We have had some huge life events recently: celebrated 9 year anniversary where she wrote me the most heartwarming letter ever,she started a new highly successful job, we sold our house, we were building our dream home and we were trying to have a baby. Then 4 weeks ago she returned from a business trip on Friday and on sat she approached me with a panicked look, said we need to talk, and she wants a D. I was completely shocked, she had shown no signs of unhappiness, no signs of withdrawal, our sex life was amazing, everyone close to us said that we were the last people that they thought would ever divorce and her closest friends said she had never once mentioned she was unhappy!
Unfortunately this does happen a lot. My sitch wasn't a lot different, everything seemed to be going well, people were very jealous of our "perfect" M, W made reassuring comments right up until BD which seemingly came out of nowhere. My W was always very much a pleaser which was probably a large part of the problem. She kept negative things bottled up deep inside for fear of upsetting others. She went out of her way to care for others with little consideration for taking care of herself. For her, BD was more of an awakening to herself that she needed to make changes in her life. Unfortunately she didn't understand that she could make those changes while still being married, she thought she had to make a clean break across the board and basically start over again.
Your W may very well be going through something similar, and she sees a shiny new life with OM as the answer. I will say that your W is far less likely to succeed than my ex was because she's looking for answers externally instead of internally. She's heading for a complete disaster. OM is married and she is married. Their R was built on dishonesty, disloyalty and selfishness. There is very little if any chance that it will succeed. And if it crashes and burns she may very well come crawling back trying to patch things up with you while having done NONE of the work she needs to in order to get past whatever it is she is going through. So just be warned right now, if she tries to recon DO NOT welcome her back with open arms. She has got to understand that there is a lot of hard work she is going to need to do first.
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Yeah. I m thoroughly confused now. My DB coach said to open up communication and send the letter of release because of 2 reasons. 1. Lack of communication was the reason we are in this spot because my W couldn t communicate her issues so he wanted me to work on my listening and communicating skills to take down the angry wall, resentment that she had built up. It seems to be working cuz she is much more open and caring. 2. The letter of release wasnt pouring my heart out it was showing empathy for her because she had a lot of built up shame and guilt over the affair.
I don't think I've ever heard this term "letter of release" before, interesting. I'm not sure how a letter helps with your first point because "communication" in DB'ing terms is she talks and you listen and validate. A letter is really all about you talking, but I can understand how it might help with your second point.
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I feel like I m doing the right things of which I can control but in the end my W has to deal with her internal issues and want to come back.
Wow, Sandi...You really hit the nail on the head..My W contacted me needing to meet to discuss her purchasing a new car cuz her car was in my name so we met for a drink..We were having great discussions, laughing and shared some good reminiscing memories...I made sure to follow the rules of being a good listener (eye contact, positive body language, acknowledgement, acknowledgement, acknowledgement) and definitely not bring up the relationship..She, to my surprise did open up to discuss our relationship with lots of emotion and tears..She said she was going to counseling, which she was very against in the past..She is realizing that she was always focused on pleasing and taking care of everyone around her and ,like me, was trying to keep up this Perfect Marriage expectation...She owned up and admitted that she didn't communicate her issues to me or anyone else around her and that was her fault and on her..I continued to listen and empathized with her and fought the urge to try and fix it and say we could work through it..I was proud of myself for this because it was difficult to see her in pain! She continued and said we had mostly unbelievable experiences and some bad ones...I asked her to help me understand the bad experiences because in my mind, we didn't have many awful memories..She thought for a moment and it was the having a kid issue...Some background, about 5 years into our marriage she really became interested in having a kid but I now realize that I was scared to death of being a father like my father..So we agreed to getting a dog first, then we bought a house, then vacations...Finally, last Spring I was ready to commit to having a child so we begin trying in October...She was so happy and excited and our already good sex life became great..I too was preparing and excited to become a father but for some reason I kept up the dumb macho fascade of kids were the end of our life, blah,blah, blah, which REALLY bothered her but she didn't communicate that to me and I didn't communicate my TRUE FEELINGS of excitement...This caused her to believe that I really didn't want a child and was just appeasing her..She always had a deep fear that I would leave her if we had a child and I always tried to ease her concerns that I promised my life to her...This was the only time I allowed myself to cry, when I was telling her my true feelings of looking forward to being a father...I always prided myself on being completely honest with her and following through on my promises and asked her if I ever promised her anything that I didn't follow through on with my heart and actions..She agreed no and I think realized a little bit that I truly was all-in..This was really insightful because when she DB she couldn't give me any reasoning.. She continued that she is using this time as a Personal awakening of who she is and is doing some traveling alone,etc to discover herself...It was very mature of her to come to this decision because she always just distracted herself from any issues and I emphathised that I was very proud of her for facing the tough task of looking inside yourself...I know that I can't help her fix this and this is an internal struggle that she has to do on her own...Yet, as I wake up another morning with this hole in my chest longing to spend more time and more experiences with her, it still hurts so much but I gotta keep doing what I'm doing...I gotta remember that 8 days ago, she was cold, angry, and a freight train and now some of that beautiful person is beginning to shine..Baby Steps, Baby Steps.. We always joked that we should write a relationship book and she said "after the last 5 weeks we've become experts on the subject and the very lease sounding boards for each other in the future"..I positively asserted "I will always see you as my wife and I couldn't view myself as anything other than your husband. We've been too intimate and shared too many experiences to be anything else" I wanted to be clear that I communicated this expectation with her and she agreed...At the end, we shared a hug and she said "it was great to see you and I will always care about you", I held back and just said good-bye All in all, it was a very positive interaction but it is difficult for me when I want R so bad, but I understand that I have to be PATIENT and allow TIME for her to find her way..
Thanks again for your thoughts and input, I really looking forward to your insights because it helps me to feel that I'm not alone
Thanks guys for the encouragement...Looking for some advice today..I've worked really hard at reopening communication and focused on my listening skills..She's been contacting me on an almost daily basis due to her purchasing a new car and in process of buying a house in town so I've been able to keep up the positive dialogue... My question now is since that is over do I go back to detachment and wait for her to contact me, which is what I've been doing the entire time or do I pursue a little bit to keep that communication open..My initial thought is to continue to detach and continue to GAL..Also does GAL, ever get fun or is it something that I do to get my mind off of W...I just really miss us.. Also, could someone please help me with goal setting??I want to keep looking for positive baby steps because when a day comes that she doesn't contact me, it really affects me..I'd appreciate any ideas on goals?
I am no expert, but it seems like what you are doing is working, so why change it? It seems like pursuing at this point might just push her away again. If she is contacting you a lot that is a great sign, but let her continue it.
GALing should be both in my opinion. At the outset it might just be a distraction from the anxiety and thoughts about the R, but as it goes on it is how you build your new life. If you arent really building a new life then how are you changing, how are you going to get into a better place to restart the R (or start a new one)? It is normal to have the thoughts of missing the W and the MR. I get them every single day. Sit with them, feel them, acknowledge them, name them... and then find a way to move on from them.
Goal setting should be all about finding the small steps to becoming the person you want to be. It's very personal. For me, I focus on exercise goals, self-education goals (IC, self-help reading, meditation, CBT exercises), social goals (GALing stuff), and family goals (not R related, but focusing on my parents/brother). But they need to be action oriented and small enough that they are doable and trackable. I track how often I do yoga, how often i get out on my bike, etc...
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Call me weird, but it seems to me that this whole "I don't want kids because I am afraid of being like my father" thing should have come up prior to getting married.
Were there any other big hangups in the MR that were things that should have been discussed while dating?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No pursuit. Stick with the DBing. Detachment, GAL, all of it. Stick with the 37 rules. Did you get the email newsletter from Michele recently that outlined 9 strategies that do not require participation from your spouse to implement?
Use these things to reinforce your mindset. Read over them everyday. And yes, as Davide said, at first GAL is a lot of faking it and going through motions and trying to distract yourself. But, it does get easier to let yourself go and start having a little fun. Build on it!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Yeah, I agree..The three years prior to marriage and 3 years of marriage we never discussed kids than when her best friend had one she started to get the inkling to have one...We always figured that we had each other and we would solve life's questions as they arise...I knew that I was afraid of the responsibility of kids but it wasn't until recently that my therapist helped me understand why I was so hesitant...
