It's hard having so many conflicted thoughts. Eventually you may need to separate from your husband to either reconcile or move on because it sounds like this stand-still has been going on for so long and isn't healthy for anyone, but that's understandable if you're waiting for your son to graduate. It seems cruel and especially hard when you're suffering so deeply and your spouse appears to be busy and doing fine on his own. I guess the one who withholds the love and affection is more empowered but with some effort surely you'll soon make some progress towards focusing on other things. Perhaps you first need to make peace with yourself and that can be the hardest thing to do. It seems you're actively thinking, posting here, and working on building up to making changes so you can at least commend yourself for that!
