Thanks kml. Reading back my post I think I just had one of my down days yesterday. I suppose using this board to vent as I did is the best place for it, and I do appreciate yours and everyone's guidance when I slip up like that. I'm actually normally pretty controlled and disciplined in front her, and really haven't been overtly anything other than pleasant and upbeat with her since maybe 2 weeks post BD. But yes, you are right. Keep emotions out of it, keep upbeat.
And your anecdote about revenge not being worth it is spot on. I'll will be firm in discussions, but not let my emotions interfere. We're not at that stage yet, but will make sure I have your story in my mind if/when we do get there.
Nothing too much new to report today. It was S17's birthday today. We had a good day visiting a school he's interested in going to. And then celebrated as a family when we got back. I do suspect W went off to see OM in our absence, but whatever. I'm not letting it affect me.
She's off to her parents tomorrow morning early. Back on Sunday. I'm keeping myself busy parenting, working and probably reading up on validation threads preparing myself for the conversation.
Father's Day here on Sunday - I'm taking the kids out for lunch. Will definitely make the most of our time together. Actually really looking forward to that, and also the time without W. Being away from her does relieve the internal tension and takes the pressure off what is really quite a touch living situation. Onwards and upwards...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
So W is away with her parents today and it's been a good day of reflection for me and time with the kids, which has been fun. The lack of her presence in the house is a relief tbh, and I'm starting to get a feel for how it will be when she's not here permanently. I've done grocery shopping, laundry and a few errands - of the kind she might have done had she been here. I really feel that I've got this, if/when we end up separating.
I did have a bit of a light bulb moment today whilst doing the laundry. I noticed a pair of W's sexy underwear (the ones she has for the OM only) in amongst the basket. Background is that when I discovered the A originally, I told her I had seen she had all this underwear which clearly wasn't for me and could she put it away permanently - if we had to live under the same roof, I didn't want this waved in front of my face daily. And so she did put them away, saying she didn't wear them anyway. So fast forward to today, she had clearly taken this item out of her stash for her meet up with the OM as I suspected yesterday. I don't think she expected me to see them, but now I have, I really want her to know I have. It's clear that carrying on with the A under my nose, on her eldest son's birthday, she really has no respect for me or the kids, and actually the more I think about her and how she has treated me, both over the last year, and over the last 8 weeks, the more I am despising her as a person. She has done me a favour exposing her true self to me, as it really is helping me detach completely and move more quickly to a point where I will actually be pleased when she comes back from trip and tells me she wants to separate.
So question - given that all these discoveries are eroding fast my feelings of love for her, and instead she is starting to repulse me, and I really am starting to think that I can no longer see a scenario where I will want to get back together with her (even if she does a complete about face this week or in the future), does that change how I can approach the R conversation?
I mean, if I really am not interested in getting back with her and don't have to just pretend that's the case, is it appropriate to forget validation and 'fake it to you make it', and just take control of the situation and tell her how I really feel?
At the moment all I want is for her to move out as soon as possible so I can get on with my life. I can't see that I will want to have anything to do with her after that, other than to make arrangements with the kids and of course to work through the business details of the D.
So, do the DB rules dis-apply if I am not trying to win her back? Or should I be doing them anyway, just in case this is another phase of mine and I may change my mind?
I think I know what you'll all say, but I am genuinely feeling like this woman doesn't deserve to be with me, and I deserve better.
Funny - I had a little taste of what might be in a cafe today. I caught a woman looking at me - she looked away when I noticed, but then looked back and held my gaze for maybe a second or two. I let the moment go of course, but it felt quite good having a little spark of interest from someone new for the first time in 20+ years. Maybe there's hope for me after all
Anyway, W is back tomorrow afternoon. I doubt we'll chat then as the kids are around, but Monday is a real possibility, so thoughts before then would be appreciated.
Thanks as always.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Word of caution, 40. This is part of the roller-coaster ride. I would warn you that tomorrow you could be back to desperately wanting your wife back. I've been through this multiple times myself. One day wanting my wife back. The next wanting to tell her it was over myself. One day being sad that my MR was where it was at. The next day being excited at my life after D. The next being angry that she was making the choices she was making.
Yes, there is no doubt that you really believe that you are angry and ready to move on right now. But this is why DBing is so important. Because you might change tomorrow.
There is no rush on this stuff. There is no prize for getting over the finish line sooner. LBS have the illusion of action. The need to DO something. They also have the delusion of a deadline. "I can't, won't or don't want to do this anymore!"
40 take a deep breath, and concentrate on GAL, 180s, detachment and being the best 40 that you can be. Either you'll feel like this later, or you won't.
Moving forward on S and D is always in your realm of control. You can pull the trigger on it at anytime. The key is to make sure you are really ready to pull the trigger.
I've been thinking about this a lot likely. You see, even in a good MR we are one action or one thing said away from D. The couple happily married for years can have that all come crashing down by a spouse lying about something big (gambling, prositution) or saying something (wanting to sleep with their spouse's sibling, telling their spouse they are unattractive in a mean way, etc). This means that when the MR is already strained then you really have to watch what you do and say, because you can irretrievably, irrevocably cause your MR to come crashing down to a dubious end.
Anyway, I digressed. 40 make sure you are really ready for it all to end before accelerating your MR's demise.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85. You're right of course. Today I'm not feeling quite so angry and ready to push the button as I was yesterday. I'm still pretty sure that's how it's going to go anyway(i.e. she's going to tell me she's want to S or D), but having reflected and slept on it, I'm back to being more inclined to following the validation guidance and just go with it without making a scene.
She really doesn't deserve for me to treat her with so much respect and understanding, but I get that this is simply keeping my options open for now (you're right - it's not a race), and once its done, I will focus on me, the kids and all the things that are in my control and we'll see where that leads to. I still don't think I could ever take her back even if she suggested it, but maybe my feelings will change in time, if she also changes, and if she ever shows any kind of remorse for how she has treated me - something which she says she just doesn't feel. What a nice woman.
More tomorrow no doubt..
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Another day has passed without incident or any R conversation. Which is actually VERY frustrating.
She got back from her trip to see her parents early evening yesterday, and has spoken with me very little since - either yesterday or today. I have no idea what is going on in her head but she seems to be in no rush to have the conversation. I think she has now cancelled her planned IC session in 2 days and instead has made a couple of appointments (on Weds and Fri) to see houses in the nearby town where I know she'd like to move to.
I know I am supposed to just wait for her to initiate, but now it seems she is just toying with me, realising she is in control and is just inflicting more pain by doing everything in her own time. I have no idea when she plans to engage with me, but I feel like I am being walked all over. All the while she is cake eating (see incident with underwear noted above), and I'm having to act all normal in the house around the kids. This has been going on for 8 weeks and all because she 'couldn't make up her mind'. I know she has now made up her mind, but is just not telling me (but is telling everyone else), and I've just about had enough.
I am trying to be patient, and do all the right things, but she is now pushing it to the point of being totally disrespectful and twisting the knife in further. I REALLY want to ask her what she is thinking and at least understand what her plan is - we would have so much to discuss and not much time as the kids will be off school in not much more than a couple of weeks.
So question - can I go ahead and raise it with her tomorrow morning? It would be exactly 2 weeks since we last discussed, and before that it was 2 weeks prior that - so basically 2 conversations in a month. Neither of which were in any way conclusive and both left it that she would come back to me when she was ready to discuss further. Well I would like to regain some control in this situation, and as much as LRT and detaching is helpful for me and my personal development, it is not having much of an effect on her.
Thoughts?
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
You are simply being too impatient, 40. Seriously. The LRT and everything that goes along with it is a long term strategy and it is to help you and your personal development as much or more than it is to get your W to notice. And you cannot have possibly been DBing long enough to see real results yet.
You have no control over this situation. You have control over YOU.
That is the hardest thing for all of us in these situations to get through our heads. You have been with your W for 21 years. It took years of your relationship being bad to get your W to this point and this situation is not going to be resolved quickly in terms of heading towards R if you hold any desire for it. I have been with mine for 20. I am only just recently starting to really be able to come to terms with my own sitch. To realize that it is going to take a long time to see any progress, if any comes at all. You cannot control your W.
If you want to make things escalate negatively, get really ugly and end quickly, that is about the only control you have over the relationship right now. You are being too self absorbed to do anything else right now. You need to understand that this is not about you for her; it is about her. You are personalizing everything. And maybe she is being vindictive in some ways, but you do not know that for sure because you cannot read her mind.
You are not yet detaching, that is obvious from your posts. You are full of anger (understandably). You need to slow yourself down and get a grip on yourself before anything else. Go no contact on your end except in terms of absolutely necessary contact regarding the kids only. Do not raise anything with her. Do not speak to her at all unless she approaches you. Concentrate on YOU.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
I would LOVE to say that to her. LOVE to. Steve85 wouldn't be very impressed...
Trouble is, she can just say no and keepdo
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
I would LOVE to say that to her. LOVE to. Steve85 wouldn't be very impressed...
Trouble is, she can just say no and keep doing what she is doing. I wouldn't put it past her tbh. She knows what she is doing is not fair, yet she continues to do it, continues to say nothing, and continues to make arrangements to see OM. Something has got to give and soon.
Any other views?
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
