The beginning of a long and painful journey

[ovrrnbw]

Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene?
That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.

That's the only rule I haven't followed. My friends want to go out, and it beats sitting at home.

Checkout meetup.com and find some groups, that's a cool website.

[Rawpain]

THanks 40
I will try and keep this in mind. I do want her back ATM and I am not looking for revenge and definetly not another R. I have not got space in my head to even consider it.
I will keep working on me and detaching. I went to delete her FB account but she beat me to the punch as she has deleted her whole old account- I noticed she has not added any of her family to her new one. I had to unfriend a few of her friends too who have added her new account as I do not want to be reminded of it.

While working on detachment should I try and stay away from these forums a little more? Because I am trying to detach but every time I am on here I am constantly thinking of her?

I had a bad night last night. I feel I went through every emotion possible yesterday in such a short space of time and today I feel exhausted and like garbage.

[40free]

I would steer clear of any social media that might remind of your sitch or inflict more pain. The more you ween yourself of that, the more you'll be able to detach. At the moment you are clearly trying hard, but not succeeding. I have/had a similar issue - my W doesn't do FB or other social media, but I've been snooping and that's my downfall and what I have tasked myself to stop. It doesn't help at all.Just stops us detaching.

As for this forum, no I would say the opposite. Being on here might be a reminder of what you are going through, but here you have the support of all of us who have been or are going through the same thing as you. We can pick you up when you're down, give you a confidence boost when you need it, set you straight when you slip up, give you skills that you need to manage your way through your 'long and painful' journey. I'm still near the beginning of mine, but I find being on here invaluable.

I'm clearly just a newbie myself so feel a fit of a fake giving you the benefit of my [very limited] wisdom (!), but it's been a real help to me just be able to vent and get guidance from those who have been there before. The rollercoaster of emotions you describe from last night - I've done that all over the weekend and I'm through the other side, and feeling better today. It's going to be like that for you (and me) for some time. Good days and bad days. On the good days, enjoy every moment, feel good about yourself. On the bad days, try to remember the good days and that they'll be back soon.

One day at a time. LRT, detach, GAL. Repeat. It will become the norm, and you'll eventually feel better for it.

England tonight. Get some beers. Enjoy the game. Kane hat-trick.. boom we're happy again. Just for a while. GAL. It's your life. Take control.

[Rawpain]

Thanks again 40
I never really used FB until bomb drop and yes I have used it for snooping.
I feel it helped me get the evidence I needed to prove OM but still denied it until the words came out of her mouth-well text so it was pointless.
I feel it will help now and only use msngr to chat to friends.
Reddit is so much better and I feel I get to see parts of the whole world from my sleepy little town.
I forgot about the footy tonight, walking around in my zombified state. I will try and get out for that .
I will stick to the boards too as I know I haven t absorbed all the info I need and really value the support and guidance.
Thanks again.

[SteveLW]

I feel I need to find this confidence but think I will only get it through being noticed by other woman-

Have you considered IC? Confidence and self worth should come from inside, not outside. The fact that you look externally to gain that means you aren't differentiated. I'd highly encourage you to seek IC to discover why you have this need.

See in my mind you have it backwards. Being noticed by women doesn't produce confidence. Confidence produces being noticed by women.

Just something to think about.

[Rawpain]

Maybe I am just not looking at it propally. Maybe it was just because it was a more social environment and it just made me more interesting. Working solo could of made me dull and loss of social life.
I should look at IC anyway I think.
I am just trying to look inwards at myself and see what I want and can change about myself.

[Rawpain]

Okay I could do with a quick bit of advice. She is asking me to get the kids from my mums house after I finish work. She told my mum yesterday that I was picking them up but she had not asked me. She does not want to see my mum and last week turned up with a friend and didn not talk to my mum. Now she has just messaged to say she has an emergency at work and I need to have the kids tonight. I think she is lying and just wants to go and watch football with OM.
What should I do? Help

[hoosjim]

Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene?
That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.

Ima chime in here because i have several thoughts (and no small amount of experience) on this issue.

First, and foremost, I think that approaching this issue--going out to bars or pubs or clubs where alcohol and potentially unencumbered members of the opposite of the sex-- is best considered on a case-by-case basis. Namely: Who are you? How well do you know yourself and what do you think you can handle responsibly? I think that some people are better at handling those venues and circumstances better than others, and some should avoid them like the plague! It really depends on who you are. If you are in a place where you are likely to just try drowning your sorrows, or lose yourself in a tawdry on-night stand to try to forget, (or if you are Alcoholic-- EEK!) you should definitely avoid such situations. OTOH, if you are properly grounded, I think that your neighborhood bar can be an acceptable and even valuable and important part of your GAL activities...

On that point: It (bargoing) should never, IMO, be the ONLY or even the most important element of your GAL profile. Everyone is different, but it seems to me from my own experience and the experience of friends and what i have seen on these boards that the GAL activities that have the best "rate of return", if you will, are personal fitness and religious faith. People will talk plenty about both of these on here, but to simplify it some it is my experience that it is pretty hard to feel bad when you are getting fit, especially when those exercise-related endorphins get flowing, and that it is near impossible to feel bad (at least for very long) when you have a personal relationship with your God and know that he is there for you and working for your benefit no matter how bad things seem at any particular moment.

Aside from those two elements, however, I wouldn't necessarily be afraid of venturing "out" into bars/pubs/clubs... if you are confident that you can handle it. In my own case, initially, this meant venturing out with friends. Well, really, my one and only real friend at the time, a buddy who was going through something similar, oddly enough with my own W's bff. (Our respective W's were Bff's before we even met them). At any rate, he lived in a small town an hour away from the big city in which i live. He'd just moved there when his W went wayward, so he commenced on an agressive "get to know my new town" initiative which involved, amongs other things, spending extensive time in the local pubs. This resulted in him meeting a ton of good folk and, due to his easy-going nature, his responsible habits WRT alchol, and his recent conversion to Christianity (from being an avowed atheist) worked out REALLY well for him-- didn't get into any trouble, found a lot of goodwill and support, built his confidence and, without getting entangled in any relationships for which he wasn't prepared or which might have been ill-advised, he started to discover that interesting members of the opposite sex were actually interested in him. It was virtually the only part of DB-ing he "got right", and i, being of similar temparament, followed his example. Having been out several times with him and having gotten my feet wet, i started going to a local establishment on Thursday afternoons and sitting on the outdoor patio to do my late-day work (I work out of my house a couple of days out of the week), sipping a drink or two, and listening to live music. I started meeting folks and, before you knew it, i was a regular. Made several new friends, got to know the bartenders, then the manager, then the owner, and it became kind of a home away from home. Eventually, my W became curious as i was spending so much time there and she started coming by herself. The dynamic there for me was so good and i was so in my element (and it didn't hurt that there were two very cute young bartrendresses there who would flirt with me outrageously) that i am convinced that it played some role, however small, in my W becoming interested in me again as a mate.

Now, a caution about "flirting": It can be intoxicating. And dangerous. And, even, hurful. As you GAL, your confidence will invariably increase and, as a result, if you are "out there", you will draw the interest of members of the opposite sex. Confidence is attractive. Period. Thing is, the place you are in and the place most LBS's are in, you have probably not had too many if any positive/flirty interactions with someone else in quite some time and, when you do, it is like a drug. I remember when that switch flipped with me on one of my trips to see my friend in the small town-- My W and i had had a tough period and i was at one of my lower points in terms of the MR and the prospects for it, even as my own personal confidence and GAL-ing had vastly improved, and i was just like "To heck with it, i am just goint to enjoy myself, be my normal, outgoing self, talk to people (men AND women) and just have fun." Well, at various times that night i found myself a) pulled out on the dance floor, b) being bought a drink and finally c) being engaged in a very stiumulating, entertaining, and flirtatious conversation with an attractive young lady who was clearly VERY intereste in me. It was intoxicating. Holy crap i had forgotten what it was like. I had been a confident, borderline womanizing guy in my youth but it had been a looooong time. And i was drinking, and far from home, and i had the opportunity to cross that line.... but i didn't. Thankfully, i had also been attending to my faith, which had become an extremely important part of my life by that point, and i had also recommitted to a code of personal conduct which dictated that, regardless of what my W was doing, I was not going to have such a relationship while i was still married. But oh! Was i tempted! And i cannot gaurantee that had i had another drink or two, or had my friend not been nearby to check up on my from time to time that i would have held fast, but... thankfully i did. And not only for me, but for the young lady who, for all i knew, stood to be hurt had i let things go further... and in fact maybe even hurt just by the flirting that went on, IDK.

After that, experience, I felt much more comfortable being out in that type of environment, but it was touch and go. You just need to know yourself, what you are capable of, and know where the lines are and that you can "dial it back" when you need to.

[Rawpain]

Well I refused to collect the kids for her and have them tonight stating that I had plans and it is not my night. Then she started spitting the venom stating that she has always had to do everything on her own- this is BS I did all the house work the school runs the cooking of teas and the baths and the list goes on. It felt so against what I wanted to do but now I do feel I reaclaimed a part of my balls back.
I think she is going to make things difficult in the future as she holds a grudge and this will be brought up in many future debates.
I have already agreed to look after the kids while she goes on holiday with friends- probably a lie probably with OM- next week and have had to sort all that out. She then brought up that she let me have the kids for Fathers Day on her weekend but then I pointed out that I had done the same for her the previous weekend when she lied about a birthday party that was not a birthday and that her mum was over and she wanted to see the kids wich was a lie too.

[ovrrnbw]

Okay I could do with a quick bit of advice. She is asking me to get the kids from my mums house after I finish work. She told my mum yesterday that I was picking them up but she had not asked me. She does not want to see my mum and last week turned up with a friend and didn not talk to my mum. Now she has just messaged to say she has an emergency at work and I need to have the kids tonight. I think she is lying and just wants to go and watch football with OM.
What should I do? Help

Sorry, I have plans. I can't tonight. She's full of $#/!.