The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

Yesterday felt good and a positive step for me. I actually felt like I do not need her or even want her and my pain subsided for the day. I had the kids yesterday and had fun with them. Then they went to sleep and my mind would just not stop thinking about W over and over. I tried keeping busy but my mind just would not rest.
I still love her but I really do not believe she is the same woman I fell in love with and I was living with six months ago before her depression and the ILYBINILWY. I do not love this woman she has become who could do these things to myself and the kids. Who can lie and deceive me and her friends. Who has become so manipulative and scheming. Is my caring and sensitive loving wife still in there somewhere or is she lost forever.
I feel so confused b/c I love her but I do not at the same time.
I hate her for stealing half of my childrens childhood away from me as I will now only see them half as much.I feel that I was born to be a dad and now have had my purpose taken away from me and feel lost.
I feel as though I now have my house and finances in order there is a sense of calm but it is just before the storm.
What is the next hurricane she will conjure to bring caos back into my life.