Clyde, I'm trying to catch up, have been buried at work recently.
You asked what about your behavior made me think you are being passive/aggressive. It's the inconsistency in your behavior towards her. Going back to the massages, you give her foot massages expecting a massage in return, you don't get it so you withdraw your massages and give her the cold shoulder. That's very passive/aggressive and NGS. And it's not just the massages, you are constantly trying to do things for her and then withdraw those things as "punishment" when she doesn't give you what you want. But then you turn around and try a different favor, but while you think you are doing something different you are not, it's more of the same.
And IT'S NOT WORKING. Here is the thing- SHE IS 100% CONSISTENT. She is DONE. You have got to get that through your head, Her behavior ALL says she is done with the M. So why do you keep having these expectations that she will behave like a W? Your first step to recovery is realizing you are not married anymore except on some piece of paper somewhere. You and your W no longer function as a married couple. That ship has sailed. So what does that mean going forward, how do you change and adapt with the consideration that you are no longer married.
Here's what you need to figure out- how are you going to pull yourself out of this financial mess you are in WITHOUT W. Quit counting on her to pitch in, she's already told you that's not going to happen. So gather yourself up and figure it out. Sell the house if you have to. I don't understand your explanation that you can't sell it because the shop is there and it'll cost you as much elsewhere, if you are not paying your mortgage and you get foreclosed on then whatever equity you have in the home is GONE. I know it's not as simple as snapping your fingers, but I'm just saying you've got to have a plan and work on that plan. If you have to stay in the house then figure out how to increase your income, again, WITHOUT your W. This stuff isn't going to fix itself and it's not going to just go away, YOU have to do ALL the work. So steel yourself, develop a plan, work on that plan.
You said your bills went way up when W came back, well then have her pony up or get the hell out. You're afraid she might call the police? LET HER CALL THEM. What happened last time, they told HER to leave. What are you afraid of? Your W has ALREADY done her worst and it all just backfired on her. Quit living in fear and take control.
The irony is, if you do that then that may very well attract her back to you.
