The beginning of a long and painful journey

[hoosjim]

Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene?
That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.

Ima chime in here because i have several thoughts (and no small amount of experience) on this issue.

First, and foremost, I think that approaching this issue--going out to bars or pubs or clubs where alcohol and potentially unencumbered members of the opposite of the sex-- is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Namely: Who are you? How well do you know yourself and what do you think you can handle responsibly? I think that some people are better at handling those venues and circumstances better than others, and some should avoid them like the plague! It really depends on who you are. If you are in a place where you are likely to just try drowning your sorrows, or lose yourself in a tawdry on-night stand to try to forget, (or if you are Alcoholic-- EEK!) you should definitely avoid such situations. OTOH, if you are properly grounded, I think that your neighborhood bar can be an acceptable and even valuable and important part of your GAL activities...

On that point: It (bargoing) should never, IMO, be the ONLY or even the most important element of your GAL profile. Everyone is different, but it seems to me from my own experience and the experience of friends and what i have seen on these boards that the GAL activities that have the best "rate of return", if you will, are personal fitness and religious faith. People will talk plenty about both of these on here, but to simplify it some it is my experience that it is pretty hard to feel bad when you are getting fit, especially when those exercise-related endorphins get flowing, and that it is near impossible to feel bad (at least for very long) when you have a personal relationship with your God and know that he is there for you and working for your benefit no matter how bad things seem at any particular moment.

Aside from those two elements, however, I wouldn't necessarily be afraid of venturing "out" into bars/pubs/clubs... if you are confident that you can handle it. In my own case, initially, this meant venturing out with friends. Well, really, my one and only real friend at the time, a buddy who was going through something similar, oddly enough with my own W's bff. (Our respective W's were Bff's before we even met them). At any rate, he lived in a small town an hour away from the big city in which i live. He'd just moved there when his W went wayward, so he commenced on an agressive "get to know my new town" initiative which involved, amongs other things, spending extensive time in the local pubs. This resulted in him meeting a ton of good folk and, due to his easy-going nature, his responsible habits WRT alchol, and his recent conversion to Christianity (from being an avowed atheist) worked out REALLY well for him-- didn't get into any trouble, found a lot of goodwill and support, built his confidence and, without getting entangled in any relationships for which he wasn't prepared or which might have been ill-advised, he started to discover that interesting members of the opposite sex were actually interested in him. It was virtually the only part of DB-ing he "got right", and i, being of similar temparament, followed his example. Having been out several times with him and having gotten my feet wet, i started going to a local establishment on Thursday afternoons and sitting on the outdoor patio to do my late-day work (I work out of my house a couple of days out of the week), sipping a drink or two, and listening to live music. I started meeting folks and, before you knew it, i was a regular. Made several new friends, got to know the bartenders, then the manager, then the owner, and it became kind of a home away from home. Eventually, my W became curious as i was spending so much time there and she started coming by herself. The dynamic there for me was so good and i was so in my element (and it didn't hurt that there were two very cute young bartrendresses there who would flirt with me outrageously) that i am convinced that it played some role, however small, in my W becoming interested in me again as a mate.

Now, a caution about "flirting": It can be intoxicating. And dangerous. And, even, hurful. As you GAL, your confidence will invariably increase and, as a result, if you are "out there", you will draw the interest of members of the opposite sex. Confidence is attractive. Period. Thing is, the place you are in and the place most LBS's are in, you have probably not had too many if any positive/flirty interactions with someone else in quite some time and, when you do, it is like a drug. I remember when that switch flipped with me on one of my trips to see my friend in the small town-- My W and i had had a tough period and i was at one of my lower points in terms of the MR and the prospects for it, even as my own personal confidence and GAL-ing had vastly improved, and i was just like "To heck with it, i am just goint to enjoy myself, be my normal, outgoing self, talk to people (men AND women) and just have fun." Well, at various times that night i found myself a) pulled out on the dance floor, b) being bought a drink and finally c) being engaged in a very stiumulating, entertaining, and flirtatious conversation with an attractive young lady who was clearly VERY intereste in me. It was intoxicating. Holy crap i had forgotten what it was like. I had been a confident, borderline womanizing guy in my youth but it had been a looooong time. And i was drinking, and far from home, and i had the opportunity to cross that line.... but i didn't. Thankfully, i had also been attending to my faith, which had become an extremely important part of my life by that point, and i had also recommitted to a code of personal conduct which dictated that, regardless of what my W was doing, I was not going to have such a relationship while i was still married. But oh! Was i tempted! And i cannot gaurantee that had i had another drink or two, or had my friend not been nearby to check up on my from time to time that i would have held fast, but... thankfully i did. And not only for me, but for the young lady who, for all i knew, stood to be hurt had i let things go further... and in fact maybe even hurt just by the flirting that went on, IDK.

After that, experience, I felt much more comfortable being out in that type of environment, but it was touch and go. You just need to know yourself, what you are capable of, and know where the lines are and that you can "dial it back" when you need to.