There is a difference between avoiding something you don't want and getting what you want. Playing the abuse and booting them out card avoids a tough situation, but it doesn't result in a lifelong fulfilling partnership. The result is divorce and a broken home.
The main culprit is this persistent delusion that "we deserve more and we'll find someone better". It took me a while to understand how people would still believe this but it is a very alluring idea because we all think we're special and deserve to have our wishes come true. In practice it just doesn't play out that way. Somewhere around 40% never remarry, and approximately 67% of those who do go on to divorce. So right there the odds are 20% that someone will achieve a life long marriage after a divorce. And that still hasn't addressed the relative quality of the partner. Many of those marriages aren't any better, but sometimes people learn to put up with a little more because the grass isn't greener. In the end it's the same group of people divorcing and remarrying each other, and they are all flawed humans. And even for the subset of this 20% that was truly in a threatening situation who found better success with their next partner, they are still dealing with the loss and ramifications of their divorce for the rest of their life. Don't hit me with anecdotes about someone that's found the love of their life. I know they are out there. If you do an unbiased survey the conclusions are clear.
This is the part that gets left out of the 'don't put up with their crap'. As long as we're comparing a bad relationship with the fantasy of reading a self help book or two and ending up in a fulfilling lifelong relationship then our current relationship looks pretty bad. In fact, this line of reasoning is the same that WAS's use in the first place. The WAS thinks they were abused and they are doing the right thing by not taking any crap. They think they're special and deserve better.
MWD's message is very similar to what I've posted. She is saying that in almost all cases that a spouse thinks their marriage could never change and be fulfilling there is hope, and divorce isn't the right answer. Yes, she was shaped by her personal experiences, but also by being an IC for years and seeing the reality of how hundreds of divorces initiated and played out.
I don't mean to be discouraging to people that are single that didn't choose to be. I am a LBS as are most of you on these boards. But to me the whole "I deserve better and I'm going to go get it" attitude is what's responsible for more destruction that the H bomb. It was responsible for the biggest loss in my life and it hasn't worked out that well for XW from what I can tell. If her life improves years from now it will be in spite of the divorce, not because of it. So I'm not going to turn the tables and say, "XW had the right attitude, I should've just played the 'I deserve better' card first and left her years ago so I could be living the dream by now".
Thats why i said that michelle weiners books are better suited for the waywards that have ended their marriage, their contract by cheating..by lies (and i dont mean im not the one that finished off the ice cream lies)...im talking about leading secret lives that destroy.
Im saying that her theories are distorted by people really being abused and made fools of, like most of the posters here.. and yes i know most of the waywards here have pulled the abuse card so none of us want to be as unfair amd dare to claim it. r even trust it. My ex told me and everyone how i was emotionally and verbally abusive. Hah!
But the idea or concept of working to save a marriage by eating sh!t sandwicjes with someone that is cheating or has cheated or has lied and stolen from his own family is outrageous and perpetuates abuse.
