Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

Not sure if you read many of Sandi's posts but if not, please do. Your W is wayward and waywards need more of a "tough love" approach than a WAS. She's having an affair and YOU want to apologize? That will not earn you her respect, she will have LESS respect for you because she KNOWS she's wayward and she KNOWS it's wrong. Do not give her any concessions, your attitude should be that the affair has to stop and until then there's nothing to discuss.

I understand. That is exactly why I am not going to actually apologize. I'm just saying it's hard to reconcile both ways of thinking. It was easier before when I knew for sure there was an affair and what was going on. Now, I don't really know what my attitude should be because I can't trust anything. It's almost like there are now two versions of my W in my mind--the wayward one that we paint here in all its ugliness and her "core self" who is a human being deserving of compassion and love. I cannot think about both as one in the same and it feels like glitching trying to tell myself which one is real. And if it's the former and the latter doesn't exist, then do I really even want her at all? It's hard to explain and maybe I sound crazy, IDK.

[quoteI think you're reading too much into it. I mean she could have bought it because she thinks you are at fault for everything and a horrible person and that you need to be saved and maybe her praying will save you even though she doesn't want you. You just don't know so don't lose sleep trying to figure it out. [/quote]

I had the same thought too and actually found it a bit amusing.

It doesn't matter whether it's a ploy or not, what matters is what she thinks it is, and she WILL think it's a ploy. So don't do it. You can't fix her, and you really need to quit trying to. It's her journey to make.

Of course you are right, and these are answers I already know so why do I keep asking their questions?


Tonight she blew up over my surf day. Claimed I was so selfish, had abandoned my family, didn't spend any time with the dogs, etc. Had a fit because I didn't tell her until the morning of, despite the fact I have been telling her for weeks. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, that I spend time with my dogs every single day, and walked away. Round 2, she threatens to leave while my mom and brother visit and says she doesn't want them to come. Round 3, she comes into my bedroom crying saying that I had accused her of talking to OM while we were waiting at a restaurant with the friend we visited and in fact she was talking to her mom because someone close to her had died that weekend. I also made the mistake of using something our friend said to back me up and now she is saying she will lose a friendship and we are ganging up on her etc. I don't feel I should feel sorry for accepting a friend reaching out for support during a difficult time and FWIW said friend has been about as neutral and unbiased as possible.

Turns out it was her friend's grandpa that had died. He went to all her sports games for years, but I also have to wonder if this isn't all manipulation. She is purposely trying to make me feel guilty and bad about myself. So should I just ignore her spiels? I know she probably wanted me to go chase after her and give her reassurance. This is where I freeze and feel like if I just never bring it up or show concern about the death that would only breed more resentment. But then a part of me thinks, it's not even about the death or the friendship, all she really wants is assurance she still has control. Then I go back to being horrified at myself for thinking those things about someone who is hurting. Argh.