I also know I became an abusive terrible wife after his first affair so I want to improve myself as a person.
I know it is not inherent but go easy on yourself. He did cheat on you and break the basic building block of a MR. Forgiveness for such things takes time, you are human and would react like anybody else would. That does not mean he would take off again, since he did it only shows he was not done with that need in him yet. Stay strong and hugs to both of you.
