I think he's going to read the book when I am done with it. He has expressed an interest in doing so. He's been reading the LL's book, and the portion of SSM for HDs about the LD spouses... something, somewhere, will resonante with him.
He has been trying, and I can tell he is trying to put into practice things that he has read. I have to say for my H's benefit, he is willing to TRY, he IS exploring... but as you all know as well as I do, getting the concepts is not the tough thing, it's putting it into action that's the trick!
I have an enormous amount of empathy for him. I KNOW how hard it is to change... but the willingness is there, and that is all I can ask for. He's doing what he can, with what he has to work with... he's falible, and so am I. Sometimes we nail it, other times, we fall on our asses.
I think my need to 'comfort' him is what is assisting in his continued lack of differentiation/fusion thing. I mean, we're doing it together. At least I think that's what might be going on... I'm sure you are aware that it's a lot easier to see where someone else is messing up, but way harder to do on yourself, you know?
For example, if he needs me to comfort him... it proves to me that he needs me, without me risking wanting him... yes? If he doesn't need me to comfort him... what does that mean to me? Who's anxious now?
If I keep him in a constant state of need... well, then I'm needed all over the place. He, in turn, does that whole 'engulfing,' thing. He wants me to want him, but he doesn't want to want me in return.
I see us so clearly in that book it just literally drops me jaw. And this whole thing we've got going between us is what fuels my LD state... honestly, I like having orgasms. I like how my H makes love to me. So if that is the case, then my 'drive' isn't the issue at all... it's our 'fusion.'
Is that making any sense?
I'd like to say, that I have explained some processes in the book to him. This weekend when we made love, we truly, truly connected, more than just physically. I took my time exploring him... took the pressure off myself to 'get there' within some 'time limit.' He was completely willing to do that with me, and thoroughly enjoyed himself in the process... when I did that, all systems were operational and functioning a peak performance.
What we did was get close and stay seperate, like the book says. The nights following we didn't put any pressure on ourselves either, we just went with whatever happened, with no expectations attached, and it was so cool. Even he said it was.
He just happened to have a meltdown (small one), last night. I don't think it was related to anything that did or didn't happen in the days preceeding, but just his own anxiety (about other things) giving him a knee jerk...
Does this make any sense...? Can you tell if I might be missing something? Anything you'd like to add?
