V is 5 4", very pale and long pale curly natural ash blonde hair (almost no white, a little silver). Dolly Partonish in the figure and a smattering of Marilyn Monroe. Heart shaped faced with strong Cupid bow mouth. UK size 12 (US 8-10).
Tiny button nose, deep grass green eyes. Legs more or less as described and toned arms. No age spots as no sun and few wrinkles.
But my internal V is short dumpy with huge muffin top, thinning hair and rather ugly. Especially on a bad day and especially when I hear the G raging at me in my head over my body faults of which he found plenty all the time. Including me being a bag lady of whom he was deeply ashamed. I am also hugely incompetent, terrible at what I do, the most selfish unloving person ever in the world.
I am seeking to heal the trauma, to go back to being a better than ok person who can function in this world, without being paralysed by trauma. I didn't know that I was so dissociated from myself. Nor did realise that I just simply never looked in a full length mirror, choosing to buy in charity shops and eBay without the need for it. Of course I have a hand mirror for teeth brushing.
I simply don't recognise myself in photos, yes I know it's me but I don't know it's me. It's as if it's someone else. I knew I had 'bought the G abuse but not how much I had internalized it.
Just sums it up, reconciling the two is tough, getting my confidence back is a struggle.
This is a tough open sore spot to tackle. I am about 10lbs overweight at the moment, and some how losing that weight will make a difference as long as it stays off.
I was quite happy before I met the G, I was ok, getting on with my life. Comfortable enough in my skin not to bother too much, steady weight, and if I lost or gain adjusting. Not fretting that people hated me, just ordinary and ok. Unself conscious in many ways, didn't really think about it, stuck in the Stevie Nicks era fashion wise, happy to be there forever. If you liked me you did and if you didn't it's sad but not life threatening.
Now, I question everything I am and do.
Sometimes I don't go out because of this, I stay home. Not much feeling lost these days to be fair as I push myself out that door and I push myself into the next. But it's tiring to feel like that and takes a lot of effort. I do it because I want to find that inner V who was strong, had courage and took life day by day.
I want that awful period with the G to be erased. I want the certainty of congruence again, of being and doing what I am and knowing what that is.
I know it's another phase of healing from the trauma of abuse, severe destructive abuse which cuts like a knife to the soul. A dear friend (Painter) said it sounds like the stories that war veterans have. It is like that, as this is a war zone of words, I am not saying it's on the scale that these veterans have experienced, thank goodness not. But it gives me a flavour of the excruciating suffering of these men and women returning home.
For today it is enhanced as it's fathers day and I am grieving my aged pa.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
