Me keeping my knowledge of W's affair a secret was for me like trying to lead a triple life. I still feel like I'm leading a double life, one where I set W free to divorce me and I move on without her, and another where I still desperately want to save our marriage.
Every thing below is my opinion, so feel free to tell me to sod off.
1) You have to stop immediately (as in this very moment) desperately want to save your marriage. You need a healthier view on it. Something on the lines of "I would like to work on our marriage given the right circumstances, however I accept the fact that my wife may choose otherwise". If it helps, think of it this way: what is the difference between telling the seller of a car: "I desperately want to buy this car!!!!" vs "I would consider buying this car if you fix the AC and change the tires. It is ok if you want to sell this car to someone else. I am sure I will find another one and I am perfectly happy to use Uber in the meanwhile".
2) Don't look at it as keeping your knowledge of her affair as leading a double life. It is simply not in your interest in discussing this. Do you feel you are leading a double life when you go to Starbucks, you order coffee, and you keep your knowledge of the affair from the barista? It is not something you want to bring up in front of her, right? Same with your wife.
You are not keeping a secret, you are simply not starting a conversation not worth starting. If anyone is leading a double life in your household, it is not you.
Every time you feel like you want to bring up the affair, remember your knowledge is not her business. Every time you feel you desperately want to save your marriage, think about what you want to change before you want that marriage.
