Wave incoming.....The pain, the injustice, the WASTE AND DISAPPOINTMENT. What a freakin' shame.
Why wasnt i enough? How could she got from White to Black in her view of me overnight.....? She said i was the best thing that ever happened to her, that she loved me more than anything in the world. Then was cheating 3 weeks after our wedding, the picture perfect wedding she planned for over a year, and by this past March, her dress was crumpled in a puddle in a storage unit, along with every other sentimental item we owned.
How can someone do that? How can she be so blind, callous and cold?
Its like her soul died a long time ago, and i was just a temporary salve for her pain. I think she is always lonely, always sad, always hating herself and her choices, but she continues to make the same mistakes, cause the same pains, repeat the same behaviors.....
I never wanted any of this. I just wanted my family, forever. I wanted what i signed up for, She just tore my whole life away without a backward glance.
All we built, went through together, and planned together, gone in a flash, no remorse, no regret, not a tear shed.
WTF. She really is a cold and hurtful person. How did i ever see such radiance and beauty??? What an actress.
Still cant shake this thought that everything will be perfect and golden for her an OM forever. that would destroy me....
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Taking a long lunch to decompress and re-energize. Sorry to get all glum, but i needed to bent through the wave.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I know we have talked a lot about how i interact with WW.
What else should i be doing that may not have been discussed? How else can a assert my focus on GAL and 180'S?
I hate to admit it, but i still want those efforts to be noticed by WW, without parading them around, which admittedly feels like weakness to me. I shouldn't want her to notice anything or care what she thinks after all shes done..
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P.S. - Done with the rapid posts for today. I will read and absorb any replies but wont respond till tonight when i am home.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I know i said i was done posting. I need to get this last thing off my chest.
How can i stop the cycle? Everytime I get to a good spot where i am confident in the following facts, and moving towards better healing, i cycle back and start getting depressed again.
1.) Our relationship was rife with lies from Day 1. It was never what i thought it was. 2.) Why would i even want someone who would do all these awful things to me? 3.) Why would i want someone who put her own needs before her sons? 4.) why would i want a cheater? 5.) I deserve better 6.) She doesnt deserve me 7.) She knew what was going to happen before we even got married. 8.) She lies to everyone around her, family, friends, colleges. 9.) she is Broken, damaged, and is going to change. 10.) SHE IS DONE. SHE LEFT. SHE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE.
Why, if i know these things, do i always circle back to the following?
1.) Could i have saved it? 2.) She is sick and needs my help. 3.) She must still have SOME feelings about me. 4.) She isnt aware of her cycles and habits. 5.) She isnt happy, she is misreable, and self destructive. Its not her fault. 6.) Surely all we shared couldnt be fake? 7.) What if OM is really her one and only, and they are together forever? (i know if i truly love her, i should prefer to see her happy, but this is a solid FEAR i have. That OM will replace me forever, i know this to be unlikely, but it scares the hell out of me) 8.) I miss my wife, even if it was false. 9.) I wasnt truly happy in MR, but i was a hell of alot happier then, in ignorant abuse, than i am now. 10.) Why wont it stop hurting? ------------------------------------------------------------
This cycle seems to amplify after talking with WW about anything, even if the interaction goes well. I Shot myself in the foot trying to be amicable, i need to stick to the dark safety of my lighthouse.
Why do i keep doing this to myself? Why am i stagnant? Im not making progress, internally.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
O - you're only feeling stagnant because you are trying to escape the discomfort and pain. This is not going to happen quickly. It's taken me 12 months and my W was nowhere near what your W has done. The answer is infinite patience. I know it's not the sexy bada$$ answer, but it's the truth.
Your prime activity for yourself should be self-care. I saw your list of goals and that's awesome. I haven't had chance to respond to it, and I will do that at some point in terms of strategy.
There is some deep digging stuff with your emotions that needs to happen. I can't recommend finding a good IC enough. And don't look for an IC who's going to give you three practical things to do. That's good stuff, but you want an IC who isn't going to hand you answers but push you psychologically and emotionally in a safe way.
Well the cycle is a normal part of grief and recovery. The fastest way is not around, but through. You've got to let it happen. There's a book called The Happiness Trap that helped me a lot, one of the themes of the book is there are no "good" or "bad" emotions, they are all a natural part of us and we shouldn't chase what we think are the good ones and shun the bad ones. We should accept them as they come and process them. You are going to keep cycling for a while, I know it's miserable but you'll eventually work it out of your system.
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1.) Our relationship was rife with lies from Day 1. It was never what i thought it was. 2.) Why would i even want someone who would do all these awful things to me? 3.) Why would i want someone who put her own needs before her sons? 4.) why would i want a cheater? 5.) I deserve better 6.) She doesnt deserve me 7.) She knew what was going to happen before we even got married. 8.) She lies to everyone around her, family, friends, colleges. 9.) she is Broken, damaged, and is going to change. 10.) SHE IS DONE. SHE LEFT. SHE CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE.
I went back and read your very first post again. I don't know her and I don't know her side of the story, but someone who commits to M and then engages in an affair mere weeks later has some serious issues that need addressing. I question whether someone like her can even feel love, she may be chasing every direction to find it because SHE can't love to begin with. If that's the case then she needs to get to the root of why, and that would take some serious therapy. But you can't help her. She doesn't want your help and resents you right now. All you can do is pull back and remove yourself from the equation. Give her time and space and hopefully she will come to realize she needs help.
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What if OM is really her one and only, and they are together forever?
OM is a fool for having an affair with a woman that had only been married for weeks. Either he is just in it for the physical gratification or he's an idiot. Regardless, their relationship is built on lies, secrecy and adultery. Do you think a relationship based on that can last? Highly unlikely. What often happens is the married party gets a D and moves in with OP and all of the excitement of a sneaky affair is gone and OP quickly loses interest.
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Why wont it stop hurting?
It will, but it takes time and we are all impatient!
O - you're only feeling stagnant because you are trying to escape the discomfort and pain. This is not going to happen quickly. It's taken me 12 months and my W was nowhere near what your W has done. The answer is infinite patience. I know it's not the sexy bada$$ answer, but it's the truth.
Your prime activity for yourself should be self-care. I saw your list of goals and that's awesome. I haven't had chance to respond to it, and I will do that at some point in terms of strategy.
There is some deep digging stuff with your emotions that needs to happen. I can't recommend finding a good IC enough. And don't look for an IC who's going to give you three practical things to do. That's good stuff, but you want an IC who isn't going to hand you answers but push you psychologically and emotionally in a safe way.
Thanks, I have tried 2 IC's and havent been happy with either, I should have had "Get a GOOD IC" on my list yesterday, as it is something i will be looking into. I am hoping where i will be closer to the city, one will be easier to find that i Jive with and makes me do the right work.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I've worked with a few ICs in my life, and the best ones were women. Not saying there aren't some great men ICs out there, but I connect really well with women and my current IC rocks.
As I said, I look for ICs who are not going to give me a 12 step program. I think DBing and GAL can give you a lot of tools. What I love about my IC is that she gets me to do some serious emotional work and even looking at the past to better understand my behavior and instincts. And then figuring out a plan to move forward with those insights.
It is some hard work and takes a long time and there is no direct path to self worth, self esteem etc. The healing has to happen in stages and with every stage, you take more risk and understand yourself and your life situation better.
That's just my personal take on it and what's worked for me best.
