Since I have no evidence of a new EA/PA, and she hasn't come out and said she wants out, I'm struggling with the application of some of the rules. I get the feeling that the bomb drop is inevitable, but knowing my wife, she can sweep under the rug with the best of them, so who knows if/when she'll finally speak up.
The 37 rules can be implemented now. You don't have to wait till bomb drop. I will be glad to help, if you'll tell me which rules you aren't sure about. The bomb drop does not usually include any admission of inappropriate behavior of the WW. She will probably tell you she doesn't feel "in love" with you, not happy, and either wants a D or is not sure what to do. Don't offer any advice or tell her you don't want a D or how you want to commit to working on the MR. You will want to.....but don't. Look her dead in the eye and tell her, "I will not agree to an in-house separation. If you want out of the M then you can get your things and leave". Think you can handle it? Don't beg her to stay. Don't agree to sleep anywhere else. Stay in the MBR and the marital home. If it happens in the next few days, don't try to discuss anything at that time. Wait until you can talk it over here. You need to get as much information under your belt as you can. I don't mean information about her & OM.......I mean information here on the board, reading about waywards.
If a LBH would react as if he is dumping the WW, instead of turning into a beggar and pleaser.......he would not have to go through near as much as we usually see around here. By reacting in a calm but determined way, like I have explained, it changes the dynamics. Don't believe her if she tries to soften you by suggesting you sleep on it, or giving her space & time......or any of that stuff. She's told you she doesn't feel in love with you.......so don't let her try and twist things around when she sees you aren't falling on the floor begging her not to leave. She needs to see you standing tall and strong.
Until that time, my suggestion is to start calling her out on any outward disrespectful behavior. If you have not read about setting boundaries, take a look at it. You'll need to enforce personal boundaries.
Stand up to her, don't cow down.
Don't kill yourself trying to score brownie points with her. Know what I mean?
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Do i suggest MC or encourage her to go seek IC once the subject is brought up? I'm in the process of searching for a counselor for myself right now. I know the rules say don't initiate Relationship talks, but how should i handle it if she brings it up?
I don't think MC would help, unless she is honest and is willing to do whatever is necessary to save the MR. If a WW suggests MC, it is usually with the intent to announce she wants a divorce, and just uses the counselor as a buffer.
As for R talks.......your job is not to initiate the discussion. Try not to get suckered into a R talk by her, but if she talks calmly....just listen. If she starts getting out of control, being verbally disrespectful.......shut it down and walk away or leave the house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
