I realize that I may be doing exactly that. I may be 100% delusional as she may be thinking or not thinking something totally different. I may be seeing things because I want to know that DB is having some effect on her and there may be a chance. I am doing all I can to hold everything together. Most of the time it is only Faith that is getting me by, every once in a while, Hope pops over to say hello. My instinct is to embrace it. I cautiously do.
All of this is correct, your DB'ing IS having an effect on her, there IS a chance, you SHOULD have hope! All I'm saying is have hope for a long-term recovery rather than short term. I think a lot of people come here expecting to DB a few weeks or maybe a month and put things back to normal, and after 2 or 3 months they are so discouraged that they want to quit. I try to do what I can to give people more realistic expectations about the timeline. I think there would be a lot more recons if people knew going in that this might take a year or two and prepared themselves for that.
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So just a random thought. This detaching in a in-house separation is very difficult. And to top it off, I still very much love my W and to this day, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Tough to not notice and tough to detach from. Even without makeup, hair isn't done and in shorts and a tank top.
I know that part is mostly physical, though I still see my W as "the person I married and have been with forever" and I know she is not that person any longer.
Yeah detaching is seriously difficult under the same roof. I mean you still live together and raise kids together and all around you are the reminders of the life you built together. She doesn't want to be married yet you are still behaving like a married couple except maybe for sex and planning out the future and such. It's confusing and mentally exhausting. When my ex moved out it was horrible for a few weeks, but in a lot of ways it's like the classic "ripping the band-aid off" because after the initial shock and pain wears off it is a LOT easier to work on detaching and GAL'ing. I'm not saying to push for S, but it's probably inevitable and when it comes, it will help you both.
Originally Posted By: JustSad
W ignored me most of the day.
You mean Father's Day? I just mentioned this in someone else's thread but that's to be expected of a newly minted WAS. She doesn't want to do anything right now to give you the impression she cares because she's trying to get you on board with D. I know it hurts but take heart in knowing it's very typical.
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W- Whatever. I know that I am just going to get bent over and screwed through this deal.
Me- I believe that no one wins in a divorce. That all 4 of us (2 kids included) will lose as this goes through.
Be careful about responses like this because to her it sounds like you are trying to blame her for everything, and that you are trying to guilt her by bringing the kids into the discussion. Like Steve said, talk less. LISTEN and VALIDATE her feelings.
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W- Whatever, I see a L in our futures big time. I just don't trust you with anything.
Me- I understand how you feel. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about nothing but the kids and the negative parting stuff. Of course you don't trust me and I have a hard time trusting you as we are now on opposite sides. This only makes sense.
Again, too much talking on your side. She doesn't want to listen to you. She wants you to listen to her. Remember, validation is not agreeing with her, it's just simply acknowledging her feelings. It's not about right and wrong.
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W- You just seem to be going through this unphased and it just tells me that you have something up your sleeve. I know you.
Me- Outside of me taking care of our family for the last 20 years, what do you mean by that?
Validate- "I am sorry you think I'm trying to take advantage of you. I am just trying to deal with this situation as best I can, and if that makes me look like I'm up to something then it isn't my intent."
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I don't know what to make of this, but it seems that she is concerned that I am moving on and unphased by anything.
I'm going to repeat what I told you a few days ago:
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I'm not trying to dash your hopes, just trying to tell you to remember you're in this for the long haul and you need to maintain your path through all the little ups and downs. The downs don't mean it's over, but the ups don't mean you're out of the woods either.
You are doing exactly what I warned you about. When something good happens you get your hopes up, when something bad happens your hopes are dashed. GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER! Take a LONG TERM view. Let her ride all the ups and downs while you stay off the ride and remain in the middle. You need to be the rock.
