So the Jordan Peterson event was pretty cool. There were a lot of good moments, but to me the most profound had to do with cynicism. Keep in mind that he is a long time clinical psychologist with books on this subject, so it's a well thought out viewpoint.
Basically he said that there were three states. We start out naive, totally oblivious to the malevolence in the world. We tend to think things are all good. Then we are betrayed and hurt, sometimes terribly. At that point we fall into cynicism. We start to think that things are all bad. Eventually we can find a balance in which we understand that while it's true that things are good, that's only part of it, and it's only part of it that things are bad. They are both.
He got chuckles when he talked about people moving from naivety to cynicism say when we feel everything is bad "Not entirely, but you're one step closer to the truth!"
It also doesn't mean we only fall into one category. We might be naive about some things, cynical about other areas, and very mature in others.
This really was profound to me. Juju, you have mentioned how high my walls seem to be. And this is absolutely correct. I've had a couple of moments of clarity in the last 12-18 months in which I have seen that. It's more than an impenetrable forcefield, it's almost like a magnetic repulsion in which pushes back against the outside world as it approaches.
Now, I'm not saying that's all bad. I am nice and cozy and doing better than ever. And I think there are some very rational reasons to keep these walls right where they are.
But I'll absolutely admit that they might not be there rationally and strategically, but defensively and reflexively out of cynicism and fear of being hurt.
If I was through my cynicism to the maturity phase would I take down my walls? I don't know. Probably some of them some of the time. But I can't say from where I sit. But it's nice to get a shot of hope that as I work through my sitch, someday it may feel differently. And it would be nice to be in control of my defenses instead of the other way around.
My IC said recovery after a D is a long process. He used 5 years as a benchmark. I'm 4 years out. There's so much more to it than not wanting to R, or being ok without your WAS. I'm starting to see that. It really changes the way you view the entire world and how your brain and body act independently of your consciousness to protect you. I'm curious where I'll be in another four years.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
