Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[hongaku]

So, worst Fathers Day ever. It was not even that anything particularly bad happened, just the pain of being with my boys for the first Fathers Day since the BD. I kept a brave face and made sure we had some fun together, but inside I am a wreck today.

Some days I just cannot keep the positivity going and today was one of them. The boys spent last night w/me since my cousin and his W were out of town and I had the place to myself. Prior to this, I have only seen them for a few hours on weekends since I have been out of the family home. I talked to my W on the phone this morning and she was being unpleasant, which did not set the tone for the rest of today nicely - I did not let things become an argument, the opposite rather as I effectively used validation to smooth the conversation. I am still trying to put it out of my mind and detach, but I definitely was a mess after I dropped the boys back w/my W and made it back to my cousins place; broke down and was inconsolable for a good bit. Those moments when you feel the full weight of the sadness and realize how unhappy you are. The moments when you wish you were dead.

My up days are good, but when the pain hits, man, it really hits. I feel like I am not ever going to make progress and that no matter what I do, it means nothing. And I may be right. That is the hard reality so many of us here have to contend with. I fully acknowledge that I am NOT detached enough to cope with the thought of D actually happening right now. I have NOT let go enough to actually believe that I am going to be alright if that were to happen. I am still in a place where I doubt my ability to find a meaningful existence with a broken family and the woman I love no longer being with me. I worry that I could become suicidal at some point.

I know it is supposed to get better, but I just need something to go right in my life and I need it to happen soon because so far, this year has left me with no solid wins and trying to remain optimistic is harder every day.