Can I really do this #3

[SteveLW]

AS, while I agree with you, I do think there was some significance to his W not even knowing he was awake. Maybe a temporary slip up as you say, or it could be indicative of something to come. Either way JS, AS's overall point stands. You can't read anything into it!

[Dtrmned]

So W just screenshotted a calendar from a Mediation company saying "which day is good for you and just let me know a good time, the numbers in bold are the ones available. Guess thats it, hope you have a good one."

So how do I respond other than "June 28th or July 1st works for me".

I am going to do what AS and Steve are suggesting and trying to stop reading into things that she does. I don't know how to read this scenario either.

Surprisingly, not reeling from this info, rather expected as I had stated previously about the other shoe dropping...

[SteveLW]

So W just screenshotted a calendar from a Mediation company saying "which day is good for you and just let me know a good time, the numbers in bold are the ones available. Guess thats it, hope you have a good one."

So how do I respond other than "June 28th or July 1st works for me".

I am going to do what AS and Steve are suggesting and trying to stop reading into things that she does. I don't know how to read this scenario either.

Surprisingly, not reeling from this info, rather expected as I had stated previously about the other shoe dropping...

"June 28th or July 1st works for me"

Perfect.

If she comes back and asks you to schedule it, then just ignore it. And she very well may. If she schedules it then just go. Meeting with a mediator doesn't mean it is over, so just look at it as a ste along your DBing journey.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
As hard as a pill as this is, it was totally expected 2 weeks ago. I will respond accordingly after an appropriate amount of waiting time.

I know this is a long road and I am in it for the long haul. The hope is that the walls crack and the fog lifts for my W and she sees the reality of her actions and maybe take another look at our MR and give us a chance. Definitely not looking forward to it, just want to get through it!!!

So just a random thought. This detaching in a in-house separation is very difficult. And to top it off, I still very much love my W and to this day, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Tough to not notice and tough to detach from. Even without makeup, hair isn't done and in shorts and a tank top.

I know that part is mostly physical, though I still see my W as "the person I married and have been with forever" and I know she is not that person any longer.

Just struggling for a moment with this. I'll be good.

[SteveLW]

"This detaching in a in-house separation is very difficult. "

I am becoming a broken record on this topic since I have addressed it multiple times in the last 2 days. Everyone thinks their sitch is tougher.

If it is an inhouse S then the LBS says things like "this is so hard, to be this physically close. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see her all the time."

If it is a true separation the LBS says things like "this is so hard, I have no opportunity to show her my GAL, 180s, detachment, and being the spouse only a fool would leave. It would be so much easier if we could see each other more often."

And here is the thing, both are right! There are advantages and disadvantages to both. The key is to focus on the positives of your sitch. TO always be DBing, and whatever opportunities you have to use those to be the best, lovingly detached, getting a life, 180ing LBS that you can be!

And don't delude yourself into thinking it is her physical beauty. Guys that are in love with their less than ideal looking wives still struggle with this. Most guys that aren't attracted to their wives do not react so strongly to BD. They just shrug and move on.

[arsh18]

JS, mediation is not the end of the road. You can still mediate and if you dont agree it just stalls the D process. I went to one and broke down, not very classy but then it bought me a month so it eventually was not too bad I guess. Just go and say that you do not want a D but you are here to listen to what your S has to say that is all.
In my sitch H just told me he is moving out, I have felt all along in house separation is better although he has not been a delight to live with. I have decided the time he has left at home I am going to make it the best possible for my kids, a happy home. Believe me, if I can do it you definitely can

[Dtrmned]

I agree mediation is not the end. I know this road is going to get rougher before there is even a chance of it getting better.

Just worried...Must detach and DB...

[Dtrmned]

FUN day....

W ignored me most of the day. S was awesome, D was a teenager and wanted to be alone.

Here is my question.

Prior to my S and I leaving for a movie, Here is what the W said to me:

W- why are you trying to control me with money?

Me - I have no idea what you mean.

W- You won't put any money in the join account and now that we switched insurance company plans, you did it just to control that part as well.

comment- we switched to an HSA plan that has a debit card for all health insurance uses. They only issued one debit card. I sent all of the information to W during enrollment process and she said "whatever you want to do, I trust you". Now that it is here, it is always interesting and not fun when you switch so there are some glitches. Looking into a 2nd debit card to free that up a bit, but there will be a few thousand dollars in there, it is a debit card, and I'm not sure I want her to have access as it can be used anywhere, just if you use it outside of healthcare, you are responsible.

Me- I didn't know this was how it was going to work, I just analyzed the policies available and chose the best one for our family.

W- And you don't care anyway. You walk around here like nothing phases you and everything is fine.

Me- Would you rather me wallow and be angry, sad, or upset? I am just moving on and accepting your decision.

W- Whatever. I know that I am just going to get bent over and screwed through this deal.

Me- I believe that no one wins in a divorce. That all 4 of us (2 kids included) will lose as this goes through.

W- Whatever, I see a L in our futures big time. I just don't trust you with anything.

Me- I understand how you feel. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about nothing but the kids and the negative parting stuff. Of course you don't trust me and I have a hard time trusting you as we are now on opposite sides. This only makes sense.

W- Well, why aren't you putting any more money in the joint account?

Me- You are just as capable of putting money in there as I am.

W- I have no job.

Me- Whatever happened to you getting one?

W- Thats just mean. I would get one if I was physically able to do that.

Me- You stated you had 2 connections for jobs, said you were starting another one March 1st, mentioned about getting an afternoon job so you could be away from me and renewed your professional license. You are going to have to go to work and now is just as good as any.

W- You just seem to be going through this unphased and it just tells me that you have something up your sleeve. I know you.

Me- Outside of me taking care of our family for the last 20 years, what do you mean by that?

W- That you are capable of anything.

Me- If you feel the need to make me out to be a dark, evil person, then that is your choice. I am who I am. I am the same person. I am done being angry with our financial situation, and I've accepted that your decision on our MR is how you want it to be.

W- I just wish I knew what you were thinking?

Me- If I said or acted differently would that change anything?

W- I don't know.

Had to leave due to S and I's movie time.

W is having some minor flaring up of health issues, is very moody and tired. I don't know what to make of this, but it seems that she is concerned that I am moving on and unphased by anything.

Any feedback?

I have to travel for work tomorrow and won't be back until Tuesday so she has a little break from me ( and I from her). Hoping to see what is up.

Should I talk to her about her airing her concerns?
I know it is the fact that we trusted each other and communicated everything over the last 20 years and now she knows almost nothing and hates not knowing. I do as well, but my GAL, detaching and DB are helping immensely.

And yes, of course she is going to be screwed. She hasn't worked in 15 years, is fully capable of such and doesn't have a resume to get her into a good position. My income is rocky at the moment and that seems to be at my advantage as I see it coming back in the next 12-18 months. Prenup in place so no alimony the only question is custody and child support and just a few financial details. Her car is one of them. She can't afford it without me so she has to get rid of it and get it out of my name.

All of you have said they will get crazy before they get better and when things don't go their way, they will lash out greatly.

Your thoughts and comments and guidance are greatly appreciated.

Best thing....Another week with my family in the same home. Not the best way I would like, but I still have faith.

[SteveLW]

First, you both will get screwed in D. Especially now that she is throwing the L word away. The only one that gets ahead in D are the Ls.

You did pretty well, except you still said too much. Remember:
Listen. Validate. No need to over explain, or convince, or try to appease her.

Read the validation thread. Stick to the script. It sounds like you are detaching pretty well though. For her to say you are "unphased" shows that. So when she brings up these conversations remember to say as little as you possibly can, validate her feelings, and end the conversation. As in YOU be the one to end it.

JS, I feel that you have a good chance at R if you continue to detach and start validating in these conversations. Remember, mysterious is good!

[AnotherStander]

AS, I appreciate the input! Thank you!

Absolutely!

I realize that I may be doing exactly that. I may be 100% delusional as she may be thinking or not thinking something totally different. I may be seeing things because I want to know that DB is having some effect on her and there may be a chance. I am doing all I can to hold everything together. Most of the time it is only Faith that is getting me by, every once in a while, Hope pops over to say hello. My instinct is to embrace it. I cautiously do.

All of this is correct, your DB'ing IS having an effect on her, there IS a chance, you SHOULD have hope! All I'm saying is have hope for a long-term recovery rather than short term. I think a lot of people come here expecting to DB a few weeks or maybe a month and put things back to normal, and after 2 or 3 months they are so discouraged that they want to quit. I try to do what I can to give people more realistic expectations about the timeline. I think there would be a lot more recons if people knew going in that this might take a year or two and prepared themselves for that.

So just a random thought. This detaching in a in-house separation is very difficult. And to top it off, I still very much love my W and to this day, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Tough to not notice and tough to detach from. Even without makeup, hair isn't done and in shorts and a tank top.

I know that part is mostly physical, though I still see my W as "the person I married and have been with forever" and I know she is not that person any longer.

Yeah detaching is seriously difficult under the same roof. I mean you still live together and raise kids together and all around you are the reminders of the life you built together. She doesn't want to be married yet you are still behaving like a married couple except maybe for sex and planning out the future and such. It's confusing and mentally exhausting. When my ex moved out it was horrible for a few weeks, but in a lot of ways it's like the classic "ripping the band-aid off" because after the initial shock and pain wears off it is a LOT easier to work on detaching and GAL'ing. I'm not saying to push for S, but it's probably inevitable and when it comes, it will help you both.

W ignored me most of the day.

You mean Father's Day? I just mentioned this in someone else's thread but that's to be expected of a newly minted WAS. She doesn't want to do anything right now to give you the impression she cares because she's trying to get you on board with D. I know it hurts but take heart in knowing it's very typical.

W- Whatever. I know that I am just going to get bent over and screwed through this deal.

Me- I believe that no one wins in a divorce. That all 4 of us (2 kids included) will lose as this goes through.

Be careful about responses like this because to her it sounds like you are trying to blame her for everything, and that you are trying to guilt her by bringing the kids into the discussion. Like Steve said, talk less. LISTEN and VALIDATE her feelings.

W- Whatever, I see a L in our futures big time. I just don't trust you with anything.

Me- I understand how you feel. We used to talk about everything and now we talk about nothing but the kids and the negative parting stuff. Of course you don't trust me and I have a hard time trusting you as we are now on opposite sides. This only makes sense.

Again, too much talking on your side. She doesn't want to listen to you. She wants you to listen to her. Remember, validation is not agreeing with her, it's just simply acknowledging her feelings. It's not about right and wrong.

W- You just seem to be going through this unphased and it just tells me that you have something up your sleeve. I know you.

Me- Outside of me taking care of our family for the last 20 years, what do you mean by that?

Validate- "I am sorry you think I'm trying to take advantage of you. I am just trying to deal with this situation as best I can, and if that makes me look like I'm up to something then it isn't my intent."

I don't know what to make of this, but it seems that she is concerned that I am moving on and unphased by anything.

I'm going to repeat what I told you a few days ago:

I'm not trying to dash your hopes, just trying to tell you to remember you're in this for the long haul and you need to maintain your path through all the little ups and downs. The downs don't mean it's over, but the ups don't mean you're out of the woods either.

You are doing exactly what I warned you about. When something good happens you get your hopes up, when something bad happens your hopes are dashed. GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER! Take a LONG TERM view. Let her ride all the ups and downs while you stay off the ride and remain in the middle. You need to be the rock.