I do intermittent journaling here to just put my thoughts down, and writing helps me think through and also get it out of my system.
I feel like I am at a new level of detachment in the last little while. J9's recent turn of events kinda brought reality into focus for me, and I've always joked that he is a few steps ahead of me and what happens with him gives me a glimpse into my near future.
So I put myself through the mental process of accepting that W has an OM, even though I don't know about anything she does and I haven't come across any real evidence. I know she went on a few dates early after BD and had an EA around and prior to BD - she won't admit it ever, but I put the timelines of things together and it doesn't add up to anything else.
Anyways, as I allowed myself to explore my thoughts and emotions about finding out about an OM and her being in a relationship with someone else, I didn't quite get the emotional and mental reaction that I thought I would. I know this is just a mental exercise and when it happens in reality, it will affect me in the beginning. But I was surprised that I was fairly unfazed by it - even putting the worst mental movies through my head. I don't recommend people doing that voluntarily lol. I just let my mind wander and it went to the worst scenarios and I let myself explore that and feel that. All I came back with was disgust and less respect for her. But I didn't feel the urge to compare myself to this potential OM and that it was a reflection of me and didn't feel feelings of failure.
So, after that, I went to sleep last night and I had a bizarre vivid dream. I don't remember all the details but it was like a surreal situation. W was taking a flight somewhere and it was understood that it was for good. Random people from my life showed up in the dream doing interesting things and someone was trying to soothe me while W was being all frantic and anxious about getting packed and leaving. I was kinda pursuing her around the house and just observing what she was doing, but still pursuing her. I didn't tell her to stop or reconsider. The backgrounds would change dramatically with new people coming in doing random things - kinda like scenes from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I woke up not feeling anxious or stressed, but just kinda feeling a little weird. Kinda like waking up and realizing that the dream was not real, even though it felt super real in my mind.
It was kinda fascinating and I wonder if it was my subconscious or underlying consciousness fighting my conscious mind as it is moving more towards new levels of detachment. As if my subconscious is having a hard time letting go, or realizing that W is on the precipice of being lost forever. What was also surprising is that even though I was physically following W around, so definitely pursuit, but I wasn't talking her into staying. I actually don't remember telling her anything at all.
I know this is all strange and some of y'all might be thinking what did he drink or smoke last night lol. Don't worry, it was none of that. I don't have vivid dreams usually and when I do, they are hyper real and I remember most of the details.
I feel like I am getting to a good place and maybe this was my mind catching up to how I am feeling generally.
