten you with L talks. Enjoy your time away, a change in scenery will help a tad bit so make the most of it.
@AnotherStander, reading your responses to JS's convo with W gave me a lot of feedback as well, thank you.
Thank you all for the input. I see things seem to be working and am just having difficulty holding back and letting her realize within her own mind the direction she is wanting to go.
It is difficult for me to restrain, I am attempting to do better.
Good thing is I am out of town for work today until tomorrow evening so there is definitely time/space away from each other although briefly.
Being that I am out of town this is a brief response.
Thank you all for everything. Keeping me focused on my path and knowing it is not a quick fix, but rather a journey to a better place for me. IF the opportunity to re-establish and connect with my W towards a better MR all the better.
It sounds to me like you figured out a good way to deal with something that is hard for you. Remove yourself for a situation, breathe, calm down, and think logically or talk to someone else first.
Then act.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Busy busy busy and only communicated with W on when I called to speak with the kids. It was brief, polite and pleasant.
Didn't have time to get my usual workouts in due to work, but will get a good run in when I get home this evening. Being apart does help in not keeping the situation right in your face 24/7. I can also see being apart as being all consuming some times as you have no idea of anything.
Thank you all for the input and FWIW I am going to do my best to be way more brief in my responses and quit throwing up when we talk. Listen, Validate and finish it asap.
With my background this is very difficult, but I've done difficult before and I will be fine.
Waiting on W to schedule the mediation appointment. She was wanting to due it on Friday of this week, but she has not scheduled it yet. I told her that day would work (this was over the weekend), I just wanted to make sure that we both had enough time to get the pre-paperwork requests done in time. I believe THIS will be a huge hurdle for her as that means she has to do work.
Overall a good trip. Positive with regard to my career. That and my kids are all that I have right now. Still db'ing and would love to get our MR 2.0 started, but I have been warned and am learning that even though there has been a little progress, there are no guarantees and there are definitely no QUICK fixes.
Sandi, I do believe you are right with regard to her friend. AND my W WANTS to believe that I am a bad, angry, evil man so she can justify her decision. I am not that way. I was angry for a couple of years due to the financial loss of everything and I admit and own that. I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't be angry at my new job, so I ended up just being angry at home. There was never any physical abuse and I guess the argument could be made that because I was angry and short fused that there was emotional abuse, but I was more angry at everything and was reaching and fighting to save my family (the only thing that was important to me at the time) so I reached and grabbed too hard and when my W curled in a corner and withdrew, I tried harder. A bad, bad mix for all of us.
Again, I own this. I have never (and I don't with this on anyone) been through a situation like that ever in my life. I was correct in standing up for what was right. Lost EVERYTHING we had worked for during our entire lives, the business, our savings and our home. YES, I was angry and the litigation, bankruptcy and foreclosure lasted almost 3 years. We are out now, I am back on my feet. Nowhere near where we used to be, but paying the bills and a good future ahead.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, I like that attitude. That's 90% of this right there. Keep up there good work. My prediction is that she will give up on the D before she ever scheduled meditation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hoping, praying and faith that from your keyboard to God's ear!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, I only get positive reactions reading your updates. Your WW is just too confused, if she wanted a mediation appointment she would have set one up. It goes to show the turmoil in her mind. You be as you are, it seems to be working out so far. Even if she freaks out and sets up a mediation appointment just take it in stride. Remember mediation is a choice, you are going there to show her you understand that she is miserable and wants out although you have made sure she knows you dont feel the same. You are not supporting her at the same time you are not in her way. If the mediation does not go in your way you walk out, again a choice. Seems like you suddenly have options here, to DBing all the way!
Arsh, Thank you. I know you are struggling as well, so I really appreciate the time in you following and giving feedback. I believe I have said this before, but having a support group that has gone or is going through a the same issues helps greatly. Sometimes it is the thing that gets me through the day, keeps me focused. I have and still am learning so much on here about MR's and mostly about myself. I realize that I did lose my identity for a long time after we had our kids and my W plunged into the major health issues. I just became a husband, caregiver and father. I am not a saint nor a martyr. But, I did lose who I was for a long time as I did what I had to do to make sure everyone else was taken care of. I have made many mistakes along the way and much I would change. All I can change now is what I do from this moment forward.
I do see some positives in what is happening but am being very cautious as to not jump the gun and push everything back to square 1 or further back.
I am very thankful for just the day and a half of almost forced detachment. My head is clearer. Still concerned about going home today, but my head will be right when I get there.
Again, keep your head high and I wish you the best in your issues as well.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Got home yesterday late afternoon and got a decent run in.
W was a little cold and distant. She made sure not to say hello when I came in. I kissed my D and told my W hello.
It has been a nice break, but I feel like I did last week now. A couple of days of peace and my W either needs to pick a fight or find some way to try to justify her agenda and D. Me. I am a rock and a lighthouse. Even though I am still struggling every moment to keep everything together. Woke up fairly early this morning and just stared at the ceiling and I realize more and more every day that I just miss my wife and my friend. I hate that this is happening. I see it in my kids, even though they are generally happy and enjoying their summer, they are still fairly tense at times.
So I am just struggling with the sadness, darkness and mostly just down all morning. Maybe it was just being gone, relaxing for a moment, and then getting back and reality rushes and floods back into the heart and the mind.
I need to focus on my kids a little more as well. Even though it was just for one evening or some reason, I really missed them.
I'm going to try to "act as if" the next couple of days (one day at a time) and act as if nothing bad is going to happen and put it out of my mind. It may just be my expectations on past behavior.
First, I just have to make it through the work day.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
