IH, I just posted something about what it would take for me to consider R with my XW:
Quote:
This got me thinking of what it would take for me to trust my XW again if she wanted to R. At first I thought "not possible", but then I wondered.
Me, I could write a book on this subject expressing many of the views I've posted about. I've reflected on it for years and have posted enough content that if I was inspired to organize it, flesh it out, and polish it up it could be a fun read.
So maybe that would be what it would take. If XW was like "I've changed, I want to make this work, what would it take for a second chance?", maybe the right answer is "Publish a 400+ page book that is pro marriage". Hey, if all it took to save your marriage was writing a book then that seems a small price to pay, right? If she can't or won't write that book, how much has really changed?
So yeah, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. You file divorce, I'm going to need some good reasons to open the door again. The 'friendly exchanges' would be there only to provide an opportunity for her to demonstrate a serious transformation of character. If she wanted to start dating again and implied that she regretted not having me in her life that would fall drastically short. I have no interest in repeating a destructive situation.
A texted blushing smiley face a long way from a published book. I agree, cut ties and move forward with your life. If she has something more substantial to say at some point you can always reevaluate.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well the thing here is that every chance she got, since our first meeting a couple months back...she says things to stress we are just friends. Things like "we were young" or " we were always better as friends" or there was even one remark she made during our first meeting where, when hanging out with my Aunt, my Aunt told her that "I bet you $20 she moved back from Florida to get back with ItHurts. wAW said my Aunt replied with "I bet you $100 she didn't!" So there's been little things like that that have given me the impression she wanted to indirectly make it clear that R is not her motive for hanging out. There's things you can sense with someone when in person that simply cannot be relayed in writing here. Suffice to say I have seen MUCH more from her indicating she wants us to be friends and virtually nothing to indicate she wants R.
As far as the sexually explicit pic...it really was more a joke in my opinion. I don't think it was some plan on her part to be sexual with me per se.
However, as I've said before... should she ask to hang out again, which she hasn't, I intend to do exactly that and ask her out somewhere. I have zero intentions of hanging around her house again. So I am going to make my move and ask her out. My gut is telling me she will likely do exactly that in the next couple days. I have a date tomorrow night so that's out but maybe Saturday. Either way, the next time she asks to hang out it's crunch time for me. I am going to find out what she wants from this relationship long term. If she says friendship then I'll tell her that's not going to work and to have a good life. The games are done. I want to know where she's coming from and I'm going to find out. Either she loses a great guy that she obviously made sure to come back to in some capacity after 4 years of seeing what's really out there; or I bid her a fond farewell and close the WAW chapter of my life permanently. I'm done with this wishy washy crap from her. It's crystal clear to me that she can't stay away... so now she's going to have to decide what she's going to do about that going forward...with friendship not being an alternative for her. That's it...she needs to pee or get the hell off the toilet.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well the thing here is that every chance she got, since our first meeting a couple months back...she says things to stress we are just friends. Things like "we were young" or " we were always better as friends" or there was even one remark she made during our first meeting where, when hanging out with my Aunt, my Aunt told her that "I bet you $20 she moved back from Florida to get back with ItHurts. wAW said my Aunt replied with "I bet you $100 she didn't!" So there's been little things like that that have given me the impression she wanted to indirectly make it clear that R is not her motive for hanging out. There's things you can sense with someone when in person that simply cannot be relayed in writing here. Suffice to say I have seen MUCH more from her indicating she wants us to be friends and virtually nothing to indicate she wants R.
As far as the sexually explicit pic...it really was more a joke in my opinion. I don't think it was some plan on her part to be sexual with me per se.
However, as I've said before... should she ask to hang out again, which she hasn't, I intend to do exactly that and ask her out somewhere. I have zero intentions of hanging around her house again. So I am going to make my move and ask her out. My gut is telling me she will likely do exactly that in the next couple days. I have a date tomorrow night so that's out but maybe Saturday. Either way, the next time she asks to hang out it's crunch time for me. I am going to find out what she wants from this relationship long term. If she says friendship then I'll tell her that's not going to work and to have a good life. The games are done. I want to know where she's coming from and I'm going to find out. Either she loses a great guy that she obviously made sure to come back to in some capacity after 4 years of seeing what's really out there; or I bid her a fond farewell and close the WAW chapter of my life permanently. I'm done with this wishy washy crap from her. It's crystal clear to me that she can't stay away... so now she's going to have to decide what she's going to do about that going forward...with friendship not being an alternative for her. That's it...she needs to pee or get the hell off the toilet.
So why ask her out? You are making the case that she hasn't expressed romantic interest. The only thing she has expressed is that she wanted to divorce you years ago.
If you weren't planning on looking her up and asking her out a few months ago, why do so now? She went from no contact to limited intermittent contact for some non-committal attention. Why does she deserve your interest?
I'm not telling you what to do, I'm really just curious.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well Zues once again I side with you on this. All this "be a man" stuff doesn't sit well with me. I totally agree...she walked out...then she can walk back. I shouldn't have to light her path for her. The only reason I'm asking her out is to put this to bed once and for all. It's not to guide her, in fact it's not for her at all...it's for me. I want closure on this. But yes, your philosophy is pretty much mine. She needs to "be the man" here as ridiculous as that sounds. She left so she needs to work her butt off if she wants me back. If she wants sex than show it...not through vague signals that can be interpreted as friendship or not. So at heart I agree with you. She needs to get her hands dirty here...I'm not doing all the work. I've accepted her invites, I've answered her texts, and got nothing in return.
So basically I'm asking her out to find out one way or another what she wants from me so this little game of hers doesn't drag on for weeks more. No way, her time to decide is coming the next time she initiates a meet up. It's either she accepts or she doesn't. If she declines I'm done. That's it.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
if she were interested in sex, she would have made that known through actions when IH stayed the night... she didn't... she's not looking for that... if she were interested--at this time--in moving toward a relationship, she would have taken him up on the concert... and/or on Vegas... she did not... in fact, she back-pedaled on Vegas... he has not miss the bus due to not pursuing...
imo--this is about her not being sure she wants to commit... and while they are not in a DB-ing situation, they are EXES... she knows she can't lead him on and then dump him... that would be too cruel... she is hesitant because she is not ready say she can commit to him... she doesn't want to hurt him again... she doesn't want him to get his hopes up... she is not there at this time... doesn't mean she won't be there some day, but right now is not the time for her...
I do think her heart is moving towards a relationship and even sex, but her head is telling her otherwise. That is what happened with Vegas....she initially responded with her heart, and got excited. Then when her head started asking her if it was a good idea or not she hedged. think there is an internal struggle with what her heart is telling her, and then all of the things you pointed out that her head is telling her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Guys, Well I just woke up to a text from WAW that she sent very, very early this morning. She said...
"Had a horrible nightmare please call me when you can!!"
As for as the sex thing...I agree with Artista too. I would definitely have known of she wanted sex or anything along those lines. The opportunity for that type of relationship escalation had not presented itself. As far as Steve's thoughts, I'm not sure what's in her head as far as a relationship with me goes. Either scenario is believable at this point.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Okay guys so ended up talking with WAW on the phone per her request for about 20 minutes before I had to get to work. Basically she had a nightmare that I died of cancer and my ghost was talking to her. She also said that in her dream she found out I cheated on her while we were married and that two girls were hanging all over me. She said she was so angry and that she was about to "kick one of the girl's butts" and then she woke up.
This is weird guys. What a strange thing for her to dream about! I told her it was likely from the nicotine patch. I assured her I was just fine and she talked about some memories of ours and then I had to go to work. She did still use my pet name continuously and called me sweetie when she hung up... something else she did when we were married.
What a really strange interaction this was.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Wow. One thing I've found IH, is when a woman starts dreaming about you then they are into you. It has never failed that when a woman told me she dreamed about me, that it turned into a romantic relationship if it wasn't already.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ithurts, I am not sure what is weirder. Having a dream like that or telling you about it. Are you sure she really had that dream? Could it be some strange way of confronting you with suspicions she had in the past? Did she ever suspect you of cheating on her?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17