Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 2

[Davide]

Journaling.

Am now in NYC on my trip, for better and for worse. I actually have been biking all over the city - 2 days and no subway, just hauling @ss over the Manhattan Bridge to and from Brooklyn. Been out rock-climbing and visited old haunts. I have met up with cousins, friends from college, friends from my 1st real job, and spent quality time with my brother and tried to reestablish some of the connection that we had lost over the years. That is important to me. During the MR, I dropped off the grid and focused all my energies on W and really lost touch with other people who were important in my life. Reconnecting with my brother, who I have never been that close with, is, I think, a step in the right direction.

That said, it also has been a journey of shame. I have such good memories of the time I spent in my young adulthood here, and the world was so wide-open and full of possibilities. And everything I see reminds me of that time. And yet, at times, there is an overwhelming sense of shame and disappointment. Here I am over a decade later in worse shape than before and with nothing to show for it. I can reality check myself enough to say that isn't true, that I have lived a lifetime of experiences in that time and grown as a person. However, it doesnt completely erase the shadow of that shame.

Yesterday I had lunch with a dear friend who I havent spoken to in 5 years because I more or less had to cut her out of my life because she was so negative. She went through a breakup with her husband and just spiralled out of control, and I, living far far away, didnt feel like I could help, but I couldnt deal with the constant negativity and anger that she was sharing on social media. She is slightly better, but is still clearly not over a breakup that happened 6 years ago. She is full of rage that her H (they still arent divorced) has moved on, found someone else, and seems happy. She is very intelligent and knows that this is ridiculous, knows that their R was never going to work, but is still living in this resentment, rage, and misery. She listened to my story, but couldnt help but pour out parts of her own, and couldnt control her emotions as it happened.

What I never realized before is that she was the one who walked out on the R. She had an EA and then PA and her H begged and pleaded to get her back. It was a very f@cked up relationship going way back before that, but it was interesting to hear her POV. She said that eventually, after 1.5 years, they attempted to piece but that the guilt she felt and he encouraged, plus the same old patterns of the previous R quickly doomed them. It was great to see my friend, but really hard to see her like this. At the end she was quick to say that my story is not going to be like hers, that I am much too grounded and introspective and level-headed to end up like she has. I dunno.

The other thing that I learned yesterday was disturbing and I am wondering if at some point I need to reach out to my W when I have more information. A former colleague of mine, and friend who went out on double dates a few times with us, was involved in a bad traffic accident on a bus in another country, an accident in which someone died and there were other multiple serious injuries. I know that he didnt die, but beyond that I know nothing else. This guy picked me up on the side of the road when my bike died a month ago and I was stranded miles from home. He has a wife and two little girls. I really hope it isnt too serious. I probably know other people involved as well, but he is the only one I am sure of, and the one I am closest with. I dont pray but I am trying to send positive energy to him and his family.