I'm back! Sorry I couldn't post on my trip, was with W the entire time and couldn't risk it.
Overall, the trip was good. There were a few hiccups...one instance she went full "bully" mode and said some very hurtful things, which she did apologize for but I don't think it was wholehearted. It's interesting she tries to use our ending MR as a threat, despite already having played that card. If she gets really upset or hurt, she will lash out and say things like "maybe we should speed up this process" or "I've been going through the motions long enough, I can do it a little longer". She knows exactly where it hurts, but at this point all I think is...she is only undermining herself and her previous threats.
The worst incident was on the last day, and partly my fault. We went to a theme park and from the very beginning, she was texting excessively. Background/update: I know she has contact with OM. 100% confirmed, but it isn't obsessive like before and I have no knowledge of the content of the messages. However, she is shady and secretive to the hilt. She will verbally tell me to give her physical space while she is on her phone and accuse me of spying or watching her. Has changed her password, hides her phone while showering, covers it while typing if I am within view, etc. Anyway, at the theme park, my patience wore thin and I asked her if she was going to text all day (I know, bad move). She gave some ridiculous speech about how she is an adult and it isn't rude, look at everyone else on their phones, back off, blah blah. So I did, and then she accused me of sucking the fun out of the day and that I had ruined it. I am SO tired of being blamed for everything. So I kick myself and try to get through the day despite everything. Later, she talks about taking her nephews to Disneyland in the next year or two. She says maybe she will "hit me up" when they go and I can join so I can "still be a part of their lives". I KNOW to ignore all of these nonsensical comments she makes, but I am starting to feel resentful myself and I couldn't hold back when she called me shady. I basically told her what makes her assume I would want to go to DL or even be friends with her when in fact she is the one who is shady as he11. I told her I know she is still in contact with OM, has continued to lie and be completely insensitive and unapologetic. Of course, she got very defensive saying things like I am assuming and it's not what I think, etc. The best part--if she tried to tell me the truth, I wouldn't believe her. Gee, I wonder why??? So that's pretty much how the trip ended.
When we got back, I went surfing with my GAL friends (had a GREAT day). They changed plans and we ended up not going overnight, but W still sure wasn't happy. She made sure to let me know she was "leaving" before I got home and I know she desperately wanted me to ask where she was going etc but I gave her nothing. Yesterday she moped around the house, surprisingly wasn't rude to me but so over-the-top with her pouting. She actually got a deck of cards out to play solitaire in the living room. I honestly don't know what she wants from me at this point. How can she be so attached and needy, but so resentful and contemptuous at the same time??
I picked up another book to read by Stosny that addresses resentment. It really helped me to understand how her behavior toward me and subsequent guilt and shame feeds her own self-loathing. It violates her own humanity and core values to not show me care and compassion, but she is stuck in the cycle of misery where she is trying to starve her hungry heart to death rather than feed it (which he says is like trying to drown yourself--impossible). I really struggle with the fact that she resents me and has so much hurt, because I know I am not perfect and have probably done some very hurtful things, but I feel with her being wayward I am not supposed to have remorse or apologize for anything. I understand I need to regain her respect which may breed attraction, but how will that wash away her resentment when I have not sincerely owned my mistakes and given her a formal apology? The book describes how compassion is the only antidote; I am trying to find that balance of being compassionate toward her but also intolerant to her disrespect. It is tricky!
One strange thing that I am trying not to read into--she bought a book about praying for your husband. The entire thing is daily prayers dedicated to him. I'll admit I'm somewhat hopeful if she has some kind of spiritual connection (one way to connect with your core self according to Stosny), especially if it involves having compassion for me through prayer. I just can't really believe it given the state of her heart at the moment. I'm not sure why else she would have bought it; maybe there is some manipulation I am blind to because she brought it to my attention by texting me to check if her "new books" synced to her kindle. I told her it was there, but didn't comment on the content.
The one good thing is that she does have motivation to make positive changes in her life in general. I am trying to encourage this. I know it is supposed to be a huge no-no, but I have considered suggesting she read the part of the Stosny book for those with deep resentment. Not as a ploy for me or the MR, but because her misery is so clearly founded in everything he talks about and it will not get any better without help (will carry over to future relationships, etc). Reconnecting with the core self and finding compassion is obviously healthy and healing regardless of the MR. But I know she might not be receptive even if I made it clear I was only suggesting she do it for herself.
I'm so glad to be back here reading because I am still a newbie that needs constant reminders. A few days off the board and I remember everything but it's like I can just see it all swimming around in my head without the coherency I have when I'm focused, posting, and reading. I am working to get back to where I was before the confrontation. Actually, I think it was the talk we had when she came home that really set me back. I still don't know if maybe I should have waited to initiate that R talk, but how she was treating me during that time she was gone was where she needed to be and I am trying to retrace my steps to get back there. I think my DBing was at it's best when I was totally focused on me while knowing of her A, mourning my dead MR, and moving on without giving up. I think it's still too early to do much else without undermining my efforts. The trip was fun, but now it's time to fully detach and hit the GAL and "me" stuff hard.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
