The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

So I have just been to get some legal advice about my house and our mortgage. It was very positive for me knowing that she cant just take the house from me at the moment. I feel the advice has helped put me in a better frame of mind.

[Rawpain]

Yesterday felt good and a positive step for me. I actually felt like I do not need her or even want her and my pain subsided for the day. I had the kids yesterday and had fun with them. Then they went to sleep and my mind would just not stop thinking about W over and over. I tried keeping busy but my mind just would not rest.
I still love her but I really do not believe she is the same woman I fell in love with and I was living with six months ago before her depression and the ILYBINILWY. I do not love this woman she has become who could do these things to myself and the kids. Who can lie and deceive me and her friends. Who has become so manipulative and scheming. Is my caring and sensitive loving wife still in there somewhere or is she lost forever.
I feel so confused b/c I love her but I do not at the same time.
I hate her for stealing half of my childrens childhood away from me as I will now only see them half as much.I feel that I was born to be a dad and now have had my purpose taken away from me and feel lost.
I feel as though I now have my house and finances in order there is a sense of calm but it is just before the storm.
What is the next hurricane she will conjure to bring caos back into my life.

[LoneWlf]

Raw- Be prepared for these waves of good and bad to appear. On the good days embrace them and enjoy everything you can. Onthe bad days take note of your feelings acknowledge them but don't dwell on it. Focus on yourself - be kind practice self care. Good luck on your journey.

[Chris06]

Raw I am right where you are man. I have lost 20 #s in 6 weeks. Had knots in my stomach, no sleep since. Cant eat its been rough. Found out about OM yesterday, worst day of my life.

I will be picking up kids tomorrow and I will have the day that you had seeing her for the first time since officially finding out. Said she is moving in with him next week. wow, so quick.

Trust me a WW, they are manipulating us big time. Like they say don't believe what she says. Her head is so into new guy she don't know what the hel she is talking about.

Yesterday I got told shes never ever felt this way about anyone. I said girl we got 2 kids together. It didn't matter to her. She loves her babies S6 S2 like nothing you ever seen, but even they have been put to the side. Its so sad.

Keep reading, learning, and trying. I pray for you that your wife has a change of heart, learns from it and your babies come home to you. Read WW by sandi2 she was a WW. it helps me, I read all those threads 5xs a day.

Following u man!

[Rawpain]

Good luck when picking up the kids. Be positive and keep your chin up.
The one thing that caught me off guard a little was that she came out doing the same. Previous times that I had picked them up she would not look at me and she seemed down and guilty but as soon as she knew that I knew about OM she seemed to have a spring in her step.
That hurt but I did not show it.

[Parkema]

Rawpain,

I tend not to advice but instead share, straight off the bat there is nothing that excuses her action and crossing the line into waywardness. In all reality she should have had a moral obligation to discuss the issues in the M and quite possibly she did but we being men tend to interpret it as something else.

There is no manual so dont beat yourself up about it, now something must have built up in her to do what she did and retrospectively this is a good place to start your DR journey.
Now the bad news she is in love with this OM, she cant help it there is no control that is the hard truth BUT its based on infatuation and short term gains!
There is a process we ve all been,are going through based on three phases,
Infatuation , I can t get enough of this person I have to be with him/her.
Planning , lets start a family and move in together, we will have the most wonderful life.

Disintegration , the cracks start to appear in their R in much the same way it did with you. Do the wayward learn and never get into phase 3? Well they wouldnt have left their BS and families in the first place if that was the case



If we agree with ^^^^ this then there s hope IF YOU WANT THAT and this is where the principles of DR come into play, first thing is to realise you can t control any of this so stop trying NOW. If you continually chip away at her sense of logic and in the rare case she gives up the OM then it s gone underground, she needs to come back to you on her own accord for it to be genuine it can happen once she realizes that an A eventually turns sour and usually end pretty badly! There are rare cases where they ride off into the sunset but statistically its rare.

Once I realized this I slowly started to detach and GAL and cant stress enough how important that is, I also in a civil way stopped communication unless there was a genuine need, in my case about our kids BUT THAT S ALL.
I am now getting to the point where all the pursuing is done by her, instead Im busy enjoying the time she s given to work on me. The MR is gone never to be brought back to life BUT that s a good thing a new and improved MR can be created.

I feel two aspects of DR are important namely boundaries and space! Learn to let her be and when she comes back and she will decide what you re willing to allow and not allow and stick to these boundaries, this is particularly hard if you re as most of us BH are a typical MNG as Sandi says get your balls back.

Let the process happen and with time and you Dring youll find first peace and then confidence in that no matter what happens youll be okay.

It s hard at first and you won t believe me but it will happen, trust the DR principles and get working.

Mark.

[Rawpain]

I have cut off communication with her other than to discuss the kids. I do not ask her anything about her or tell her anything about me. I have not text W for about two weeks other than when I found out about OM. I felt I had the right to tell W to not be sleeping with OM and letting my S6 know about it and when S6 is around. She did this not at W house or OM house but at a gym friends house while at a party- sleep over.
I told her to think about what kind of man OM is b/c he just finalised his D last year due to OM W having an A. And then he could go and do that himself. What a nice bloke.
I told her to thank her CrossFit family for supporting her to walk away from M an H and encourage an A and to facilitate somewhere for them to have sex while my kids were around. What a nice place she takes my kids too.
I just wanted to have my rant and say my piece. I didnt go abusive- well not much- and since then I have not contacted other than the kids.

As for me I know I have things to work on. Listening to others is a big one. Planning and taking charge and organising.ive always been layed back- procrastinating. So I have started writing out goals and putting deadlines on targets. I also do not like change and leaving my comfort zone- so I have started saying yes to more opportunities.
I have planned a trip away with the kids in about six weeks time that W has okayed. I really do not like driving and it is a 3 hour journey. So that will be a challenge for me to over come.

As for GAL. I have already reconnected with many old friends that I abandoned during my M as my W never really liked my friends.They have taken me back like I never left. I go out for 2 hours each week on my bike -the rusty rocket. I swim for an hour once a week. I have started a small excersise routine that I do at home each night too. So I feel I am moving in the right direction.

I am just so glad to have everyone elses input an experience and know that I am not alone through this.

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear about another family torn apart by the actions of a WW. I have some threads about the mindset and behavior of the WW, if you care to read them. This is the link to the first thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

[Rawpain]

Could this OM be her prefect solemate?
Could he be perfect for her?
Have no flaws?

I feel like not only am I facing her WW mentality but also he is at least 10 years older and has more life experience and Is more mature..
OM has lost his W to an A and I have heard people say that divorced H make better partners second time around after WW.
He does have a higher paying job and has the bigger expensive car.
Her friends from th gym are all at least 10 years older than her and I feel she was comparing our M to theres.
They all had nice cars and new gym clothes every week. I feel we would of got there in time but she just wanted to jump to that point ... and now she has. I dont feel I can compete.

It already feels like I am now in the DBing process just for me.
I fear she has everything that she has wanted over the last two years since she got these new friends and saw there lifestyles and even though I can get myself straight-eventually and get me back on track that ,
she will not be willing to take steps back in her lifestyle now.
Not for me.
Feels hopeless!

[Rawpain]

Forget that last post. I just had a bit of a panic thinking that this guy is some kind of perfect man- he could be but..

I know that this is something that I can not change or control - so do not even think about it.

I am working on me! and trying to get my thought process in order. training my brain.

Still making my way through the WW threads Sandi2 linked me too. Wow there is a lot and as I do not have the internet at home since she left. I can only come on here on breaks at work.
I wish I had access to this at night when my brain will not rest. This advice is invaluable. I just have to make my way through it.