I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

Thats part of it...how can you make any friends or let anyone get very close when your life is a mess like this? Idk. I feel like its a secret that needs to be kept, at least until I decide if I want to physically separate.
I havent seen that movie but I like her as an actress, sounds like it might be funny and I could use some humor!
I feel like Im in a bit of a catch 22 bc I dont see things changing between H and I while were living in this scenario. And id like to stay as a family at least until S17 graduates so that we can skip the awkwardness of being newly separated during the important milestone events of this year. But Im also really sad that were going to experience these important events in this way-so deeply broken on the inside. These events that should be really wonderful memories are going to instead be experienced with such a dark cloud hanging over. Some days I wonder if by holding on im delaying what could be a healthier R.
Ive been thinking lately that H is a way better DBer than me ha. He can act as if better than anyone I could imagine and does very well at treating me like the cashier. Hell offer to buy my wine if hes going to the store or make me something specific for dinner if hes already making it for himself....its like he already knows how to do all of these things perfectly that we all struggle with here on these boards...detach, differentiate, act as if, GAL, take the focus off the R....why does this make me angry?? It makes me angry that hes so GOOD at this. That he can be otherwise kind while simultaneously making me feel that Im simply unworthy of his love? And here I am, so ugly and full of resentment that its hard for me to even speak or look at him. If ive learned anything from my mistakes its been to handle even the darkest moments with integrity but yet here I am hating myself bc I just cant/wont behave the way I need to. I feel so completely less than.