Making New Lives

[Zues126]

There is a difference between avoiding something you don't want and getting what you want. Playing the abuse and booting them out card avoids a tough situation, but it doesn't result in a lifelong fulfilling partnership. The result is divorce and a broken home.

The main culprit is this persistent delusion that "we deserve more and we'll find someone better". It took me a while to understand how people would still believe this but it is a very alluring idea because we all think we're special and deserve to have our wishes come true. In practice it just doesn't play out that way. Somewhere around 40% never remarry, and approximately 67% of those who do go on to divorce. So right there the odds are 20% that someone will achieve a life long marriage after a divorce. And that still hasn't addressed the relative quality of the partner. Many of those marriages aren't any better, but sometimes people learn to put up with a little more because the grass isn't greener. In the end it's the same group of people divorcing and remarrying each other, and they are all flawed humans. And even for the subset of this 20% that was truly in a threatening situation who found better success with their next partner, they are still dealing with the loss and ramifications of their divorce for the rest of their life. Don't hit me with anecdotes about someone that's found the love of their life. I know they are out there. If you do an unbiased survey the conclusions are clear.

This is the part that gets left out of the 'don't put up with their crap'. As long as we're comparing a bad relationship with the fantasy of reading a self help book or two and ending up in a fulfilling lifelong relationship then our current relationship looks pretty bad. In fact, this line of reasoning is the same that WAS's use in the first place. The WAS thinks they were abused and they are doing the right thing by not taking any crap. They think they're special and deserve better.

MWD's message is very similar to what I've posted. She is saying that in almost all cases that a spouse thinks their marriage could never change and be fulfilling there is hope, and divorce isn't the right answer. Yes, she was shaped by her personal experiences, but also by being an IC for years and seeing the reality of how hundreds of divorces initiated and played out.

I don't mean to be discouraging to people that are single that didn't choose to be. I am a LBS as are most of you on these boards. But to me the whole "I deserve better and I'm going to go get it" attitude is what's responsible for more destruction that the H bomb. It was responsible for the biggest loss in my life and it hasn't worked out that well for XW from what I can tell. If her life improves years from now it will be in spite of the divorce, not because of it. So I'm not going to turn the tables and say, "XW had the right attitude, I should've just played the 'I deserve better' card first and left her years ago so I could be living the dream by now".

Thats why i said that michelle weiners books are better suited for the waywards that have ended their marriage, their contract by cheating..by lies (and i dont mean im not the one that finished off the ice cream lies)...im talking about leading secret lives that destroy.

Im saying that her theories are distorted by people really being abused and made fools of, like most of the posters here.. and yes i know most of the waywards here have pulled the abuse card so none of us want to be as unfair amd dare to claim it.
r even trust it. My ex told me and everyone how i was emotionally and verbally abusive. Hah!

But the idea or concept of working to save a marriage by eating sh!t sandwicjes with someone that is cheating or has cheated or has lied and stolen from his own family is outrageous and perpetuates abuse.

I think we're on the same page that there is a time to stay and there is a time to go. Then we're just back to where that line is.

I've posted about the trade off before between more deal breakers and higher divorce rate. In general I tend to be more conservative than most so it seems that a lot of divorces could be prevented and might even circle around to decent relationships, and that this mindset is contagious as a society and has been overused and spread like wildfire. To others where I would draw the line seems to advocate for enduring and enabling abuse and mistreatment.

One thing is clear: There is not a consensus. Each person decides according to their values and beliefs (or desires and emotions) where that line is. While I think that makes the institution of marriage pretty bumpy (like trying to play a game where everyone makes up their own rules) I don't see that changing. I can certainly accept that many draw those lines differently. In the end I'll share my beliefs with my children and those that are interested and try to manage my own road.

As far as your specific sitch, first off even I agree that adultery is a deal breaker. I don't think this was ever confirmed in your sitch. As for the other things, I wouldn't regret your choices if I were in your place. You can measure your life by taking a tally of your income and current quality of life, or by your ability to look in the mirror and feel good about the choices you've made. Maybe if you were to do it differently you might have protected the family's finances differently or confronted these things differently, but I don't think remaining married was a blunder. I know things would have been materialistically easier had I left XW years ago, but just as I never regret having my children, I also don't regret honoring my vows and doing what I could to preserve my family. I get where you're coming from. Again, we all draw those lines a little differently and I can respect that.