Yes, you're absolutely right. We were on autopilot, and that was due to poor communication on both sides. But I've thought about this a lot over the last weeks, and if she really has been feeling disconnected from me for a very long time, as has basically been acting the part of my W for many years, being male and failing to read any of the signs, I am pretty sure my behaviour simply responded to what I saw from her. She withdrew more and more, stopped being affectionate, I stopped trying to be, and it just spiralled downwards from there.
Yeah, this may be the biggest mystery to all of us here, why didn't our WAS just SAY something. A WAS will of course say they DID, that they "tried" for months or years to get our attention. Sorry but I don't buy it, it's BS. If they tried 1/100 as hard to get our attention as they did to get OM's attention, then we would have known something was up. But instead they suffer in silence and convince themselves their silence is something we should see, understand, interpret and respond to. WE'RE NOT FREAKIN' MINDREADERS. Anyway I totally understand where you are coming from. We all come here confused, upset and stunned. We want answers and explanations and there are none to be had.
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but what is frustrating is that had she raised this sooner (more blatantly than just with female signs) we would at least have had the chance to try to work on things inside the marriage.
Yes Michele talks about this in DB, that after BD we well and truly are listening and ready to change. Except by the time we get BD'd the WAS has completely given up all hope and decided we will never change, so our changes are to an unreceptive audience. Why don't they BD BEFORE they are done? A question for the ages.
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I'm in a whole load of pain, feeling betrayed, lied to, humiliated, punctured self-esteem, wondering if I can trust again etc having had the worst 6-9 months of my life, and have had no choice in the matter.
First I'm very sorry you're hurting, having been through it myself your words really ring true and bring up unpleasant memories. But take it from me, this is temporary. You will emerge better, stronger, more independent. I was as desperate and needy as any LBS here and thought I would die from the pain and loneliness. Not only did I lose my W full time and kids for half the time, but not too long after BD one of the kids went off to college and was gone 99% of the time, and then another not too long after. But now a few years later I am enjoying life like I haven't in probably 15 years. I'm strong, independent, often alone but never lonely. I have a lot of friends unlike when I was married. I have so many hobbies and activities that my biggest complaint is I don't have enough time for them all. I don't look back on BD, S and D negatively, now I see it as a chapter in my life that was closing and another opening. When I look back I think my number one fear wasn't losing my W, it was fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me, how can I do life alone. I had spent most of my adult life with my ex and had unknowingly become so dependent on her that losing her left me feeling scared and helpless. But shame on ME for getting to that point. Never again, I am in another R but I don't depend on my GF for anything! I "want" her but I don't "need" her. There is a huge difference.
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Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read through my posts and share your thoughts and advice. It does all help, and it's good to know there's support out there. I really appreciate it.
Absolutely, happy to help! I wish I could be on here more but I kind of post a flurry of stuff and then disappear for days or more due to work and stuff. I will try to keep tabs though!
