So update from today. No direct R discussion again, but last night my channels suggested she was planning to go to see her parents this weekend - about a 3 hour trip each way. Something she had previously said she'd like to do so as to be able to tell them what's going on in person, and in particular seek advice from her mother who she thinks went through something similar with her father a while back (they are still together though, albeit have an odd relationship, probably because her mother is very similar to my W, or vice versa).
My information then proved correct as she then came up to me to tell me that she was going to see them - just overnight on Saturday. We didn't discuss why (we both knew why), just talked logistics for the kids. The more I thought about what I've seen from her this week through my channels, the more I am sure this is just her informing her parents about what is about to happen and not actually seeking advice to help with the decision making. Nice of her to tell them before me.... As far as she knows, I'm still waiting patiently for her decide our fate. Fortunately I'm way ahead of her, but still, this really does show her true colors and makes me all the more able to detach. Juju2 was right.. selfish and self-centered and not caring one jot what this is doing to me.
Today then, my channels revealed more information that made me now 100% certain she is planning for D. I saw her wish list about what she'd like do with the kids, the house, our assets and our business, as well as her concerns about me being difficult in mediation. Too right I'll be difficult. She deserves nothing less. That is going to be a whole story in itself, but we'll leave that for later posts.
Anyway, this just helps me continue my LRT even more, focus on the kids and start to plan for my life without her, which is something I'm pretty well resigned to now. And to be honest, the more I see of how she is behaving, the more I am thinking do I really want to reconcile with this woman anyway? I can't actually believe my feelings towards her have moved so far so quickly, but this is all of her doing. Revealing her true self, which is not the person I married, and not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.
Maybe when we do tell the kids and then separate, and reality kicks in, she'll start to feel differently about me, about us, but right now she is not capable of doing so, so focused she is on finding her own space (and probably being with OM). And thinking of me as an adversary. Actually, that's one of the hardest things to take, apart from the A - the fact that only a matter of weeks ago, I thought of us as a team, her as a partner that had my back, and I had hers, and now we are opponents, watching each other's every move, suspicious of motivations and what each other is up to. She has done all this, and I absolutely hate it. Hate it.
And oh how great it is going through all of this whilst living under the same roof.. really loving this arrangement we've got at the moment. Just hoping that, when she does eventually deem its the appropriate time to put me out of my misery, I can persuade her that she should move out as soon as possible (against the legal advice she has of course received). It's getting unbearable, and I'm certainly not going anywhere, that's for sure. Anyway, don't want to jump the gun. Just know things are not far from heating up, so just prepping myself for that conversation.
Any more tips on how to handle that R discussion welcome, given all the information above. You can tell I'm starting to get myself wound up, and will need to take a deep breath to be able to stick to the DB-style approach when it comes to it.
What else can I being doing between now and then? I plan to speak to my L again, but anything else?
How should I be with her before and after she gets back from her trip?
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
