We have had some huge life events recently: celebrated 9 year anniversary where she wrote me the most heartwarming letter ever,she started a new highly successful job, we sold our house, we were building our dream home and we were trying to have a baby. Then 4 weeks ago she returned from a business trip on Friday and on sat she approached me with a panicked look, said we need to talk, and she wants a D. I was completely shocked, she had shown no signs of unhappiness, no signs of withdrawal, our sex life was amazing, everyone close to us said that we were the last people that they thought would ever divorce and her closest friends said she had never once mentioned she was unhappy!
Unfortunately this does happen a lot. My sitch wasn't a lot different, everything seemed to be going well, people were very jealous of our "perfect" M, W made reassuring comments right up until BD which seemingly came out of nowhere. My W was always very much a pleaser which was probably a large part of the problem. She kept negative things bottled up deep inside for fear of upsetting others. She went out of her way to care for others with little consideration for taking care of herself. For her, BD was more of an awakening to herself that she needed to make changes in her life. Unfortunately she didn't understand that she could make those changes while still being married, she thought she had to make a clean break across the board and basically start over again.
Your W may very well be going through something similar, and she sees a shiny new life with OM as the answer. I will say that your W is far less likely to succeed than my ex was because she's looking for answers externally instead of internally. She's heading for a complete disaster. OM is married and she is married. Their R was built on dishonesty, disloyalty and selfishness. There is very little if any chance that it will succeed. And if it crashes and burns she may very well come crawling back trying to patch things up with you while having done NONE of the work she needs to in order to get past whatever it is she is going through. So just be warned right now, if she tries to recon DO NOT welcome her back with open arms. She has got to understand that there is a lot of hard work she is going to need to do first.
Quote:
Yeah. I m thoroughly confused now. My DB coach said to open up communication and send the letter of release because of 2 reasons. 1. Lack of communication was the reason we are in this spot because my W couldn t communicate her issues so he wanted me to work on my listening and communicating skills to take down the angry wall, resentment that she had built up. It seems to be working cuz she is much more open and caring. 2. The letter of release wasnt pouring my heart out it was showing empathy for her because she had a lot of built up shame and guilt over the affair.
I don't think I've ever heard this term "letter of release" before, interesting. I'm not sure how a letter helps with your first point because "communication" in DB'ing terms is she talks and you listen and validate. A letter is really all about you talking, but I can understand how it might help with your second point.
Quote:
I feel like I m doing the right things of which I can control but in the end my W has to deal with her internal issues and want to come back.
